Thursday, September 16, 2004

there is still hope...

i am currently reading "the green mile" by stephen king, and have already alluded to the fact that the movie is what i use to bawl all the stress and tiredness and futility and anguish out of my system.

and i have hit the part of the book where it is kicking in in full force. which is good, as my sleep has been chopped up the last few nights, since my children have colds and have been waking up numerous times in need of comforting. if i was going to pick a day when i might need a good cry, today would be the day.

but there's something more today. on "reading rainbow", which is a stunningly clever and well-written show disguised as a kid's show, they are doing a sept 11 tribute type show, and lavarr burton went to talk with the kids from a school that was so near ground zero that the students there actually had to go to other schools for awhile after the tragedy.

i have also alluded to the fact that i am a crier, and have always been. i don't feel any less manly about it. if anything, i feel even more secure in my manhood because i am able to cry.

i am also a bit of a cynical asshole, and yet, at the same time, a dreamer, and a believer in things like goodness and love and happiness.

now, those of us who live on the west coast (and i imagine it's even worse in la, and maybe sf, but there's a definite bitter rivalry going on between la and nyc) make an almost unconcious habit of looking down our noses at new york city. it's dirty, it's crowded, it's dangerous, and mean, and cynical. but you watch how after 9/11, that dirty, stand-offish city pulled together, and subsequently, the nation, and most of the world, to overcome what has been a horrible tragedy. and it's not just 9/11 that i use as an example, i remember seeing news footage during the large blackout that happened a while back, and seeing a teeming mass of cheerful, yes, let me repeat that, cheerful, and laughing, and making-friends and helping-others new yorkers walking down the sidewalks on their way home from work because the transits weren't working. and cab drivers giving people free rides home, etc, etc.

and not just in nyc, but in la, every christmas, the comics and would-be stars who lend their talents and sit elbow-to-elbow with homeless people for a special christmas dinner. the teenagers who volunteer time to help tutor other teenagers, or to do something within their community to better it. the help that people in florida are receiving in the wake of the hurricanes. all of this helps to remind me sometimes of how wonderful life is.

and after all the bullshit, and pettiness, and hatred, and ignorance i see on the news that Man exacts on his fellow man, it is beautiful and overwhelming to see the occasional glimmer of humanity. of that something in all of us that is god-like, if you believe in god in whatever form god takes for you, and good. that something that will rise above this shithole planet that we now occupy and move to something higher, stronger, eternal.

and a little voice chimes in my head, "there is still hope..." and every time it does, i burst into tears afresh, because it feels good to know that no matter what fucked up shit goes on from day to day, and week to week, overall, we are basically good, and want to help each other out.

and i pass this on to you, my small, oh so incredibly small group of beloved readers, and hope it finds you at a time when you need it. and i pass it on with the hopes that you will pass it on to those around you, who may also be in need, because i am, when all is said and done, only one rather dubious and sarcastic motherfucker, but if we work together, look at the giant, and wonderful, and beautiful things we can do. things that will end up being bigger than ourselves, and longer-lasting. things that go beyond the paying of bills, and the wiping of noses, and the making of love, and the driving of cars, and all the other meaningless, day-to-day bullshit that our lives seem full of.

and don't worry, tomorrow i will be back to my sardonic asshole self, and will write about how george w. bush is an idiot, or about shitty seattle drivers, or how i hope martha stewart gets gang-raped in prison, but today i am open and raw like a wound, only in a good day, and must take advantage of this rare opportunity.

there is still hope...

darth sardonic


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