overheard

this is a real, no-shit conversation that i heard (or more like "was forced to undergo." like a colonoscopy.) while waiting in a line that i was unable to escape yesterday:

but first, let me set the stage. as i said before, i am in a line that i cannot leave, when several persons join the line right behind me. these people are what i, a lifelong card-carrying member of the Dorkboys of the World, Unite and Take Over Movement (or DWUTOM--you know it?), like to refer to as uberdorks. that is to say, these fellas speak klingon more than english, and make the 40-year-old virgin look like don juan played by ron "the hedgehog" jeremy with brad pitt's looks.

the one nearest me begins humming something loudly while we all wait.

"hmmmm hmm hmmm hmm hmmmmmmmmmmmm hm bmm hum bmml hm hmmmm hmmmmp hmmmmmmmmmmmm." (and if you think it is annoying reading it typed out right here, you should've been there when he was actually humming it!)

this lasts a minute or two, in which time i wish i had the ability to run screaming away, or at the very least, rip my ears right off my skull.

apparently, his annoying humming doesn't elicit the response he hoped for, so he says to one of his buddies, "that has got to be the best rendition of that song, ever."

"what's that?" asks his buddy. (i imagine someone doing motions as if they are reeling a fish in.)

"oh, something i have been listening to on my ipod."

"oh?"

"yeah, the best version of kumbaya."

i swallow my gum.

"it's a trombone sextet, and they jazz it up. it is awesome!"

i feel faint.

"if i could put it on my myspace, i would."

i think i am going to projectile vomit, and try to sneak off to my happy place, but the speaker has apparently skipped right over the lowering of the voice segment of puberty, and his high-pitched sandpapery words fight their way right past my mental roadblocks.

when i am finally out of the line, i realize i am crying and sucking my thumb with my other arm over my head like a shield.

kumbaya?!!!!? seriously? and where would one go to locate a trombone sextet of any song, let alone that particular song? i believe were i to walk into my local purveyor of dusty musical discs, and spout, in my best john cleese posh git, "i say, my good man, fetch me everything you have in print of jazzy trombone sextets, and be hastey about it." i might very well find myself staring down the barrels of a loaded shotgun that all small music stores keep behind the counter specifically for assholes seeking jazzy trombone sextets. or at the very least, john cusack would tell me, "trombone sextets? seriously? get the fuck out of my store. no, i'm serious, leave my fucking store right now."

of course, i think it behooves me to admit that i, until recently, had all the string quartet tributes i could find to system of a down, joy division, new order, tool, and nirvana. heh heh.

for now,

darth sardonic