Worry Not

I am still here, just been busy getting a group of stories together to send off to a publisher, and doing projects around the house with my boys, and paying attention to them.

I have some posts in the back of my mind, and I will be back with them soon.

Not even sure if anyone stops by here anymore, but it doesn't really matter, as I think this blog's purpose is and has always been a place for my two sons to come, read, and understand who their dad truly was.

This is Dumb, and I'm a Loser

Do not judge your days by one moment.

Were I to choose a moment to stand out today, this day would be an abysmal failure on everyone's part.

But the truth is, we are allotted 24 hours.

And my kids finished this day in nothing short of perfection.

Do you choose to look at the low moment, or the high?

24 hours.

Plenty of time to turn shit around.

Darth Sardonic

The Lovers, The Dreamers, and Me

There was some magic in that single line in The Muppets song, "Rainbow Connection" that always made me feel united somehow with everyone and everything around me. Like I was a part of those lovers, and dreamers.

As a boy, The Muppets had the power to make me laugh, make me cry, and make me feel like there would always be somewhere where I fit in. Where I belonged.

It's a difficult thing to explain, but I related to the characters, and the weird family dynamic they all had, one with another.

How fitting then, that some 30 years later, I can sit down with my sons and watch those same characters recreate that same familial sense again, and that Cam, and Ridley and I can laugh together, and collectively feel those things I had felt so long ago.

In that moment, some gap of 3,000 miles and 30 years and phone lines and video lines is boiled down to a handful of simple, silly, touching, powerful scenes and the laughs that they induce, and we are all on some level playing field of mutual acceptance and equality.

The movie progresses, and I can feel myself hardening up against the impending tears as the simple starting banjo notes of the song begin. But I can look around the room, and realize that I am in a safe place, and the looks reflected back in those smiles and sweet eyes mirror mine, and I cry without embarrassment or shame.

There might be some time in the very near future where my patience will run out. Where I will be exasperated. Where I will want to yell.

I pray in that razor's edge moment of suspended anger and fear and tension, I will have the presence of mind to simply say:

"Mahna mahna"

Darth Sardonic

This May Sound Like Gibberish...

I am the narrator of my story.

I am not the most compelling main character. My story is predominantly dull, mundane. I am no action hero. I seem better suited in a supporting role, one of dubious moral compass, but who never seems to fail to be there when the plot is turning. One who will retell the twists in a better vocabulary.

My paragraph changes are sometimes as arbitrary as a Kerouac narrative.

I am simultaneously Superman and villain, in this story that ends up being the ongoing saga of my existence on this grain of sand on the vast beach we call Universe.

Some will say I was one of the greatest things ever to come into their lives, and others, one of the worst.

This story is based on true events. But ultimately, no one will care either way.

That will not stop me from telling it far and wide to anyone who will lend an ear.

I know you're out there.

Darth Sardonic

Landscaping

Landscaping in your yard is fun. Even I enjoy planning a flower bed and a lush green lawn.

Landscaping per county codes and requirements is a nightmare.

But, O beloved non-existent readers, it pays the bills. Time to get at it.

Darth Sardonic

43 and...

I was never very good at coming up with a clear picture of where I would be in 5, 10, or 20 years. I always assumed I would be married, with kids, a decent job.

In the secret parts of my wistful moments, I fancied myself a world-famous writer/rock star. While the possibility of being a a mid-level semi famous writer still exists, I am honest enough with myself that I take forever to properly write out one of my better ideas, and then am complete garbage at self-promoting. As far as being a rock star, if home-recording several songs, and maybe making them available on bandcamp for my friends and family to purchase, then that will happen.

The point of all this, O thou beloved non-existent readers; droogs and only friends, is this:  I never pictured my life like this if someone asked me what I would be doing at 43.

Most 43-year-olds I was familiar with when I was a teenager (which seems to be the years an adult feels it necessary to ask where we picture ourselves in 5, 10, and 20 years) seemed...  Well, bored. Disgruntled. Unhappy. Resigned. While I might not have had any idea what I would do, I knew for a fact that these were things I would not be.

And I am proud to say, O thou stalwarts, I am not. I don't look 43. Matter of fact, with my new haircut, the abundance of salt-and-pepper is less noticeable and I look younger than I have in several years, while simultaneously looking wiser.

I don't act 43. However, I think I might be reaching a certain level of maturity that tends to go along with being bored, unhappy, and resigned. I can be one without being the others.

And, ultimately, as I draw to a close these pensive things, I come to the conclusion that while I have not "sold out" or even necessarily "bought in", the rules of the game are clearer to me than they have ever been, and I know how to stay true to myself, and still not get a warning from the ref. And the accoutrements, the trappings of a productive 43-year-old life?

They are there as well: I own a house, the sort of thing one might expect me to buy; lots of personality, in need of some cleaning and dressing up. I have a job, the sort of job one might expect me to work; pays the bills, isn't a matter of life or death, challenges my mind.

And while the requisite marriage part seems a difficult path for me to maintain for extended periods of time, I do have my two amazing sons. And being a good father to them is truly the very best work I could ever do on this planet.

And what else do I need, really?

Darth Sardonic