Sunday, November 25, 2007

desperate deranged talking in my sleep again

should my family ever be required to escape from a prison camp, we would surely be shot.

yesterday, my wife and i were laying on our bed, (fully dressed, this aint that kinda blog!) half asleep and attempting to figure out what we were going to do with our day, when the sprogs came into the bedroom.

no. 2 begins to drag himself onto the bed. the top of our mattress is probably about three feet from the floor, and no. 2 is barely taller than that, so needless to say this was no easy feat. my wife says, "grab my foot." shrieking ensues. but we're no closer to having no. 2 safely on the bed. "no. 1, push him from behind." more shrieking and laughter. louders pleas and shouts. still no closer to having no. 2 with us on the bed. the whole scene quickly disintigrates into some kind of laurel and hardy skit, and i drolly observe that we would be doomed if we were ever trying to quietly scale a wall, say.

being tired, and moody, this somehow skips to that movie (several years old now) with the little italian fella that is terminally optimistic (life is beautiful) who ends up with his family in a nazi camp, who then proceeds to turn it into a "game" for his young son, in hopes they will survive and get out.

as you can well imagine, this movie made me cry. like fucking crazy. the only movie that has made me cry more is the green mile (oh my god, that goddamn movie. good for a huge purge when i am in desperate need).

and leaping quickly from this bittersweet movie to me, and my own kids (cause this is easily how my brain works) and how massive is my love for them. how easily i would trek through the darker basements of hell for them. and simultaneously, how amazed i am daily as i look into their eyes, that i am even here.

"here" meaning married, with kids. how strange. how beautiful and odd and wondrous to find myself reminding my kids that i love them after having lectured them loudly at length. how amazing to me, it feels as if it is someone else's life sometimes, or a dream. and yet it is mine.

if you had asked me as a kid, i woulda told you someday i would be married with kids. matter of factly, without hesitation. but funny how nebulous that concept was. how incredible and unreal and powerful and life-affirming and -changing the reality is.

am i the only one that finds myself wondering how i ended up here, and simultaneously pleased that i did?

darth sardonic

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Blogger Krissie said...

Seriously, how did you end up there? lol I guess that means there's still hope for the rest of us.

Anyway, Green Mile... What can I tell you, my sister literally left the room 10 minutes before the end because she couldn't stand my sobbing. I don't think I ever cried quite that loudly while watching a movie.
And I saw Life Is Beautifulonce. I've never been able to bring myself to watching it again.

11:15 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

absolutely krissie, if i can do it, anyone can. and yeah, i was biting my fist in the theater on green mile so no one would hear me, and yeah, life is beautiful was a tough one, and knowing what i know now, i don't think i could watch it again.

3:51 PM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

After "The Green Mile" I needed an IV , I was so dehydrated from crying. I didn't even see "A Beautiful LIfe" I may be a sucker, but I'm not stupid!

I love the scene that plays in my head while reading this post! I know just what you mean. I look at Q now, in graduate school, planning her wedding, and I am amazed! I did that! Wow! Just continue to enjoy Dad. Your best thing is that you recognize it for the miracle of joy that it is.vt

9:53 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh, La Vita... was a wonderful film! I cried throughout, especially at the end... And The Green Mile as well!

I think 'How did I end up here?' quite often, but I alternate between being happy and content about it and wondering what else could have been out there for me. That also means I hate becoming thirty soon. Somehow I wonder where the time went in between my eighteenth birthday and now. But then I think of all the love I have and I reckon lots of people are far worse off.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Sparx said...

Ah, what a great post. Yes, I wonder the same thing sometimes. I love it when the spud climbs onto the bed to play too... nothing like a laughing child to make the day, hey?

2:27 PM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

indeed lady macleod, good to know i am not alone.

belle, i seldom wonder where else i might be, cause the other part of my brain always throws in "squashed uner a meteor" or "dead of cancer at 28" in the mix. mostly i am pretty happy right here, right now.

yep, sparx, laughing kids will certainly perk one up a bit.

4:14 PM  
Blogger zirelda said...

Um actually I went there and left after 13 years. I don't regret it and would do it again if the signs were right, but I'm very happy now in my life. And yes, sometimes I look at my daughter and wonder how this happened so fast. Seems like only yesterday I was 23, in college and dreaming of a life I would never live.

7:07 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

exactly zirelda. i see my kids do stuff and think, i was just doing that same fucking thing not that long ago.

1:00 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

Kids are great but I couldn't eat a whole one, as someone used to say to me.

Yep the love of our children transcends everything else on the planet for me.

10:38 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

me too pixie, me too.

10:59 AM  
Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

Ahhh what a lovely heart warming post...

5:07 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

ty dj, and thanks for reading.

8:03 AM  

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