Monday, February 28, 2005

school...and other sundries

i'm so proud of no. 1.

but even as i type these words, my eyes are welling up, and there's an unforgiving lump of sandpaper in my throat.

today is no. 1's first day of school.

my wife got permission to go to work late so that we could both be there to get him on the bus. we expected tantrums or freaking out, something. not at all. he got right on the bus, he waved from the window. he didn't even miss his blankie or his binkie (pacifier). he's a supertrooper.

i am a fucking wreck. is it stupid? of course it fucking is. i should be happy. a couple hours sans no. 1, some time to spend with no. 2 one-on-one, the fact that he got on the bus and off to school without any catastrophies. i should be dancing a jig right now. but i'm all conflicted.

i want my kids to grow up, be self-assured, confident, tackle new situations head-on. but obviously that is a big fat load of shit, cause when it comes right down to it, i'm sitting here crying cause he isn't here with me, watching cartoons and getting into shit.

is it so fucking hard to let go? am i going to do this every time he does something new? is it normal? is it fucking normal to feel the way i do?

i suppose so. but i sure hope i'm over it by tomorrow, as i'd really hate to be crying by the street in front of my neighbors every day that he goes to school. i seriously need to grow a pair of nads.

and just so this post isn't a complete downer, let me tell you why lakewood was designed by crack whores (see: on the road...)

yesterday, when i was driving, i was going down onyx. i passed onyx ct. a block or two later, i was on the corner of onyx and onyx.

i was driving down zircon. i came to the corner of zircon and zircon (more appropriately, i had to make a left turn from zircon to be on zircon!)

i was trying to find an address on 76th. there are four chunks of 76th in a two-mile radius. so i call the guy to ask him which chunk of 76th he lives off of. he tells me to make a right turn on 95th. well, i make a right turn onto the wrong chunk of 95th (there are four chunks of 95th in the same area as well), and continue to be lost. i had to call him back again, and he talked me through the last few blocks to his house.

okay, not the funniest stuff maybe, but i am trying to pretend it's business as usual here at the sardonic household.

but i really am proud of no. 1. just not very proud of myself.


Blogger Mme. A. said...

I understand you. I feel that way about my sister -- given that I don't have children yet -- but it's completely understandable. It doesn't matter. When you care about someone, you are, you have to be, egotistical. You want that person to yourself, even if in your rational mind you know that you have to let him go out with his own little feet and see the world for himself. But deep inside, you want to keep him safe at home, where nothing can harm him. Just like what happened with my dad. He was ran over by a car when he was at his mother's wake. (yeah, very tragic, but I'm over it now... long, long time ago...) If he had survived, he would be vegetating in a bed. On the rational side, I know that it was better to everybody that he died. He was young and cheerful and if he had a conscience while lying there, immobile, he would be hating it. And we would be suffering by having to care about him and not getting any response, nothing. But at the same time, he was my dad, god damn it. He was my protection. Even if he stayed on the bed and just did nothing, he would still be my dad and in my mind, nothing would harm me, because he was there.

I don't know if I made much sense here, but what I know is that I understand you. And you know that this is not the first time you're going to feel like this. They are growing up. Lots of untangling from your loving arms and hands until they get married and become dads/moms themselves.

Take care.

8:22 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

my father was killed almost ten years ago in a robbery attempt. read my post "in memoriam" to find out more about that.

and as for me, i'll be fine.

darth sardonic

8:38 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home