Thursday, October 18, 2007

returning to funny

when i can, i try not to linger too long on the downer posts. mostly, i was in a good mood yesterday, but that whole chernobyl thing really impacted me, and i really needed to get it off my chest and out into the world.

so, today, a couple of anecdotes about things i never guessed i would have to deal with as a stay-home parent:

1) this happened some time ago. my wife has a toy. ummm, you know, a toy. it is one of those relatively realistic ones. it resides in the top drawer of the nightstand, where most ladies seem to keep their toys. the top drawer is big, and also holds my belts and watches and other acoutrements that i need to attire myself for the day.

on this particular occasion, i am getting something out of the top drawer, and it is open, and i suddenly hear no. 1 behind me: "oh no, daddy!!"

"hey, what?"

"your pee! it is broken! oh no, daddy, can you fix it?"

"my what?"

"your pee! did you break your pee?"

i realize what he is talking about. i simultaneously pick up on the massive amount of worry that is painted clearly across his face: it is as if i can hear his brain saying, "if daddy's pee can fall off, will mine someday? and can that be fixed?"

"it is not my pee, and my pee is not broken and what the hell are you doing in my room anyways? go on."

i didn't share this story with anyone, even my wife, for a very long time. honestly, i was a bit embarassed that no. 1 had managed to see my wife's toy while i was completely unawares. then the other night, we were sharing kid/adult toy stories, and it just kinda came out.

my wife laughed louder and longer than anyone else. not sure what i had been worried about all this time. (she is also the one that suggested i should post about it here. and the story is probably funnier when i tell it in person because i tend to act out both parts with facial expressions and such, but you get the idea.)

2) yesterday, i am getting dressed, and hear no. 1 go into the potty (and by hear, i mean he announces loudly that he needs to go potty as he is running into the bathroom and pulling down his pants at the same time). after a few moments, i hear him say, "daddy, the poop is stuck on me."

"stuck on you how?"

"stuck on me."

"stuck on your bum? or did you get some on your hand? what?"

"stuck on my bum."

"use some toilet paper and get it off." (you may or may not already have an idea of what is to come, but let me just say right here, before we go any further, that i have never pretended to be the quickest at the draw.)

"i can't, daddy. i need your help."

"man! ok, let me see if i can help."

so, one shoe on and one off i go in there.

no one could've prepared me for what i saw, and if they had tried, i woulda said, "bulllllllshit!"

there is about a foot of string hanging from no. 1's bum.

"is that in your bum, or just stuck to it?" i ask, with my eyes popping and my brain reeling.

"in my bum, daddy."

oh fuck no. i think, no fucking way. i didn't sign up for this. i have been puked on. i have been pissed on. i have been shit on. pulling fucking string from my kid's backside was NOT part of the deal.

what can you do, o my droogs and only friends, my beloved tireless shaking-your-head-in-barely-disguised-disgust-and-humor-whilst-pointing-your-finger-at-me non-existant readers?

i grabbed a large amount of facial tissue, and set to work.

after i had about three feet of string, i think it broke off, much to no. 1's relief. we had a long discussion about eating foreign objects in general, and specifically string.

then i searched the internet for anything i might further be able to do to aid in the permanent removal of remaining string.

i found a vast plethera of help. if it was a cat or dog instead of my kid. i finally found one site that said chances were good that if it had made it this far, it would pass on its own.

i just hope i don't have to help it anymore.

darth sardonic

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Blogger BSkove, Publisher said...

excellent stuff.

5:04 PM  
Blogger jenny said...

Thanks for the laugh!! I hadn't been by in awhile, being busy at the store, but I sure am glad I came by tonight!! What a post! I can always count on you for something special! LOL!!

8:30 PM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

LOL I uh... no I .... can't stop.....laughing too hard.....

Your pee is broken? PLEASE may I steal that story? Your children are brilliant!

9:52 PM  
Blogger Blogget Jones said...

Okay, that was effing HILARIOUS, beginning to...uhm...end.

And as a mom who used to be at home with little ones, I can completely sympathize. Having kids opens a whole new world of gross things you HAVE to do, that never ever would have entered your brain as a possibility.

Good for you, brave dad.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Krissie said...

Ahahahahahahahahaha! *rib cracked*

And that is what I singed up for.

Btw, do take care of your pee cuz I don't think it can be fixed once it's broken.

12:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That made me laugh and feel very knowing... lol!

4:38 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

The things we do for love.....
And would certainly rather not do!!!

1:46 AM  
Blogger Mme. A. said...

This is one of the funniest things I've ever read here. I even showed it to my husband, because, you know, the part about the broken pee thingie, it could happen to him, so I'm getting him ready for whatever may come his way.

It's so funny. Many times I've pictured myself in that situation and tried to wonder what I would tell my children (if I had any) if they found whatever toy was lying in the drawer.

And I could never picture that story, not that one. It was too creative, even for my very, very, very imaginative mind.

Ha. Your kids are brilliant.


7:13 AM  

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