Monday, June 04, 2007

oh my god i miss my wife...

a package arrived in the mail today. inside was a mini dvd of my wife reading the boys two stories.

there was my wife, illuminated on the comuter screen, absofuckinglutely radiant despite having her hair pulled back and being clad in her pt gear.

o my dear, patient, long-suffering non-existant reader, this was, quite simply, gorgeousness and gorgeosity as of the finest spun heavenmetal. the kind of moment that is so awesome and brilliant in its expansiveness that the human body can almost not contain it. i watched, entranced, as she began one story, mesmerized by her eyes and her mouth. i wanted to fall deep into those orbs and never climb free.

the boys sat on my lap and watched and laughed and interacted as if their mommy was seated right there in front of them, shouting "yup!" when she said she hoped they were having fun with daddy.

as you might guess, i alternated between wanting to pull her from the screen and bury her with kisses, and gulping back impending sobs.

when the fourteen-minute movie was over, my boys gave me hugs (as they had been instructed by their mom from afar) and went back to playing games.

and i broke down, and logged in here, and broke down some more. i'm still breaking down in waves as i write this (which is getting increasingly harder and harder through the veil of tears), and snot is dripping out of my nose unchecked.

i might need a fucking shower once i have posted this. hell, i might need a shower and a drink. shit, i might need a shower, a drink, and a long nap in which i will dream about holding my wife's body against mine without ever letting her go again...


i'm better. sort of. i keep telling myself that i am not going to rewatch the dvd after the kids go to bed, but i think we all know that i will.

i realize that this is the job. i realize that thousands, maybe millions, of people do this, and not just in this country, but many others as well. i realize that some wife in afghanistan or iraq is watching her husband leave the house and wondering if he is ever coming back. i realize a spouse in another part of the world is aching for his or her significant other. i realize that my friend a's hubby's company lost two soldiers just two weeks ago in an incident that was widely publicized on the news here. i realize that my wife is so far from any danger as to almost not even feel it. none of this changes the very real fact that i am sitting here awash in a yearn to feel my wife and hear her laugh and touch her skin that i can actually feel in the pit of my stomach like a hot knife, o my droogs and only friends.

but let me have this moment of pain, and emptiness, and ache, and lust, and yearning, and bawling, and then i will be alright, and ready to again tackle the day-to-day with my sarcastic wit and aplomb, smirking like the motherfucker i am, and quirking my eyebrow in that way that lets you know i am thinking things i oughtn't to be, and no, i won't share those thoughts with you. heh heh.


and to sorta answer your question (and at the same time, artfully dodge the details of the full answer), wuastc, usually i tell people when they ask why i was in argentina that i was on a student exchange. not because i am ashamed of going to argentina, nor of what i did there, but because the man i was when i went to buenos aires is so different from the man i am today, and yet, at the same time, so alike. so in all fairness to you, the non-existant readers, and because i doubt highly that any of you will buy some bullshit line, i offer you the truth:

at the time i boarded a plane to fly to south america, i was very active in the religion to which i belong. i believed very strongly that its tenets could help everyone. i wanted to share this with anyone who wanted to hear.

i don't regret that decision, even now, when i haven't been to church in years, and (clearly) no longer even attempt to follow the specific teachings thereof. and maybe someday, i will post as to the reasons and events that led to me abruptly switching the course of my life. for the sake of brevity (too late), suffice to say, i am much happier now than i ever was before, except when i was in argentina.

the reasons i am glad that i went to do missionary work in argentina are completely selfish: i learned so much about who i was, how i viewed the world, and what was really, truly important to me, than i ever would have if i had stayed home. argentina taught me so much more than i ever taught it, or its people.

so the reason i don't usually give the real reason i was there is not because i am ashamed, either of the choice to go or of having gone, or even of where my life is now, but because the two would appear to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, and i wouldn't want one to cloud or mar or skew the other.

but, again, bucket of contradictions, hahahaha.

and so my biggest, darkest secret is out. i could say here that i was gay, or once killed a man in cold blood, or that i have alien eggs incubating in the back yard, and in my head that would be a fraction of the deep, dark secret that the real reason i went to buenos aires is.

hopefully, that doesn't change anyone's opinion of me. actually, i don't really care, hahaha.

thanks for playing along though.

darth sardonic

ps. holy shit, the corrections i had to make to this post once my eyes cleared. and a side note: i am not gay, i have never killed anyone in cold blood (except some wasps, and sundry other nasty bugs, a few garter snakes, and a toad. i cried heavily for the snakes and toad when i got a little older and realized just how unnaturally cruel i had been. they told me to quit fucking worrying about it.), and i do not have alien eggs incubating in the back yard (that's my story, and i am sticking to it, heh heh).


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Blogger lady macleod said...

I LOVE how you love your wife. I think the sexiest thing a man can do is to be madly in love with his wife, and talk about it.

I like the Argentina story. I don't find it surprising as you appear to be a man of commitment, compassion, and care.

5:45 PM  
Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

Beautiful heartfelt writing...moved me to tears.

10:37 PM  
Blogger wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Darthman, I hope you're feeling a bit better. Though the ache of missing your wife must always be there, like the buzzing in my ears -- always there but noticed more in quieter moments. She's a lucky woman to have you, but I bet she knows that. Don't be ashamed of whatever you've done or believed in the past. It's all come together to make you the man you are today.

2:57 AM  
Blogger Chantay said...

Your wife's a really lucky lady. I know my husband wouldn't pine for me the way you do for your wife. Albeit, he's never had the opportunity as I've never been away for an extended period. Still, it'd be nice to think that it's possible. But I'm a realist. ...And, what happened in Argentina should stay in Argentina.

7:32 AM  
Blogger Elsie Button said...

darth, i loved this post. but please will you tell me ( i have been wanting to ask for ages but have been too scared) - where is your wife, why is she away, when is she coming back and are you still together? i know that i could probably find all this out myself but your blog goes back to 2004 and i just haven't had time... if these questions are personal then ignore me or tell me to f*** off. wherever she is - i hope she comes back soon - you obviously ADORE her! i hope she adores you too.

PS. you have been ignoring my blog recently - get back over there!

10:57 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

lady macleod, well ty very much (boy, do i have her snowed heh heh)

ty dj kirby

wuastc, ty and we are both lucky to have each other. and i couldn't agree more, i am where i am because of everything i have gone through.

lol chantay, well, i certainly didn't do anything naughty in argentina, so i'm not really worried about the stories i tell.

elsie, i have been reading your blog regularly, just haven't commented every time. my wife is in the armed forces of the us, and is currently somewhere in russia sorta, lending support to the troops in both afghanistan and iraq. she ought to be back in september, and yes, we are still very much together.

12:21 PM  
Blogger The Good Woman said...

Beautiful - in that expletive ridden way we love so much. I wanted to ask the questions Elsie did and am now REALLY looking forward to your September entried (or will you just stop blogging when you have your wife for distraction).

1:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Darth, you almost brought me to tears. Almost ;) -- I am strong, I am strong, I am strong...

And your mission in Argentina? At one point in time I even considered doing the talks -- if we're on the same page here. Heartfelt religion is never a bad thing -- if combined with enough perspective on the world. Your growth shows it was, most probably.


2:08 PM  
Blogger jAMiE said...

What a lovely post...i enjoyed's refreshing to see a man so in love with his wife.

Still loving your fun to read!

Oh and thank you so much for adding my blog to your list, i truly appreciate that!

9:01 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

She is one lucky lady to be so loved.

And what a hard task for both of you.

My husband was in the navy and although i loathed the partings , what can i say about the homecoming, except got two sons to show for it.

And yes get back to being sardonic!!

3:14 PM  
Blogger Snuffleupagus said...

So pleased to have read the comment explaining where your wife is. I got a little worried for a moment there...

Great post.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Sparx said...

What a great post - can't believed I missed this one. Went back to catch up and got to where I'd been last and then saw this in the side-bar and thought, 'ey up?' - she's a lucky woman. You're a lucky man.

4:14 PM  

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