Monday, September 06, 2004

just after dawn, labor day

yes, i am up already. i have been up for a bit. i was up before that, and again before that. my body hasn't figured out it's awake yet. my eyes keep trying to droop, and my tear ducts are still cranking out tears in an attempt to keep my eyeballs lubed up, but all it does is pool in the corners and become crusty.

no. 1 is awake, though lethargic. he may fall asleep on the floor at any moment, so his nap time will be shot. no. 2 is asleep in his swing. he oughta be, he got only slightly more sleep than i did last night.

no. 1 (who is now officially three and not just rounded-up three) got a megablocks train from his grammy. he loves trains. he plays with it incessantly. which would be fine, except that the cars come apart, and he brings them to me to put back together. over and over. this morning he is actually purposefully pulling them apart right after i put them together, and handing them back to me. it's like some kind of test without instructions, meted out by a half-pint teacher who apparently thinks i'm an idiot. i agree in so many ways...

last night i dreamt i said "fuck" in front of my late father. he started to get that look, and say something, and i leaned in close and hissed in his ear through clenched teeth, "you can't tell me what to do anymore. you are no longer in a position. i am my own person, i am grown-up, with kids of my own, and i don't need your guidance." he looked a little crushed and hurt, but a little like he had been expecting it for a long time. that's the only part of the dream i remember. (oh, and ironing an old naval uniform for a grandfather i don't have.)

i am a loser. i feel like i want to run, screaming and naked, from this house. i want to find a sun-drenched field of waist-high grass and flowers like you see in the movies, and lay down in it and watch the clouds make shapes for hours. i want to be away from people for awhile. i want to wrestle with my own demons for an hour, then tell them thanks, and see you next week, same time, same bad channel, heh, heh, that joke never gets old.

i feel worn-out, tired, empty. i feel like my purpose here is hidden. "i used to be somebody". i click on "skinny puppy" in my favorites and surf the others who have listed it as one of their favorite bands, because it's nice to see that i'm not alone in remembering this band from some ten years ago. but i feel increasingly like the guy who lives more in the past. not in the sense of my children and my family, but in who i am, what i remember, what is important to me. i am old before my time.

well, i will lay off the pissing and moaning for now(stay-tuned tomorrow, kids, when uncle darth says "give me five fucking minutes of peace!!") in other news, went out with my old high school buddy s last night as he went to get his first tat. came back home and watched "in america" with my wife. i recommend it to anyone who doesn't bawl as much as i do at happy/sad movies. it was good, just made me blubber like a little baby. today we will go to s's b-day party, and hopefully my kids will behave and i will be able to enjoy myself, maybe drink something with alcohol in it, laugh, get myself out of this funk in which i currently reside.

i also added a photo to my blog. it was really more of my wife's idea. i kind of felt like the old adage "it is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt" could be reconfigured to say, "it is better to write and be thought a big dork, than to post a pic and remove all doubt", but hey. we had a hard time finding one i thought was decent. so now you all know what i look like, and yes, i am as colossal a doofus as i portray myself in my blog.

darth sardonic


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