Tuesday, August 17, 2010

A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together

i've mulled this post over in my head for a few days. in the past i have been a bit reactionary; running straight here to whine like my world is falling apart because i didn't get some job or some whatever that i was really counting on, and then alluding to the ensuing inebriation.

i applied for an extension to my gi bill (it ended 1 august--ten years since i separated from the air force) under the idea that i had mitigating circumstances (i.e. the need to be home as at least one of my kids due to their special needs and appointments for seven years).

maybe it's because i had sorta already decided i wasn't getting it. i hoped i was, but some part of me knew. turns out, they only do extensions for medical reasons if i am the one with the medical situation, not a family member.

now, here's the part where i turn away from doing my usual whining and puling. i got the rejection letter, sat down, and thought about it. where has most of my gi bill gone? guitars, basses, parts for said guitars n basses, lighting for the bandroom, pipes and accessories, trips to get my tattoo worked on, and alcohol.

i was at least savvy enough to save my last two gi bill checks, and they more than cover tuition and books for this semester and next (also my last). so the really important thing, my education, is covered. furthermore, i was awarded a pell grant (it won't be much at all, but still...)

and then i thought about friends of mine who live at home, and who make the pittance they get from scholarships or the pell grant last them a whole year while they attend school. friends who have been driving the same car since they were teenagers and just limping it through. friends who haven't gone to the theater to watch a movie in years because ten bucks is just too much to drop on something not necessary.

i have said it once, o my beloved non-existent readers, and will say it again and again: i am one lucky motherfucker. my bills, they're covered. i don't have to worry about where my next meal will come from. i have everything i need, most things i want (and an unfairly amount more of the things i want than many of my friends--but my wants list is so fucking huge, o my beloveds!) and i have a support system behind me that has my back come hell or high water.

and i have spent alot of time and energy on things that are fun, that make me happy, but aren't necessary.

so it boiled down to this: no more alcohol whatsoever on the weeknights (and i didn't even do an exorbitant amount on the weekend. our friend e and i were watching "true blood" and i had a scotch, went into the kitchen to make another, waffled, and ultimately walked back out with a big bottle of water), this weekend was my last big binge on ebay. and my wife has been gone for a week (traditionally a time when i would drink more and buy more frivolous shit on ebay, or wherever else!)

this denial is an opportunity for me to exercise self-restraint, something i haven't been very good at all lately.

my tattoo might have to wait some. i don't need to drink all the time. i don't need anymore bass or guitar parts right now (i actually need to sell a bass and a guitar really).

and this is spilling over to other parts of my life as well. i haven't been as interested in porn of late. i am ok with a good book, or a movie, i don't need to be out painting the town red.

now, in all fairness, o my droogs n only friends, these are the cycles i go on. this isn't going to be a new lifestyle. but for now, and under the circumstances, i need to buckle down to saving my money and spending it wisely on the things i really need rather than the things i desire.

is that growing up? i sure hope not.

darth sardonic

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