Monday, May 08, 2006


two things: first, i am extremely exhausted. more on that later. second, this post will contain sexual themes and frank discussions that some readers may find offensive. not personal details of my own escapades mind you (and i know you are all out there saying "phewww" and wiping nervous sweat from your foreheads), but just a reenactment of a conversation we had at the dinner table recently.

the other weekend our friend m was up for a visit, and we were sitting around the table eating dinner. now, we have all long agreed we should have a sign up on the wall near the dinner table as a disclaimer, because we talk about whatever, and i mean whatever strikes us.

this time around, it was masturbation. or, more accurately--well, you'll see for yourself.

somehow or other in the course of the discussion, it came up that i give good massages, and i mentioned that yes, i gave good massages to my wife, but rarely got them back. she looked at me with that look, and said, "i give good bj's."

i nodded, and said, "but if i could only bend myself double..."

laughter ensued, and then a question: "wouldn't that make you kind of gay if you were going to suck your own dick?"

"no, cause jacking off doesn't make me gay, and it's my own damn penis."

i asked one of the ladies present if she would lick herself were she that dexterous. she replied of course, and i asked her if that would make her feel, in any way, gay. she said no, it wouldn't.

the gay or not gay discussion continued for a bit, and it was generally agreed that if one could bend oneself double and pleasure oneself orally, that it would in no way make one gay.

then i said, "now, if i stuck my finger in my butt while doing it..."

ah, the discussions we have at the dinner table.

but this, in my semicatatonic state, moves straight from a lively and mostly humorous conversation to a much more serious thought. last night i watched the movie brokeback mountain.

and i could probably go on and on about the nuances of whatever and the probability of the other thing, but here's the rub, my beloved nonexistant readers: why the fuck can't we just leave bloody-well enough alone?!?

i don't mean you and me personally, o beloved and surely aggravated nonexistant readers, i mean us, the world, the race of fucking humans that blights the otherwise beautiful surface of this tiny insignificant speck of dust in the cosmic stream.

why are we hell-bent on hating each other and destroying each other? two guys want to have sex? good for them. they fall in love? fucking lucky bastards. it in no way affects my life.

the first, and last, time i used the n-word, i was five. i thought it was the same as saying idiot. i had no fucking clue it referred to a specific race of people. and i was baffled when i found out. why would anyone call an african american anything but that or black? or how bout just "buddy"?

now it's muslims and christians. hey, you're both right, leave each other the fuck alone. why my fucking friends have to die in some fucking holy war they don't even agree with while that son of a bitch sits in the whitehouse coloring in a batman coloring book and thinking he is ushering in the second-coming of christ is beyond my ability to grasp.

when i worked at travis afb, in omfs, i came in early one morning to start setting up, and found two doctors feverishly working on stitching up and removing broken teeth from a master sergeant. his wife was sitting in our break room, wrapped up in a blanket and looking dazed.

a few neanderthals jumped this guy while he was out on a date with his wife, cause they thought he was gay. those doctors had been working on him since two in the morning. they thought he was gay while he walked along holding hands with his wife. his fucking wife!!

and so what if he was? so fucking what!! who gives a shit. again, it in no way affects our lives.

but as a race, we are hardwired to hate that which is not like ourselves. and i don't get that.

cause in the end, o my droogs and only friends, we're all alike. we're all human.

so i'm gonna go wash my face, and if the rest of you, my beloved nonexistant readers, could give each other hugs and try and be nice to those that you casually come in contact with today, even if it is only for today, that might help alot with my present state of mind.

and i am tired because my youngest is sick, and has been up alot two nights in a row, and i with him. i thought it was just allergies until the fever kicked in. yeah, they are holding my father-of-the-year award pending a review of the circumstances. boy, i hate it when my kids are sick. i hate it even more when i thought it was "nothing" and then discover that it was really something. that might have alot to do with the mood of this post as well.

thanks for sticking it out with me though, and be good to each other.

darth sardonic


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