Thursday, September 19, 2013

O thou strong and stalwart...

I am reading my posts of late; O, such anger, such hate.

This is part of the process, O my beloveds, thou stalwart and true droogs and only friends.

But I haven't imploded; nor have I caved into a world of self-loathing, or guilt, rather, I have left the confines of my safe place and pushed out the boundaries of my comfort.

In short, I have learned to live again.

Like a stunted tree on the steppes of some wind-swept frozen tundra, I have scrabbled together a foothold.

I will be honest with you, my wholly Nonexistent Readers, I am in a tenuous place:  my two boys, perhaps the only things I will ever love more than myself, those two things I actually did completely right, they have moved 3,000 miles away. Most days, at best, are a struggle aided by the routine.

But I am no ordinary grumpy, morose motherfucker. And my kids are no ordinary rambunctious boys. We will overcome.

I am blessed, O thou stalwart and strong. Thou true and loyal. Those, who find yourselves reading, and are drawn, inexorably, back to view, to partake, to read yet again. I am blessed with you. I am blessed with the sorts of friends that happen in books and movies and of which many readers dream, but few actually have. I am blessed with a surprising knowledge of my place in this world, not grandiose, however, not belittled by any means either.

I am here. I do what I do.

Cool Hand Luke said it best, perhaps, when he said, "Sometimes nothing is a cool hand."

I will keep playing the cards I'm dealt and find that cool hand, O thou droogs and only friends.

Darth Sardonic


Blogger Sandrine said...

Hi,I read the last post but I wasn't sure what to say. Venting is good.I just hope things will be looking up.I'm sorry you are so far from your kids, it must be really hard.I wouldn't dare giving you any advice but the only thing I can tell you is that my parents divorced when I was 9.It was bitter on both parts and they kept saying mean stuff about each other to me.It was painful.They also did stuff on purpose like my father would bring me back late and my mother would freak out.It wasn't pretty.Now that I have kids myself, I realize how damaging it was. If possible,the two of you may want to try to avoid this.Just my two cents.Keep on keeping on.Take care. Sandrine

10:09 AM  
Blogger Gwyneth Baker said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

11:18 PM  
Blogger Gwyneth Baker said...

(((Dave))) Thinking of you.

11:20 PM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

Sandrine, your two cents are appreciated, and I too was a pawn in the battle between parents when I was young. My ex-wife and I work hard to not belittle the other, even when the kids aren't around, and we try to remain friends based on the 14 years we had together, and for more than just the kids' sake.

Gwyneth, ty!

Stick with me, O thou stalwarts, I am redefining myself, and I hope that from this civil war I fight I will arise ready to be something closer to my old self, and again write here as I once did.

12:47 PM  

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