Sunday, April 17, 2005

side effects

are you tired all the time? or maybe you can't sleep? do you suffer from a feeling you can't really explain? are you happy sometimes and sad others? do some people make you feel good about yourself while others make you want to bash their face in? do you eat, even if it is only occasionally? these are all symptoms of something doctors refer to as the human condition. ask your doctor about our drug to counteract the effects of the human condition.

side effects may include: dizziness, drowsiness, headache, mild fever, insomnia, heart palpitations, diarrhea, constipation, urinary tract infections, seizures, cold chills, constipation, temporary and/or permanent blindness, cough, itchy eyes, watery nose, loss of feeling in fingertips, kidney failure, liver failure, heart failure, insanity, feelings of emptiness, melancholy, suicidal tendencies, decreased libido, increased appetite, in clinical studies the most common side effect was death.

you should not take if: you are a woman who is pregnant or may become pregnant, or who dreams of becoming pregnant, or who ever dreamed of becoming pregnant, or ever held a baby. if you recently gave up alcohol or sedatives, or have ever entered a bar. if you have liver problems or kidney problems, or if you have a liver or a kidney. if you have ever been in love. if you have ever taken a cab. if you are depressed, repressed, or easily excitable. while driving or operating heavy machinery. if your immune system is compromised due to an illness, such as hiv. if you have an enlarged prostate. if you smile. if you frown. if you belong to the species homo sapien.

don't do drugs, kids, unless you're prescribed them by your doctor and the pharmaceutical company profits. and if we haven't found a drug for you yet, hang on, we're working on it.


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