shitty sidewalks, busty sidewalks

i have to take out all my piercings for the surgery.

so the morning of, as i put on my slacker garb (loose-fitting and comfortable is what they suggested, and any time i do loose-fitting and comfortable, i feel like i oughtta have a greasy mop of studiously unkempt hair and should stand around in a carefully controlled slouch saying "meh"), and wrestled out my barbells. but my earrings would not come. my earrings are called "captive ball" rings, and to get them out and in usually requires a special tool that spreads the ring part so the ball will slip in easily.

"fuck it, they'll have some or guy who will have something to get em out. let's go."

quickly and smoothly through the paperwork and admissions portion, till i find myself buck-ass except gripper-tape socks and world's flimsiest and least modest robe ever (luckily, i am not particularly known for being overly modest, whilst at the same time not really being a flasher or anything like that either) in my own private room, watching "the price is right" while my wife makes wisecracks.

a barrage of questions from the anaesthesiologist, another nurse, the iv started in my hand while i try to explain that i am somewhere between a daily and a social drinker, which causes some mild consternation in the nurse until she shoots me up with the half-dose of versed, which hits me at a wallop and she realizes that drinking and drunk are not necessarily the same thing with me.

in and out of conciousness (versed is fun, i recommend it to anyone--err, well, i mean, if you are having surgery), with snippets of drew carey and bustling back and forth. an or tech comes in to easily pop out my earrings and the nurse tells me it was like a race to see who could get into my room fastest to get the opportunity to take them out.

i might've said something witty like, "i'm really not that good-looking." maybe. or maybe in my head.

my glasses are removed, and i get the second half-dose of versed, both of which don't stop me from noticing that the nurse taking me back is hot as hell (or maybe excacerbating the situation, i am not really sure), and then a very fuzzy recollection, as if viewed through frosted glass, of another anaesthesiologist telling me to take big deep breaths over and over, even though i am pretty fucking sure i already am. the mask barely over my mouth and nose.

fuzzy white empty space, followed by a young guy named lou flirting loudly with the nurses in an italian new york accent between questions to me: "hey, hey, you know i'm good for iiit. drinks on me, baby, drinks on me. how you feelin' mr sardonic, hey?" flip flop flip flop in and out of coherency. a distinct moment with my ear doctor, an asian fellow who moves and talks faster than anyone i have ever met, and yet manages to do so quietly and understatedly: "howdideverythinggomrsardonicthesurgerywentwonderfulyouwereactuallymissingthatboneithaddisintigratedyeah"

then him telling me to plug my right ear, leaning in close to my left, and whispering something that was very distinct, but that i subsequently lost in the retroactive amnesic effects of the drug cocktail i had been subjected to, followed by him whispering to me to count to three and me giggling like a little kid who has just been told a great secret and counting one two three. (this would also, it should be noted, be the last time i will hear out of this ear so well to date. but more on that later.)

another room where a guy who had been in the marines for 20 years gave me water and my wife sat beside me. we probably conversed, but i have no idea what about. then i got dressed (i only sorta remember that, and for all i know, i mighta done it in full view of everyone around, though i am pretty sure my wife wouldn't have allowed that) and got wheeled out to the car, where i felt it was important to ask my wife:

"so the nurse that took me back? she was hot, right?"

"the old one?"

"no, the one that wheeled the bed back to surgery. i didn't have my glasses on n i was stoned, but i am pretty sure she was hot."

"oh, the one that came in and took you back! yeah, she was very pretty. but she was wearing baby phat scrubs. i mean c'mon, seriously, baby phat scrubs (maybe just a hint of jealousy in her voice)! maybe she is trying to land herself a hot doctor."

"yeah, prolly. can't blame her."

dizzying down with a doofy grin on my face as the streets blended and intertwined and i spent the rest of the day in and out of sleep.

not sure how much lortab does for pain, but it sure knocks my ass out. the next two days were basically spent feeling like i have gotten a sinus infection from the inner circle of staphalococcus hell, everything i eat or drink tasting metallic, hocking up tremendous loogies that look like they might get up and crawl out of the sink on tentacle-like tendrils.

my inner ears starts the day feeling relatively normal (but with lots of cracking and popping) but my pillow looks like someone killed me in the middle of the night, then in the course of the day pressure builds to a golf-ball sized lump of icky dough before releasing again and making me look like someone has blown up a bomb very near my head, fluid draining from my ear, the chewing oxidated copper taste flooding the left side of my mouth.

due to the fluid build up (which is perfectly normal), the hearing in that ear is decreased to an underwater susurrus of the waves gently lapping my inner ear. i hold on to that giggly, drug-induced little kid memory of the doctor telling me to count to three, because if i were to judge the outcome of my surgery right now based on what i can hear, i would be sure he rendered me deaf.

turns out, one of the three bones in my inner ear that convey the pulses from the ear drum to the aural nerves had actually disintigrated somewhere along the line, and the doctor replaced it with a suitable piece of titanium, and once my ear quits refilling with fluid, i will be able to hear wonderfully.

in the meantime, it is kicking my ass.

darth sardonic

p.s. one really should not get surgery a couple weeks before christmas and right after one's mom arrives from out of town. just saying.