Wednesday, June 07, 2006

new additions, same old song and dance

first things first, a warm welcome to courtney, a very good friend of mine, who has enjoyed my blog now for a bit, and only recently took the plunge to start her own, so you get to get in on the ground floor. and, she has an incredible knack for the literary. but don't take my word for it, check it out yourself.

secondly, o my droogs and much-beloved readers, i am a bit tired, and alot pensive, and feeling slightly connected to the universe again, and we all know what happens when i get like that. i plan on bawling my way through this post.

i wonder sometimes who and what i was in past lives. i have been told by a few different friends whose opinions i trust, that i have "an old soul". i guess, meaning that my spirit, the essence that is me, has been kicking round this marble for a bit. and i believe that. but i wish i knew more about the past me's as i feel that would lend incredible insight into the me now. and how those past me's tie in to the now me's friends and loved ones. would be interesting. i have no doubts that at some point i was a rat fucking bastard of the worst kind, at least in one life, cause that fucker still resides deep within me, and i fight him regularly, and only let him out when i need to do some ass-kicking. i also imagine that i played alot of practical jokes on jesus or mohammed or someone important, cause i kind of seem to get a cosmic teasing on a regular basis.

for some reason, i am thinking about my father alot today. i know, i know, it's like the guy who gets drunk and calls the same girl every time and leaves crying messages on her machine. but it is different this time. it's not confused, it's not sad, it's not fraught with pain and angst. i feel like he is close, today at least, like he's got my back, like he's laughing his damn ass off right now at that line. maybe it's just me, or maybe we really get to keep tabs on our loved ones, i like to think so. dad, i just want you to know, i love you. i might be ready to call you my hero again.

and, as always, that is followed by a deep prayer that i am a hero to my boys. and from somewhere i get an answer like i'm doing a pretty fucking good job, and that, my droogies, causes a new burst of tears. cause if i do only one thing right in this life, i want it to be that. so bad i can fucking taste it like bile in the back of my throat.

and now that i have purged excess water and salt, o my beloved, patient, and dear nonexistant readers, i have to drag myself from the center of the universe back to this house in the hairball in lakewood, cause i have a toilet that needs fixing, and i really oughtta try and get it done while little hands aren't begging to help.

you know what, fuck that. i'm in just the right mood to need that help. and wasn't i just saying i wanted to be that kinda dad? fucking right, mate. so i'm gonna drink some coffee, and me n the boys are gonna fix a toilet, and by christ, i'm not even gonna raise my voice at em when they're more in the way than i want.

thanks dad, for your help on that one.

darth sardonic


Blogger Courtney said...

You got me with this one. I comepletly understand the remembering, the introspective moments, the longing to be the best at what's most important. I'm in awe of, not only your writing (as I always have been) but of you yourself. Thanks much for this particular post. It was wonderful.

9:43 AM  

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