a little bit of silliness to get you through...
i was thinking, if they made a movie of my life (based on the magnum crappus, (which, let's face it, is probably about 85 to 90% based on my real life and what really happened and the rest is made up of nonsequitor tangents, bizarre observations of life, and certain embellisments and wishful thinkings) and which would, furthermore, require me to finish said magnum crappus (which i am actually thinking is going to end up being at least two, possibly three, seperate magnum crappi) and, even less likely, would require the magnum crappus to get published ( i know, i know, i am laughing incredulously as well) by a company that would, no doubt, upon releasing my ill-fated work upon the world, quietly close its doors, pack its shit up, and shift surreptitiously to the bahamas or some other place where ex-pats who don't want to have a past or be recognized end up, and, beyond all ability to comprehend, would require a largish group of people (who would've clearly donated their respectives brains to science) to decide it were film-worthy in the first fucking place and back it with monies and such), i would like the opening scene to go as such: (and this really happened not an hour ago)
fade up on interior shot of a bedroom. floor is littered with toys, two messy twin beds occupy opposite walls, star wars poster above one bed and godzill above another. blinds are closed on large window. door opens, enter darth, a mid-thirties male with short dark hair, large, black-framed dorky glasses, and rumpled joy division t-shirt and jeans. he is in mid-sentence as he enters the room.
darth: (loudly) ...the fuck do we need all the doors shut? and let's open the damn blinds and let some light into this place. soak up some su-(steps on toy) motherfucker!! goddamn legos! (continuing to window) i swear to god, i am gonna fucking chuck all these toys in the trash, or give em to kids who actually listen to their parents!
darth stands on one of the beds, favoring one foot, and open blinds, the pullstrings of which become entangled, causing the blinds to stop mid-way.
darth: (loudly, but seemingly under breath to self) god fucking dammit! que joda! (fiddles manically with the blinds, the pullstrings, ultimately leaving the blinds at half-mast and storms out, stepping on a different toy with the same foot) ouch! jesus fucking christ!
another scene would involve (this happened mere minutes ago) darth discovering muddy footprints across the carpet, and lecturing the oldest on taking his shoes off before running into the house. oldest is apologetic, and darth calms to say, "it's ok, just remember to take your shoes off before you come inside." darth vacuums. darth is putting clothes away and hears oldest come into house again. "did you take your shoes off?" "oh. ummm."
much cursing and anger and unprintable things are said as darth extracts the vacuum cleaner again.
now, here's the thing: who would play me if all these shenanigans and goings-on ever found themselves on celluloid? i mean, i know who i might like to portray me: brad pitt, clive owens, maybe the guy from 300. but let's be realistic. i am not even remotely as good-looking as any of these fellas. also, whoever did it would have to be able to pull off the attitude. attitude would certainly be more important than actually looking much like me.
so i mulled it around. and it was a toughy, let me tell ya. cause frankly i would puke up my cheerios if someone like brad pitt or jude law portrayed me. cause it aint me. cause i am not good-looking (well, ok, in the hollywood hunk sense of the word i guess, since krissie lectured me so heavily last time i referred to myself as not good-looking), maybe if jake gyllenhall was a little older. (i probably misspelled his name. who cares? i could take on jake.) so, because i have no life, i started pulling out my dvd's and looking at some of the actors on em.
here's a few i think could pull it off and by whom i would be honored to be represented: john cusack (did i mispell his name? shit, i am too lazy to look em up), who i think would outdo me. honestly. a cross between his better off dead, grosse point blank, and hi-fidelity characters. yeah, he might be a better me than me. hmmmm. ewan mcgregor. he'd have to speak yank though. but along the lines of his trainspotting character, renton. though maybe slowed down quite a bit. but ewan is waaaaay too fucking good-looking for me. but hey, we are talking about hollywood, that likes to pretty things up alot. (and if he does play me, my wife would like to borrow him for a night. or two. i dunno, maybe not, she might not give him back. nevermind.) but my number one choice for playing me in the movie would be sam rockwell. scary as fuck in the green mile. funny as hell in a nerdy doofus kinda way in galaxy quest. and more than just manic enough in hitchiker's guide to the galaxy. not ugly. not hot. probably a really cool guy to hang with. i wouldn't have to worry about my wife putting some fine-print clause in the contract about conjugal visits.
here's what i want though. put some thought into it. look at my pic (though, again, it is less about looking like me, and more about having the proper attitude). and give me your ideas, o my beloved non-existant readers, on who you think might do a good job of playing me in the movie that will never be. i would love to read them.
have a happy new year's everyone.
Labels: sanity is for the weak-minded