Tuesday, October 02, 2007

a knot...

i wish i could say this one is fiction...

"use your brain! don't be dumb!!"

as soon as i can, i escape to the woods behind the house, my eyes afire, my brain buzzing like a shaken beehive.

i'm not sure i am going to measure up. it seems impossible. it's so vast. maybe everyone would just be better off if i wasn't around...

i toy with the idea of running away, but ultimately know i wouldn't last long, that they would chase me down and bring me home, if for no other reason than to keep the neighbors from talking. i wish i could dive in front of a car to save someone, go out a hero, in a blaze of glory. leave everyone talking about what a nice kid i was...

i am alone. i can't even feel god looking in my direction. the universe is a big empty space that seeks to engulf me, swallow me whole.

maybe everyone would just be happier if i was gone...

there is the rope swing.

it would be so easy. it will be over. everyone will forget me quickly, and their lives will be better, and i will be happy knowing that everyone is better off...

i pull the rope up to the upper level where we get on the swing. i wrap it around my neck. it never crosses my mind that people will miss me. it never enters my thoughts the tears that will be shed, the hearts that will break, the pain and anguish this instant will cause. my only thought is that everyone will be happy. that i will have caused this happiness with this one quick, smooth action.

i swing.

i wish i could say that the spirits of my grandparents called out to me. i wish i could say my unborn children screamed within my mind "no!" i wish i could say that god gave me an instant flash of how important i am. i wish i could say that the eternal ripples of this one hanging moment all became clear to me and i was cured of my desire to leave this existance a better place through my absence...

oh fuck this hurts so MUCH!!

i dig my fingers into the small space between my neck and the rope with one hand, reaching up with the other to hold my body weight against the rope, support myself on the swing.

somehow, feet so far from the earth, i manage to extricate myself from the rope, and fall gasping to the ground.

i wish i could say i was better. i wish i could say i never thought of doing something like this again. i wish i could say that i realized how stupid it was, how important i was, how much so many people loved me. i wish i could say i never thought how much better the world would be without me again.

it took years. years of wondering why i am still here. wondering why i was still slogging through all the shit. of thinking how quick, how easy it would be...

while i still cry at movies like donnie darko and the butterfly effect, and oddly understand the thinking that would go behind that kind of thing, i am glad to be here. for the spirits of my grandparents. the spirit of my father. for my children. for my wife. for my mom. for my many friends. for mortgages and car payments and meetings with school counselors and all-stars and tom collins and lawn-mowing and puking my guts out in a tropicana bathroom and pizza deliveries and the opportunity that i have to do all these things, however stupid or mundane or ridiculous or unnecessary they seem.

i am glad to be here.

darth sardonic

(o my beloved non-existant readers, i have to apologize, but for whatever reason i needed to get this out of my system today. i know it probably wasn't an easy read for anyone. life isn't always easy, as we all know. but it is life, and i love it in all its forms. thanks for toughing it out with me.)

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8 Comments:

Blogger Blogget Jones said...

You know, it's brave of you to put all this out here, with all the raw emotion it represents. I'm glad of this particular failure....the world would be a worse place without you.

I hope everyone who reads it remembers it, and that it has a ripple effect of helping people out there.

Thanks :o)

11:48 AM  
Blogger Krissie said...

I feel like that almost every day. I've been feeling like that for the last 10 years.
Hopefully some day I'll be where you are now. Thank you for letting me in, for letting me know I'm not the only one.

2:40 PM  
Blogger jenny said...

I am glad the pain of the rope brought you back to your senses. 2 of my friends hung themselves and they left behind a huge void in so many lives. I think we all, at one point, felt hopeless and wanted to end it. I did once, and I even tried to slice my wrists open, and at the first swipe, "OW!" Ok, maybe not. I sure am glad I am still here, and I am glad you are still here too.

Thanks for the award! I'll post it when the craziness settles down. :o)

8:18 PM  
Blogger Bel said...

I know the feelings you've described, but luckily I got out of those before I seriously started considering doing anything about it (it was postnatal depression). My husband lives with emotions like these every day, but he has learnt to cope and has found happiness like you apparently have. Unfortunately, 'cope' is the keyword.
I hope that the balance you have attained will persevere.

1:47 AM  
Blogger zirelda said...

Here at work yesterday I watched a dvd on depression and suicide with one of the therapists. Interesting little movie. About halfway through I thought about asking her if it's normal to imagine putting a gun in one's mouth now and again. I stopped myself.

My question is now answered. Thank you.

6:56 AM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

Good man. It takes so much courage to soldier on when you are feeling as you described. I think, that like Krissie said, there are other out there who will be glad to know they are not alone.

Good man.

9:58 AM  
Blogger Mme. A. said...

I have contemplated suicide many times. I can't really say the reason, because there's not really one, there is just the idea. And how easy it would be for everyone. (In my thoughts. Don't know if it would be easy or not. I'm not them, they are not me...)

I spent a long time depressed. Especially when I arrived back in Brazil, when I realized that I had to let go of so many things that I actually liked. I was completely down for almost two years. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't get me out of bed. I couldn't make myself get out of the house to do something. Anything. I slept most of the time, cried all the time.

Suicide comes and goes. And comes also when I'm happy, when I can say that I wouldn't even remember that once in my life I was really depressed. But the feeling exists.

It's sad to say, but I probably haven't killed myself because I haven't got the guts to do it. I've thought about knives and how much they would hurt. About the lack of guns everywhere around me. I've thought of painkillers, but then again, where to get them? (I'm not a very resourceful person in that matter...) and so on and so on. I've sat many times on the rooftops of buildings, looking down. Down, down, down. Then I would just get out of there, angry at myself for not really doing it.

I definitely hope it does not happen anymore. I feel so desperate when it does. Especially because it's nobody's fault. My husband is wonderful, I've got my own place, I'm making enough money, I'm happy. I'm even losing weight again.

So, I don't know. I guess I was born with this thing. Maybe it's in the genes.

(Thank you for dropping by. Now that I'm going to start spending more time at home, probably I'll be able to come here every now and then and comment on your blog. By the way, you look so different in this new photo. Almost didn't recognize you...)

XOXO

7:26 PM  
Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

Yikes. Glad you had the strength to pull yourself up! Keep hold of that strength eh?

10:39 PM  

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