Friday, June 29, 2007

A beat up piece of Chevrolet...

Blue and white rustin' away

live from my mom's joint, orting, wa.

you know you are in a redneck town when you are standing outside the local watering hole, a parking lot full of either trucks or harleys, and you see a feller pull up in his truck, park, and dump what's left of his can of rainier out while walking across the lot. this totally feels like a jeff foxworthy joke a-brewin': you might be a redneck if you need a beer in the truck on the way to the tavern.

give me a moment to rant:

washington state, in its brilliance, made it illegal to pull in front of a semi too close. that is to say, if a cop sees you cutting off a semi, you will get a ticket. not a nebulous ticket for something like "reckless driving" but a nebulous ticket for "pulling in front of a semi too close."

so, ok. here's my issue: i've never, ever, evfuckinger seen a semi pulled off receiving a ticket for the fucked-up twisted shite i see them pulling on a near-hourly basis, as i drive. today alone, i saw the same fucking dozy coked-up sleep-deprived dim fat hell-bent-for-leather motherfucker a) cut some little car off because he had to get into the lane they were in right fucking now because he waited until the exit he wanted was right fucking there before deciding to make his lane change, and b) force someone attempting to merge with traffic to slam on their brakes and drive on the shoulder for a distance because he couldn't be arsed to either speed up or slow down, or even, for that matter, pay fucking attention to what the sweet cherry fuckstain he was doing in the first fucking place.

if i had a dollar for every time a semi truck was on my ass like a hemorrhoid, causing my anus to pucker and me to pray to the powers that be that no one in front of me cuts me off or slams on their brakes, or flipped his blinker on and came over whether or not i was going to let him, or nearly went off the motherfucking road in front of me (this happened in new mexico, driving along, doobie doo, and hey, presto, the semi in front of me goes so far onto the shoulder he kicked dust and rocks and grass up in a cloud that was almost impossible to see through) or even ran me off the road (again, new mexico, driving at midnight in the dark: the set of headlights in my rearview swerves, and moves rapidly to the side of the road and stops. these are replaced by a set of semi headlights barreling down on me like some kind of bad 70's road rage movie. i watch in horror as these headlights gain rapidly in my rearview without slowing until i, too, am forced to swerve off the road. and later, when we caught up to that addlepated doss cunt, fuck me gently with a chainsaw if there is no number to call to tell his dippy ass "how am i driving?") or saw any other number of stupidities actuated by semi trucks, i would have enough money to buy a tropical island and produce porn movies.

and i understand that these things bring me basically everything i want. i get that. i understand that we need semi trucks to move produce, lumber, metal, guitars, whatever. but we also need store clerks to sell me the shit the semis haul, and if we saw a store clerk running around the store acting the fool, and say, swinging a baseball bat around over his head, we would take that fucker down, would we not? and if it became a trend, then laws would be made against it, right?

that is all.

it is a testament of my serious lack of a life that after nearly a full week of no posting, this is really all i have for you.

hopefully more next time, heh heh.

darth sardonic

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3 Comments:

Blogger Pixie said...

You just go right ahead and tell it like it is... But for your poor confussed non exsistant UK reader I got a long way down to work out what you were ranting about.

so translation early on would be much appreciated.

Comments like go boil your head px are not requried just cause your not a happy bunny.

Your kids must be behaving themselves as well this week.

Cure for lack of life, long long walk far away from everyone muttering to yourself about how unfair it all is.
px

8:26 AM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

Baby you go right ahead and rant. Your rants are more entertaining, even if I have to use a dictionary, than most comedians best night at the club.

12:48 PM  
Blogger wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

I know exactly what you mean about semis (lorries for you UK readers). I think they're driven by sadistic psychopaths and I don't care if they have about 32 gears and slowing down means having to go through 15 of them. One of them killed a schoolmate of mine and her husband when they were (lawfully) riding their motorcycles. He'd driven through a red light. The bastard.

6:45 AM  

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