Thursday, June 19, 2008

37 today (damn i'm old)

but instead of talking about that: a rant.

my deoderant comes in three scents: they are cool mist, wooded meadow, and mountain stream (which also conjures up a tangent rant about those old brita commercials. they used to say, "what would it take to get your tap water to taste like this?" and flash up a shot of a rushing mountain stream. my reply was always: " a few tons of river rock, a smattering of algae and watercress, some trout poop, and giardia.") so apparently it is manly to smell like cold water, pine trees, and fish guts.

i never understood that. men don't wanna smell like a pine tree. i don't wanna smell like a pine tree. pine trees are pitchy and sappy. the smell of a pine tree can be downright overpowering. anything that i might put on my body that smells like pine would be like patchoulie (and oh man, is it damn near impossible to get just the right amount of patchoulie. i think i have passed maybe one or two aging hippies that had actually nailed the pleasant amount. usually i walk through a fog reminiscent of skunk class a, that continues to linger for hours after the gray ponytail and birkenstocks have moved on. i digress.), it would be virtually impossible to get a pleasant amount of it dabbed on.

it is, i guess, based on some room of suits on madison ave, manly to smell like dead cow hide and sweaty horse as well. i mean, english leather, old stetson. come on. i don't wanna smell like leather. i don't even own a leather outfit for naughty time behind closed doors with my wife. the fucking seats in my car don't smell like leather, and they are leather!

my cologne smells like alcohol. alcohol and spices. like some scent wizard combined whiskey, gin, vodka, goldschlager, and amaretto into the perfect body shot.

and that is fucking manly.

darth sardonic

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Blogger Krissie said...

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Second, damn, you smell good! LOL
This reminds me of this perfume every man including my Dad, of course, used to have when I was a kid (or as we like to refer to that period: before the war). It was called Pino Silvestre and it smelled like, you guessed it, PINE! It was the worst smell ever and I don't think he ever used but every man at that time was bound to get it for a birthday or some other occasion, and he was no exception. Ah, the childhood memories of communist country! (I'm still young enough to remember my childhood, unlike some... :) )

4:58 AM  
Blogger jenny said...

Happy Birthday, old man! ;o)

Yeah, I'm not too crazy for the piney smell either! Save that for the nature hikes, because no way is that going to get me all hot and bothered!

And those men that slather it on? Please don't. I pass out before I even see who has it on! Or worse, the guy has passed through already and you can actually follow your nose and catch his trail.

Anyway, hope you have a happy day! Seeing as how I can't drink, have one for me!

8:44 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

lmao krissie, exactly. and i can vaguely remember a few things from before i was thirty...

ty jenny, and not that i really need an excuse, but i will definitely have an extra one just for you. lol.

9:01 AM  
Blogger Lara said...

Happy birthday!

(and just what are you having an extra one of? hmmm?)


8:53 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

ty lara, i had extra tom collinses and spankings, but all that in today's post, lol.

4:39 AM  

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