Monday, July 05, 2010

for melly...

i need your help, o my beloveds. this is me reaching out. well, not sure the help is for me. it is, kinda, i guess, but for a good friend too.

i dunno. words may fail. this whole post, like so many others i have left here like forgotten stepchildren, may disintegrate into tears and wailing by the end. but i sure hope not.

recently, i found out a good friend has cancer.

here's one of the many shitty things about this, my long-suffering, patient, commiserating non-existent readers: i found this out through a post on suicidegirls.com and a subsequent post on facebook.

why is that bad? it's not her fault. it's mine. i'm a fucking lousy-assed friend who has allowed himself to get caught up in the fucking stupid little insignificant details of my so-called life while someone i love and care about was dealing with real fucking issues in her own.

now, i understand, this is the nature of our lives. our lives are egocentric. this is as god or the universe intended. but at the same time, i believe that god or allah or thor intended for us to approximate deity, and to do that we need to step out of ourselves and be there for those around us. i haven't brought myself any closer to the shiny center of this big vast universe on this deal, though.

and today, she was recounting her experiences thus far, and the long-term plan (her doctors are confident it is completely treatable, but the treatment is a slow crawl through hell, o my beloved non-existent readers), and talking about how her family and friends and people she doesn't even know have rallied around the forces so to speak to make this experience as easy as it can be, and the rest of us, the listeners, are in tears.

i want to be a better friend, and i am already fixing that. but more importantly; the most important thing to me in this big fucking vast inconceivable universe of massive suns and the ensuing planets right now is that we all put our positive energies together; our prayers, our offerings, our whatever you personally call it or however think of it together for my friend melly and everyone like her who is so much in need and yet isn't playing the victim and is facing this with bravery and humor and strength. please join me in keeping her in mind.

now i gotta go wash my face, so when i tuck my kids in they won't ask me in that hyperintense way that only makes it worse: "daddy, why you cryin?"

darth sardonic

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