Tuesday, April 19, 2005


my wife watched fucking supernanny the other night while i was lost in lakewood. someone really should smack that bitch in the back of the head with a shovel. not because she's annoying, or whatever, but because she's fucking right! but i already spend so much time feeling like a semishitty dad, and now we have added new shit for me to feel guilty about.

so, one of the things that my wife says that the supernanny suggests is that we come up with some kind of schedule. here is my submission for a schedule:

7:00-ish (it should be noted here that all these times are ish. i don't want to do anything so fucking structured that i have exact times to accomplish stuff by)-get up.

7:05-get up

7:07-get up. for real this time.

stagger around scratching crotch, ass, and head (not necessarily in that order, and not with the same hand) for about five minutes. try to remember something important...

7:12-remember important thing--coffee!!

make coffee. stare blearily at coffeemaker while sound grows inside head.

7:20-identify sound--infantile whining.

drag body to source of sound--no. 2 trapped in crib.

7:22-get no. 1 ready for school. explain for the nth time that we are not taking the car to school and that he will ride the bus.

7:31-get no. 1 on bus.

7:32-breathe huge sigh of relief.

drink copious amounts of java while no. 2 makes noises that are the sonal equivalent of jamming shards of broken glass into exposed gray matter.

7:34-scratch ass some more, for good measure.

spend several hours in favorite chair in semicatatonic state. drool on self.

10:30-miraculously, no. 2 is asleep. go outside to meet bus early, cigarette in hand. suck down cigarette like life depends on it (it very well may). get no. 1 off bus.

11:00-eat lunch. think about taking walk. no. 2 is still sleeping. no. 1 is on verge of throwing melt-down tantrum for inexplicable reason. say, "fuck the walk."

11:01-think about walk again. tell self that it should really take walk, that walk would do the body good. say, "fuck walk, fuck body, fuck you."

11:02-last-ditch attempt at walk. "you really should take-" inner voice is squashed like bug.

several more hours in chair in semicatatonic state. add to semicatatonic state feeling of exhaustion combined with depression at having to go to work when wife gets home. more coffee. feel soul being sucked away by kids.

3:00-shave, shower. put on khakis and docs.

sit in chair. think of things that should have accomplished during day. think about what was actually accomplished (nothing), think, "at least kids are still alive". beg kids to leave alone for a little while so that proper frame of mind for work can be formulated. realize there is no proper frame of mind for work.

4:25-put leuko in stereo. play "velocity". notice no. 1 beginning to mosh. notice no. 2 attempting to mosh as well. join kids in moshing for five minutes. laugh. act goofy. universe is reset.

4:30-wife arrives home. say "how was your day honey?" say, "mine was fine." kiss wife. leave for work.

spend five hours lost in lakewood. return home with free pizza, pocket cash, and splitting headache.



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