Friday, October 12, 2007

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst...

Are you going to drop the bomb or not?

ever start a post and get about ten lines into and decide it sucks ass and you have no real point an no one really would want to read what you have written and delete it all and ask if anyone has ever done that before?

yeah, me neither.

there are times where the line "Kathy, I'm lost," I said, though I knew she was sleeping/I'm empty and aching and I don't know why makes perfect and complete sense to me for reasons that are beyond my ability to understand.

i have conditioned myself, in the course of my existance, when i am not sure of how something is going to turn out, to hope for the best and expect the worst. this is kind of a candide pansy way out, i realize, but i look at it like this:

if i am expecting the worst case scenario, i am prepared then for that to happen. if anything less than worst case occurs, i am pleasantly surprised.

i am still concerned for my two friends and their situations. i still feel helpless, and i wonder if my repeated attempts to find out how they're doing or what is going on is only making matters worse for them, or maybe coming across as creepy, or god know's what.

so i begin just assuming the worst. and what is funny is the other side of my head, the one that usually plays bastard, will actually pipe up with, "now why would you think that? you have no reason to believe that things have gone that far." that stupid "other voice" in my head likes just playing devil's advocate, i think. he is just gonna pick the opposite of whatever the majority of my gray matter is going for.

i am tired, the kids have the day off from school, and i have to work later. i've no idea why i would be so grumpy...

yeah, my lack of inspiration and motivation continues. maybe it's the season change, lots of gray skies here. maybe it's lack of sleep, although that really has just become the norm under which i function, so not sure there. maybe (most likely), it is just the rotation upon which i spin. fun and laughs and smartass remarks all cleverly tied together, followed by the funk and trying to just plow through the day and put on my best face.

who knows?

i sure don't.

darth sardonic

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Blogger Pixie said...

You sound really down hun,and knackered.
Sounds like you need to do something really, really nice for yourself.
And know that if your friends have pressed the self destruct button, there's not too much you can do except be there to help pick up the pieces eventually! As all good friends should.
Take care.

2:46 AM  
Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

Hope you are feeling up again soon. Kids are tiring and even dispiriting sometimes!

12:09 PM  
Blogger Snuffleupagus said...

Chin up!

2:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've relocated.


2:38 PM  

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