Tuesday, May 17, 2005

more nonsequitors for the common man...

in the last three days, i have dropped a toy on my foot, putting a nasty blood clot in the middle of the moon on my right big toe, stepped on a different toy, cutting a toe on the same foot and spending an hour or two limping, and dropped a sippy cup on the other foot, which hurt, but didn't do any permanent damage. wtf? my poor bastard feet, so mistreated.

there are an amazing amount of socks that come up single every time i do the laundry. am i doing laundry for someone who has only one ped?

i just got off the phone with my wife, to whom i admitted i may have found another bass project on ebay that i would like, that i am going to watch (along with wanting to trade in one of my four-strings on a five-string), and she started saying "mm hmm. mm hmm." and not the "mm hmm" like "oh, how interesting." but the "mm hmm" like i can hear her hands balled-up in fists on her hips and her toe tapping. so i tell her. then she gets her boss involved, saying, "are my hands on my hips or my toe tapping?" to which her boss replies, "does eye-rolling count?" and i say, "exactly!" and of course i reminded her that there is a whole gaggle of bettie page shit. i am an ebay whore. even if i don't buy anything, i look at stuff almost daily. which reminds me, i need to check out star wars cards and heavy metal magazines. i can hear my wife in the back of my head saying, "oh my god"

my kids are boycotting naps. which means i am boycotting listening to them whine and cry.

no. 1 has a clean/folded clothes fetish. he must dump them on the floor and roll around in them and lay on them, kinda like a dog does to its bed every night. so while i was putting the clean clothes away, i locked the bedroom door. otherwise, he will dump them. (i have decided that 90% of the stuff i do around the house is a waste of time. i will fold most of the clothes twice. i will vacuum, and the kids will ask for cereal, and hey, presto! i will need to vacuum again. i will pick up toys, turn my back, and they have all been replaced with other toys.) anyways, i had to collect more clothes from the couch, and move them to the bedroom, so i locked the door (cause they have that little opening you can poke a bent hanger into to unlock from the front.) and went into the living room. now, for all of us guys who have spent long hours on the mystery of locating the g-spot, or the clitoris (i now know where both are, but you know when i was younger it was like indiana jones and the arc of the covenant--not that you really wanted to know this. who the fuck am i kidding, no one is reading this!), they have nothing on locating the exact sweet spot inside the knob for unlocking it. finding jimmy hoffa oughtta be easier. i finally got it open by pushing the coat hanger into the right spot, twisting the knob halfway one way then all the way the other, and saying the elvish word for "friend" at the same time. then lo, and behold, my bedroom was full of dwarves' dead bodies. no, wait, that was something else...

someone recently asked me if i was excited for the new star wars movie. i think it's called revenge of the ILM or something like that. anyways, i had to admit that the only thing about it i was looking forward to (besides seeing natalie portman, who has been street legal now for several years and may even be old enough to legally buy her own alcohol) was to see how george "can we cram a few hundred more effects into this shot?" lucas goes from where we left off in II, attack of the yaaawns, to a new hope, which i still think of as "the first one".

i just received in the mail a "blessed" handkerchief from some christian church in oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plains) that is sposed to grant me well-being, and health, and financial help. why didn't they just send me a check for $10,000? i bet if i was actually to read into it further, i'm expected to send some kind of donation or some shit. if i send you money, that will help my financial situation? interesting...

i have gone ahead and installed a telescreen in my house, cause i am sure that dubya is big brother. i suggest, if you don't wanna get beat up by the thought police, you do the same.

in a related story, check out rick's latest post. he puts a quote by dwight d. eisenhower (or maybe it was harry s. truman, i forget already) in there that seems almost like a scary prophecy about dubya. god, how i wish that grenade would've gone off... if we can just survive a few more years.

anyways, all of you out there in nonexistant reader-land, take care of yourselves, and each other. someone's gotta, and you know the government and the christians won't.

darth sardonic


Blogger Mother Hoodlum said...

Honestly, being a woman, when you are coming of a 'certain age', trying to find those spots is ten times harder, and ten times more humiliating as you screech in your head "C'mon, this is my own friggin' plumbing!"
Rick looks at stuff on ebay all the time, which of course probably causes me to perform the same irritation dance your wifey does. So then I type in Nightmare Before Christmas and watch his eyes roll into the back of his head. Mwahahaha

10:50 PM  

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