Friday, July 06, 2007

roll out those lazy hazy crazy days of summer

it's funny, how i could say something one way, and you would take it completely different than how i might mean it. for example, if i was to say:

hydrogen peroxide is wonderful for getting bloodstains out of carpet and clothing

you might reply with, "oh, fuck!"

now, if i said it like this:

the other night, no. 1 decided to sleep on the floor of his bedroom because it is a little cooler. no. 1 also gets frequent nose bleeds when it is dry and there is a high pollen count (he can't, for the life of him, keep his finger out of his nose), and sometime in the middle of the night, he got a nasty nose bleed and woke up with dried blood all over his face, blankie, and the floor. luckily, i remembered from my days as an oral maxillofacial surgery assistant that hydrogen peroxide does a fine job of breaking up the protiens that usually keep a bloodstain permanent in cloth.

then you might brush your hand shakily across your nervous brow and say, "phew."

not that the thought of killing my kids didn't cross my mind for a fleeting moment just before i threw the kitchen chair.

but i am getting ahead of myself.

the house was kind of hot on the third. on the fourth, it was damn near insufferable: a full 15 degrees hotter inside than out. this, combined with a high levels of sleep deprivation and argumentativeness in no. 1, and whininess in no. 2, resulted in what i like to refer to as the "jack nicholson/shining effect" or how a perfectly sane and normal fella could slip rapidly into the deep vaults of homicidal/suicidal insanity.

(all this is, you, the beloved non-existant readers, should probably know at this juncture, is extreeeeeeeeemely overplayed for dramatic effect.)

but no. 1 did break the dvd player we have in our bedroom whilst throwing a bit of a tantrum, then proceeded to argue with me the whole time i attempted to fix it, while no. 2 whined about not being able to watch the movie he wanted, and the in-house temperature creeped up on 95 degrees farenheit (and for my canadian and european non-existants, that is about 35 degrees centigrade) with a relative humidity of probably about 80%, and as a result the already-broken dvd player was further damaged by a rough-ish fall and my foot and its own power cord. then the kitchen chair was accidentally broken during this time (our kitchen chairs, it should be noted, are very flimsy and cheaply made), and then found itself flying across the back patio. and i am sure there was no kind of volume control on my voice at the time all this was happening, so no doubt the neighbors five blocks over knew someone was getting their ass chewed. i am, to put it plainly and frankly, one lucky motherfucker that no one called cs or the cops or anything. most likely out on the lake in a boat drinking beers and enjoying the sun while i was losing my mind.

so we loaded up the car, and left for my pals m&g's wedding early, since i figured it was cooler outside, and a bit of a breeze was blowing. and the wedding was nice. i calmed the fuck down, and the kids ran around with other kids and were able to be boys without dad fucking in their shit every split second.

the next day, i bought a ceiling fan for the boys' room (there is one in our bedroom, and it makes all the difference), and installed it, and patted myself on the back, since no one else was there to say "good job" except the boys themselves, and believe me, they did say it.

"good job, daddy, you a deneeus."

which is really all it takes sometimes. like saying,"it's cool, i forgive you." without having to actually say it and watch dad burst into tears.

i also called maintenance and found out why the house wasn't cooler and they told me what i had forgotten to do to keep the fan running without blowing warm air, and today, the living room is a few degrees warmer than outside, and the bedrooms are downright frigid. (no. 1 put on a windbreaker before falling asleep last night. he is crazy.)

the weather has been gorgeous. we went to the lake, and the boys got bronzed, and i got a little pink (it is a beautiful tan today, thank you for asking), and i got more work done on my tattoo, and the angel girl is nearly all shaded in and i suspect that after the next appointment the majority of the shading will be done, and we will near the color stages of this huge project. my mom tells everyone proudly that i designed the tat myself, and i am just too lazy to bother correcting her, or reminding her it is based on a vallejo painting that probably inspired my original idea in the first place. every time i think that the kids are going to push me right over the edge, they do something colossully cute and grown-up and lovely, and i calm a bit.

the wife is counting the days, even though she is only half done, and i have to say, so are we.

darth sardonic

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Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

Sopunds so hot and humid out your way, must be like breathing through a hot wet towel! Unlike over here in the land made of rain where it is like wearing a cold wet towel...

2:18 AM  
Blogger DJ Kirkby said...

I forgot to mention in the comments on your last post about the 'Numberjacks', do you have that show over there yet? If you think the Teletubies are bad, you'd best stock up on the perscription tranks in readiness for this show!

12:58 PM  
Blogger Snuffleupagus said...

so how many days...?

1:38 PM  
Blogger Krissie said...

hydrogen peroxide is wonderful for getting bloodstains out of carpet and clothing
Thanks for that! ;)

1:47 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

So will there be a picture of the tattoo when it is done?

great job on the fun front...

1:14 PM  
Blogger jAMiE said...

I too, would love to see a pic of your tatoo when it is done...or otherwise.

Hope it gets cooler for you and the boys.

1:56 PM  
Blogger lady macleod said...

that's WHY the universe makes babies and small children so adorable, so we don't kill them!

Keep breathing dude! too too funny.

2:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm guessing they make them so adorable or otherwise no sane person would ever consider having them.

3:00 PM  
Blogger wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Thanks for the hydrogen peroxide tip. I'll keep that one in mind. I think I would trade all our days of rain for one muggy day of yours as long as sunshine was involved. And yes, put me on the list for wanting to see a photo of the tatoo.

2:12 AM  

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