four by one hundred medley
no. 1 decides today that underwear is unnecessary. he's been doing this quite a bit lately, and i am not sure why. i only rarely go commando, and i don't think it has ever been the kind of thing that no. 1 has noticed.
we go to get some lunch, and when we are about eating, no. 1 needs to go potty. i ask no. 2 if he needs to go too. "nope, i'm just eatin'."
so i take no. 1 to the restroom, where he keeps up a consant chatterbox litany of alice-in-wonderland cum star wars stream of conscious stuff as he pees. now, i should mention here that my oldest has a manlier pee stance than even i have, and it cracks me up. he pushes up the seat with his left hand, holds it, and rests the weight of his body against it, then either a) without touching himself, goes pee in the toilet, or b) holds himself between first and middle fingers like a cigarette, and pees. either way, it is a very cock-forward (no pun intended) way of peeing, as if he is quite proud of peeing, and of the equipment he uses to do so. i pee hunched over as if i am embarrassed both of the process and the equipment with which i accomplish said process.
we get back to the table, and now no. 2 has to go. of course. off i go again to the bathroom. no. 2 doesn't talk as much, but is easily sidetracked from the task at hand.
back to the table. i still haven't sat down when no. 1 says, "i have to go potty."
wife/me: (in unison) again?!?
no. 1: "i have to poop."
back yet again to the restroom, where the litany picks up where it left off as free-ballers sits on the toilet.
"i fell to earth-"
"ok, david bowie."
"-my x-wing crashed and i landed in a place called roosevelt [the name of his school] cause the bad guys had a bomb. when i am seven can i watch star wars: royal n chef? in two weeks is grammy gonna buy us lego indy? i am one of the kids that beats up nanny puffy-"
"p diddy's sister?"
"-cause she is mean and has a wart. i just ran through the forest and had all the elfs help me. then we-"
"are you done going poop?"
"yes, but i am talking!"
"wipe your ass and let's get out of here, jaysus!"
back to the table where i ask no. 2 if he happens to need to go back to the potty. but he, luckily, has had the foresight to finish the job the first time through.
darth sardonic
we go to get some lunch, and when we are about eating, no. 1 needs to go potty. i ask no. 2 if he needs to go too. "nope, i'm just eatin'."
so i take no. 1 to the restroom, where he keeps up a consant chatterbox litany of alice-in-wonderland cum star wars stream of conscious stuff as he pees. now, i should mention here that my oldest has a manlier pee stance than even i have, and it cracks me up. he pushes up the seat with his left hand, holds it, and rests the weight of his body against it, then either a) without touching himself, goes pee in the toilet, or b) holds himself between first and middle fingers like a cigarette, and pees. either way, it is a very cock-forward (no pun intended) way of peeing, as if he is quite proud of peeing, and of the equipment he uses to do so. i pee hunched over as if i am embarrassed both of the process and the equipment with which i accomplish said process.
we get back to the table, and now no. 2 has to go. of course. off i go again to the bathroom. no. 2 doesn't talk as much, but is easily sidetracked from the task at hand.
back to the table. i still haven't sat down when no. 1 says, "i have to go potty."
wife/me: (in unison) again?!?
no. 1: "i have to poop."
back yet again to the restroom, where the litany picks up where it left off as free-ballers sits on the toilet.
"i fell to earth-"
"ok, david bowie."
"-my x-wing crashed and i landed in a place called roosevelt [the name of his school] cause the bad guys had a bomb. when i am seven can i watch star wars: royal n chef? in two weeks is grammy gonna buy us lego indy? i am one of the kids that beats up nanny puffy-"
"p diddy's sister?"
"-cause she is mean and has a wart. i just ran through the forest and had all the elfs help me. then we-"
"are you done going poop?"
"yes, but i am talking!"
"wipe your ass and let's get out of here, jaysus!"
back to the table where i ask no. 2 if he happens to need to go back to the potty. but he, luckily, has had the foresight to finish the job the first time through.
darth sardonic
Labels: my kids are crazy
posted by darth sardonic at 10:59 AM
4 Comments:
Ahahahahahaha, I just laughed out loud at the way your kid pees.
Uh... does that make me weird?
nope krissie, i do too
Too funny. When Rach was little she had to use every public restroom we came across. Couldn't get through a dinner without visiting the restrom.
Course she pees like a girl.....
good thing too, z. lol
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