i shed my skin and become centered...

saturday was our five year anniversary. this means my wife and i have been together for six years, which is almost double my first attempt at domestic servitude.

five years, in this day and age, is like a diamond anniversary, so my wife and i decided to do it up right. we begged and pleaded my sister- and mother-in-law to watch nos. 1 and 2 for the night so that we might go to avalon hotel and spa in portland, or (my wife and her family are from portland). check out how cool this place is at www.avalonhotelandspa.com to see for yourself.

so i received a mud wrap and a full body massage. now, it behooves me to explain at this point that this place is ritzy, and i'm a little used to feeling horribly out of place in ritzy places, but that was not the case with avalon. it didn't seem to matter that i was walking around in a bettie page t-shirt and a pair of very worn 501's, they treated me like i was the only guy in the place.

so daniel removed my skin via brushes, mineral oils, and mud. he tells me, "this is really good for removing the toxins from your body" which caused me to assume that one of two things would happen after i was done with the mud treatment: 1) i would immediately lose about 50 or 60 pounds, because i figure there's at least that much toxins in my body, or 2) by now i would look like one giant whitehead as these toxins fight their happy little way out of my body. neither of these things have happened, but i did go potty alot.

then stuart completely obliterated every tight spot, knot, and achey muscle in my body. my skin and body felt wonderful.

now, i used to be the most centered hepcat that ever walked the planet. very little got me upset. i used to get massages and the therapist would comment on how loose i was. i used to laugh at people who have to wear bite guards at night so they don't grind their teeth down to nubs(my wife falls into this category). my body used to be my pal.

then i had kids. now my teeth ache all the time from grinding. it's either that, or i injure my kids. i figure when they get jobs as lawyers, or ceo's, or rock stars, they can pay to replace my ground-down pearlies. my body is fighting a battle with me about what size it oughtta be, and i'm losing. and my muscles. oh my god, my poor muscles! they are like one giant knot.

so daniel and stuart made me right again, and my wife got all centered as well(in her own part of the spa, into which i was not allowed access), and then we wandered our smiling happy little way over to rivers, a stunningly cool restaurant a mere ten feet away from the hotel, where i drank gin and tonics and ate some absolutely wonderful food.

then back to our room for the kinds of things married couples do when they're drunk, without kids, and completely centered and feeling decadent, followed by a completely uninterrupted night of sleep.

wonderful. beautiful. aaahhh. of course, now we're back in the real world, and my wife and i are rapidly tensing back up, and i have begun replacing the toxins in my body as fast as i can swallow and inhale them, but my skin still feels smooth.

now i have to go, oh my beloved nonexistent readers, as i need to go buy a million lottery tickets so that i may win so that i may make a trip to avalon for this kind of pampering a regular deal.