Thursday, June 22, 2006

i write fiction, too

Across the Wastelands he came, from a land where the people worship the Almighty Doll R. From a land where they eat peetsah, and drink goffi. A land of corruption, lies, and convenience.

Princess Linda (Leia was already taken) was queen of the Land of Innocence and Purity. The Lawn Gnome kneeling before her told a sad tale of the wicked P. D. Gai who had entered the outer limits of her kingdom and was speeding towards her castle in his red vehicle, strewing Pole Ewshun and Lowd Mewsick and Zarchasm about him as he passed.

"It's horrible, Your Highness. His vehicle is so noisy and fast and reeks of peetsah. The Mermaid Lake is already getting icky, and the Unicorn Plains are drying up and getting brown."

"I'll will ride forth to confront this P.D. Gai in battle." Princess Linda said, with a noble toss of her head.

She retrieved her Magic Sword from it place next to her throne, and called forth her steed, Schwartz. Schwartz was the fastest horse in all the land, and since he was stuffed, he never tired.

"Ride, Schwartz, ride! We go to meet our foe in battle!"

"Geez," said Schwartz, "so melodramatic."

"It is a Children's Fantasy story, silly. Haven't you ever read The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe?"

"Still. Is it really necessary to be this over-the-top?"

"Yes, Schwartz, it is."

And so Schwartz and Princess Linda galloped across the Unicorn Plains, Princess Linda's wavy curly tresses flowing in the breeze behind her like a curtain, Magic Sword drawn and ready.

And there before them, casting up a large dust cloud filled with goffi cups and peetsah boxes, heading directly at them, was P.D. Gai in his Apocalyptic Vehicle.

The two enemies stopped, and dismounted.

"You're pretty short for a Princess." sneered P.D. Gai.

"I am strong with Imagination (The Force was already taken, sheesh), and I have a Magic Sword."

"I don't give two whistles for your stupid sword. I'm afraid of neither Death nor Pain." and the wicked P.D. Gai tilted back his head and laughed a laugh filled with Suffering and Self-Deprecation.

"This sword will cause you neither Death nor Pain, my worthy Adversary. It will simply remove your Zarchasm."

P.D. Gai's eyes narrowed to slits, and he hissed, "You wouldn't dare."

And Princess Linda pointed the tip of the Magic Sword at P.D. Gai and said a magical incantation (which, I am sure, is also copyrighted, so I won't repeat it here), and lightning bolts shot from the tip of the Sword, and engulfed P.D. Gai in flames.

He cried, and screamed, and writhed in pain. And when the flames were gone, P.D. Gai was a new man.

He asked Princess Linda if he could stay in the Land of Innocence and Purity, and in a grand act of Forgiveness and Magnanimosity, she agreed. And he lives here still, to this day. Granted, he's not much good to us anymore. He shambles fairly slowly, and drools on himself alot, but he no longers makes smart comments, and he's pretty handy with a broom.

(and this would probably be longer and more involved if i wasn't writing it in a blog)

darth sardonic

1 Comments:

Blogger Courtney said...

I'm speechless...but only because I can't catch my breath from laughing too hard. I absofuckinlutely loved this. I didn't want it to end. I laughed, I cried...jk. Here's to hoping for another installment. Soon.

8:55 AM  

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