Wednesday, March 30, 2005

epiphany

so i feel i should explain yesterday's cryptic little post.

but to do so, i've got to tell a bit of a story, so bear with me (or bare with me, you decide). maybe a couple months ago (maybe longer), on a drive back from portland, i was listening to 1077 the end (of edginess in radio) to the "local music" show.

they played a song that immediately upon hearing, i knew i was going to need. not just to listen to once in awhile, but it would end up being one of my all-time favorite songs ever.

the song was "velocity" by a band called leuko. well, monday night i had off, and went to rocket records (the south sound's store for local music) and bought leuko's album.

upon waking up yesterday, i listened to "velocity". i had an epiphany. i felt renewed. i felt connected. with everyone. with everything. with the universe.

i sat down and blogged about it. i cried. i pontificated. it was as if i saw not just my life but all life with a new kind of awareness.

i lost the post.

i got mad. i wrote an angry little post about how much it sucked losing my wonderful mind-expanding blog. then i drank coffee and fumed. and listened to "velocity" some more.

then i said, "fuck it. i can write the blog again. it may not be the same, but it will still serve the same purpose. it will get the message out."

so i blogged again. i listened to "velocity" again. i cried again. i felt elated and expanded and centered again.

i lost the post again.

so i decided that apparently my epiphany is meant only for me. that the answers to life, the universe and everything are for me only. sorry, but i guess that's just the way it is.

but i will say this (at the risk of losing yet another post to blogger limbo): you should do everything you can to at least check out the song "velocity" by leuko. www.leuko.org or www.buttermilkrecords.com (this last one is where you can purchase the album if you don't live in the greater puget sound area). why? no, you dork, not cause the song gave me some kind of life-changing epiphany (cause lets face it, o beloved reader, i'm pretty happy with my life, and all my epiphany yesterday did was confirm that i'm doing okay doing things just the way i'm doing em right now), but because the song rocks! the music of the verses is disjointed, seemingly unfinished, and leaves you hoping for some kind of closure, like, "get to it already" while the singer softly breathes sad-sounding sentence fragments, and then suddenly the closure is achieved in the chorus as the music bursts into a beautiful, pounding riff and the singer throws his whole being into singing the simple lines of "never could take forever" and "she says 'won't you ever shine?'" but the entire album is excellent. the whole fucking thing. and you should all at least check it out.

and here is my epiphany, in a nutshell (and not carrying the weight or the pure raw emotion that it carried (twice) yesterday): we all shine. in the scope or our small circle, we make a difference. i try to shine in the lives of my children and my wife. i may never be famous. but behind me i will have left people who have felt my presence. just by being myself.

i know, it sounds almost dumb just printed out in those six succinct sentences. but yesterday it was like my mind was wide open to love and laughter and sadness and all these emotions and moments that make us human. that make your life stand out. that make my life stand out.

anyways, i will not be able to recapture what i was feeling, but still wanted to try and convey what you missed.

god, i hope this blog gets posted.

darth sardonic

and no, i will not become a hare krishna or a happy little christian or anything like that just because yesterday a song made me feel connected to the universe. i'm still darth sardonic. i'm still a wise-ass. i still refer to myself as a "whiny crybaby bitch" an hour after the crying has stopped. i'm on the upswing of the emotional rollercoaster, and within a week, i will be in here pissing and moaning as usual, cause i will then be on the low end. that's just how it works, kids.

2 Comments:

Blogger Mother Hoodlum said...

I think every now and then we all hit strange little epiphanies as such, and never really are able to express it to the outside world. Perhaps this is why most philosophers end up in the nutter house. I understand yours, though, and find it lovely. Although sometimes I feel there's no shining or hope, it's enough to know that someone does, somewhere in the world, and perhaps that's all the hope anyone really needs. Nicely put, thanks for writing that!
Note: Sorry I've been one dick of a friend lately, life is chaos here.

10:40 AM  
Blogger nicoshellee said...

wow love it!!! me have not been blogging. life has not been very exciting. just kids, house work, etc.... anyway i keep reading your blog when i can and love it.

7:27 PM  

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