Friday, June 25, 2010

fiction (an excercise mostly...)

"i'm leaving!"

he rolled over, the scattered sheets crumpling under and around him, and fixed her with a bleary-eyed stare.

"did you hear me? i'm leaving."

"ok." he rolled back over and smashed his face back into the pillow.

he could feel heatwaves of anger and indecision wafting across his back.

"and i'm taking this!" accompanied by the sound of something or other being lifted off the dresser. her dresser.

he didn't even bother rolling back over to see what she was "taking" with her.

an exasperated breath, followed by: "don't you even wanna know what it is?"

he sighed, rolled back over. took a moment to focus on the object she held in her hand. some meaningless knick knack.

"issin tha' yers?"

thunderheads accumulated in her eyes, "i bought this for you on our one year anniversary!"

"oh." he waited. she stood transfixed.

"well," he said, lamely, "you bought it, makes it yours i guess."

she cast her eyes feverishly around the room.

he rolled back over.

she hissed an exasperated noise.

he tried to go back to sleep against the ticking of the clock and the burning holes her eyes tattooed into his back.

after a few more moments of feigning sleep, he rolled back over.

"thought you were leaving?"

for a moment he thought she was going to cry; then the thunderheads broke in her features. "i am!"


he rolled back over.

the clocked ticked. the back of his skull lit afire with her stare.

"aren't you going to say anything?"

"ha'n't plann' on i'."


he sighed. rolled back over. "hadn't planned on it."

still she stood.

he rolled back over.

tick tock tick tock.

"oh!" he said abruptly, rolling back over, the sheets falling away in his haste.

"what?" she turned from the door where she had been lingering reluctantly.

"take the cat and the plant with you, will ya?"

lemme know what you think. what you think each character wants. if i hit my mark or not.

darth sardonic

Labels: , , , , ,


Blogger Gringa-n-Mexico said...

I, uhhhh I don't know? I can tell you what that guy DOESN'T want - er... care about - and that would be his wife. Or maybe she's just a drama queen and he's used to it?

The woman, I think she didn't really want to leave, she was flitting around waiting for him to react so that they could get in a fight, so she could feel better, and in the end - stay.

Or she's just a crazy bitch and he's sick of it and couldn't care less?

It kinda reminds me of my husband, the way he tries to ignore me when I'm pissed. So truly, I can't get over the overwhelming feeling that the guy is a dick. Lol - but I need some background before I can decide! ;D

If you come back and say that this was you guys I'll die. Just so you know.

12:54 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

lol gringa no it isn't us. you actually mostly got it. the guy has probably been wishing she would leave for a very long time.

and she wants to leave, she just wants him to hurt over it when she does. and he isn't, so she's getting mad.

i wanted to convey it without beating the reader over the head with it. see if they could sort it out from the little i give.

and they're both dicks.

5:00 AM  
Blogger twirl unabashedly said...

i was married to that guy.

she threatens to leave because he makes her feel insecure and she is seeking reassurance that he wants her there.

he wont give that to her because he thinks she'll leave him for someone better eventually, because he knows he treats her like shit. so- he's acting preemptively.

they're young, tho she is quite a bit younger than him, and neither truely want the relationship anymore. its grown to be based on disfunction and habit instead of desire and functionality, and neither of them wants to be the one to end it. be the bad guy, per se.

she eventually wakes up ashamed of the person she's allowed herself to disintegrate into as a result of him, moves out, and works her ass off to become who she wanted to be all along.

he remains a douchbag, and she reminds him of that each time she walks past him on the street as if he never mattered to her at all.

or... something like that.

10:08 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

wow twirl, extremely insightful. what i am discovering from this exercise is that i left it open enough that everybody gets the gist, but they put their own personal experiences into the mix. gringa says, the guy's a dick. you have an amazing deeper look into both of them. i was thinking of my own ex-wife when i wrote this. she always wanted me to be upset. to feel like i needed her there. she was leaving, she just wanted it to be hard on me. and it was. i wrote the guy the way i wish i would've been. "fine, you're leaving. big deal. why you still fucking here?" hope i get more comments on this it's really fascinating.

2:59 PM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

these people make me depressed - that would mean to you as the writer, they are quite real....

5:05 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

lol m'lady sorry. but ty. i think.

2:22 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home