Monday, May 09, 2005

learn to speak korean

learn to speak korean: why? because while we're dicking around in iraq (and coming soon, iran) for the next few generations, kim jong il is amassing and testing nuclear weapons. so at the very least, you're going to need to know how to say "i will do whatever you say" (or "fuck off and shoot me, prick!" if you're one of those "from my cold, dead hands" motherfuckers) and "why, yes, i would love some more kim chee. thank you." and a sidenote, the koreans are some tough motherfuckers (i know, i'm married to one), so it's not gonna be like some of the other wars we've had lately. it'll be like when we had to drop the bomb on japan to get them to leave world war II, only it'll be like they could bomb us back. least we won't have to worry about the social security problem, we'll all drop dead busting our asses in a rice paddy. for me personally, i'm just gonna find the nearest mushroom cloud and get under it. the new cold war brought to you by george w. bush. just something to add to the things that keep you up at night.

recently, i saw a bumper sticker that said, "jesus is god, read the bible". first off, the bible says jesus is the son of god. he is a perfect being, and the savior of the world (if you agree with the bible), but not technically God. cause it is impossible to be your own father. yes, i know the Lord works in mysterious ways, but fucking come on! so i'd like to offer some other bumper sticker ideas: "allah is god, read the koran", or "jesus is a nice guy, but not the messiah, read the kabbala" or "vishnu is one of the gods, read the bahatvahavaghita(yes, i'm completely convinced i killed the spelling on that one!)" or my personal favorite: "darth sardonic is god, read". cause honestly, o beloved readers and droogs of mine, if all these people who don't believe in jesus could be so easily swayed by reading the bible, then i guess the christians wouldn't want 'em, cause they could just as easily read w.s. burroughs and decide they're queer or a junky, right? am i right? btw, feel free to post me your own bumper sticker ideas in a similar vein, but no "(insert name) is god, read (insert name)", cause i already thought of that, and while imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, that would just be thievery.

also, one of the local casinos has an add for a big upcoming boxing match, and in the add they say "mano y mano", which always conjures pictures in my head of two tough, burly bastards in boxer shorts and boots skipping down a lane and holding flowers and holding hands and looking lovingly into each other's eyes. cause you see, mano Y mano means hand IN hand, like i might do with my wife as we take a walk, or as two girls might've done on a walk in the park in the victorian era. mano A mano means "hand TO hand" as in combat. you think a largish casino might have at least one person on staff who spoke spanish and could tell them they were making a huge mistake?

and wouldn't you say it's time we should bring the troops home? i mean the war is over (it has been over like, what, five times?), we've been training their cops for at least a year. they've got a constitution and their own government. the suicide bombers will never stop. never. ever. it is the middle east, and suicide bombing has been going on as long as there have been people and bombs there. so the only reason i can see for leaving our troops over there is so they have other targets to blow up. and let's face it, we're never getting bin laden, we've been at it for how long? bring em home w, we're ready to let this big fiasco go, and maybe spend a little time concentrating on north korea, while their is still time.

just a thought.

darth sardonic


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