like many things that might thrust me into the spotlight and place me centerstage of which i don't necessarily feel deserving, i managed to completely forget all about father's day until about two days ago or so.
i had to work, followed by my wife having to work, so it had the feel of a mostly normal sunday.
but you know how my brain works, o my beloved non-existant readers, and so i present to you, my views on being a father:
being a father is a constant battle. you are on the frontlines for your children, protecting them from mediocrity, stupidity and ignorance, and the common cold.
being a father means you know when to talk softly, and when to yell. being a father means you will fuck up the difference at least once a week. being a father means when you fuck it up, you will shuffle your happy little ass up the stairs, look your kid in the damp eyes, and say, "daddy fucked up. i'm sorry."
being a father means you can fix anything. and if you can't fix it, you will make it magically disappear when no one is looking. being a father means you will sometimes agonize at great length over the things that cannot be fixed.
being a father means you will dive unheeding into traffic to pluck your unsuspecting child from danger. it also means you may do that for someone else's child.
being a father means you will revel at the incredibly simple and beautiful things your child points out to you: the path of an ant, the magestry of a blade of grass, the grandeur of the moon. each and every day will be discovered anew and afresh through a child's eyes as if it is the first day ever of all time.
being a father means you will hurt beyond your wildest imagination. the kind of hurt that can neither be explained, described, or fixed with medications, deep breathing, or alcohol.
being a father means you will never again not be tired.
being a father means you will stand on the edge of the unending abyss, curl your lip into a sardonic snarl, and say, "fuck you. it's not time yet, motherfucker."
being a father means you will feel the deepest sadness, the greatest heighths of joy, wild elation, crippling depression, bitterness, silliness, frustration, giddiness, and open to the very gods that reside in each and every thing around you. sometimes you will feel all these things in the very space of a single day.
being a father means you will be humbled constantly. the greatest humility will come at the simple and beautiful and heartfelt and true things your child will say to you when you have reached the very bottom of your lowest pit and have abandoned all hope of ever getting out.
being a father means you will never have laughed the loudest or cried the hardest before in your life, and you will often wonder what you did to feel alive prior to having children.
being a father is realizing that your life, in and of it's tiny and insignificant self, doesn't matter so much anymore as anything but a guide to the lives that you have helped create and that god has entrusted you with.
being a father is being daily amazed that god had that much faith in you in the first fucking place.
dad: i still think about you sometimes.
Labels: family dynamics, father's day, fuck you i will not go quietly into the night, i am one lucky motherfucker