Friday, April 01, 2005

varying degrees of randomness...

okay, so i watched hellraiser for the first time last night (yes, in some ways i retain my gargantuan dorkiness--and i'm proud of that) and ladies and genitals, it sucked ass!!

i would like to get together a few of my more sarcastic and witty friends, pass around drinks, and do an mst3k on that one, cause i was cranking them out last night.

my wife said this movie was fairly groundbreaking when it came out, and maybe if i had watched it in the late eighties instead of waiting almost 20 years, then i would've enjoyed it more. but lets face it, this movie wasn't really that good.

here's why: ok, first of all, the dumb little bitch they got to play the teenage girl, has she done anything (other than sequels) since hellraiser? cause she spends the whole movie screaming, crying, and looking worried. that's it. finito. i could fucking do that, and more convincingly. second, the woman that's supposed to be luring men to their death with sex is just plain hideous. okay, i mean you've got this weird fucking guy who is a crazy sex maniac in his late 20's, and he chooses this lady who looks a little like a 50-year-old david bowie in drag (no, wait, scratch that. cause if i had to choose between sex with david bowie in drag and this chick for eternity, well, dave, i hope you like middle-aged guys with goatees and glasses) to be his sex goddess? alarm bells are ringing, willy. and absolutely every character in this movie seems unreal, stilted, and lacking in real human emotion and interaction. i've read a few books by clive barker, some of which weren't made into movies, and this is a running theme with him. i mean, i am not publishing tons of books, or getting movie deals, but every character he writes seems a little lacking, a little off. and not in a cool david lynch kind of way, but in a "ho hum i don't really wanna take the time to fill this character out" kind of way. when the dad tears his hand on a nail taking a bed upstairs, he doesn't cuss, or kick the wall, or scream and then go downstairs to clean himself up and get a bandaid. he stumbles around like he's had too many margaritas, calling for his wife in a choked voice, and goggling his eyes like it's some kind of vaudeville act instead of a horror movie. if i had a buck for every time i've torn myself open, i could produce porn movies, and i have never acted like this guy. and he never figures out that something extremely odd is going on in his house. they should've just shot him in the back of the head in the opening scene, it would've been less painful. then the uncle's only motivation is pain and sex. whoopdedoo. the wife's only motivation is sex with the freaky uncle. or love, sort of, i guess. i mean they never really present me with a reason for understanding why she would have any interest in this guy at all. then why would the girl open up some "toy" that the freaky skinless uncle really wanted? and more importantly, why, after seeing the gooey freaky skinless uncle, did she not do what all normal people would do, namely, puke, piss her pants, and pass out, only to wake up in a mental institution? anyways, so crap. crap crap crap.

in other news, i have a female neighbor across the street who i have never met and don't know but with whom i have a smiling-and-waving-and-shouting-out-good-morning relationship with. let me splain. no, no, there is too much. let me sum up.

since no. 1 has started school, i apparently am getting him on and off the bus at the same time that the across-the-way neighbor lady is loading her kids into and out of her van. i spose it started off innocently enough, nodding hello. for my part, this is as far as i would go without actually having some kind of conversation with one of my neighbors (i met my neighbors, j and n, because i have a millenium falcon hanging off of my rearview, and turns out j is a freaky star wars fan too). i know my other next door neighbors' names, and i have talked to them once or twice, and still haven't progressed passed nodding hello to them when i pass.

but after a couple of nods, the atw neighbor lady added a smile. a big, dimple-inducing smile. umm, okay. after a week or two, she added a verbal "hello". alright. then a wave. not an open-palmed fingers-splayed wave, or a cursory karate-chop-over-the-shoulder forrest gump model (my personal favorite for using with people i know only casually), but an almost coy oliver hardy finger-curl wave, which eventually graduated to a more grown up wave, but progressed quickly to the arm-up drowning person wave, with a loud "good morning!" added in for good measure.

i must admit, i am completely fascinated. this particular species of homo sapiens' behavior in their natural habit is as foreign to me as tax accounting. i'm not sure if she's just super nice, or if she's working up to inviting me over for coffee laced with rufies followed by a little of the old "my-hubby's- gone-alot". admittedly, i watch alot of porn, where you can't enter a diner/airplane/car/submarine without ending up in an orgy within five minutes, so the latter coffee and "discrete visits" is probably the furthest thing from her mind. but i am certainly a little piqued to find out what her motivation is. so for now, i continue waving a little self-conciously, and trying to figure out why a guy smoking and waiting for a school bus would warrant so much attention. she's probably just a week or two away from asking me if i have accepted jesus as my personal savior.

anyways, that's what's on my plate for today. now i must mentally prepare myself to spend five hours lost in lakewood.

darth sardonic


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