Saturday, January 29, 2005

a bevvy of nonsequitors

why do babies and toddlers look like they're dead when they sleep? this is horribly disturbing, and i have woken both of my children up on numerous occasions to ascertain that they are still breathing.

i have being the less-than-helpful hubby down to a science. but i can't really help it, my wife asks questions to which i couldn't possibly know the answer: "baby, where are my keys?" to which i invariably reply, "i don't know, where are your keys?" eventually, we will get to "where'd you have them last?" which i hate, cause it's such a "parent" thing to say, but my wife would forget her head if it were not attached. there have been occasions where she asks me where something is, and i have happened to notice whatever she is looking for hiding under a pile of mail or whatever, and i remember!! and tell her. but mostly i ask her question back to her. i've also mastered the art of being captain obvious. today, she says, "wow, eggs and stainless steel cookware don't go together" (she recently bought new stainless steel cookware, and apparently this morning was her first egg-cooking with the new pans). i look. sure enough, eggs stuck to the pan like crazy. i say, (in my drollest, dryest voice) "well, i guess you shouldn't cook eggs with your stainless steel cookware." i am so very helpful. i pat myself on the back. ouch, i think i pulled something. ow, hang on.

recently, no. 1 runs up to me, one index finger extended, and says, "uh oh. poopy." followed by something that sounds like "god." and something else that sounds like "shit." sure enough, he has poo on his finger. like he was walking along, and suddenly--"hey, what the fu--?!! what's in my diaper? let me jus-- aaww fuck!" as i'm changing his diaper and cleaning his finger, i can't help wondering if he stuck his finger in his poo and then tried to immediately pick his nose with it, a thought that cracks me up!! i know, i'm a sick fucking bastard and i'm sure there's a special place in hell for me.

why do people slow down when they see a cop, even if they were already going below the speed limit? jesus, people, drive! everyone drives around here like they are packing four pounds of uncut heroin and a dead mobster in the back of their car. like if they don't get to the drop to ditch the drugs, and the dump to ditch the body in about 10 min, there'll be hell to pay most of the time, and like grannies the instant a police car is in sight.

and just a note here (cause today is most definitely a stream-of-conscious(and i'm sure i fucked that spelling up) day and i'm just spilling this shit as it comes to me), i do say "god" when my kids have a poopy, but my wife is the one who says "shit". i have been seriously cutting back on my verbal abuse of the "blue" words after numerous lectures by my mom and sundry others. the wife, on the other hand.... i'd say at least 80% of the repeat of vulgar language by my kids has been a direct result of something my wife has said. oh, everyone's concerned about your language, darth, you really need to cut back, blah fucking blah, yakity fucking schmakity, but lo and behold, the one teaching the kids bad language is my oh, so sweet and loveable wife who would never say anything to corrupt her kids, oh nooooo. yeah, well...

recently, i watched sky captain and the world of tomorrow. i was really excited to see it cause i thought it was going to be a modern-day sci-fi done with a thirties sci-fi flare. aaaaaamp! wrong! thank you for playing, you don't even get a consolation prize, cause this is a movie done entirely like a thirties sci-fi movie, complete with shrieking female lead, who thinks throwing an arm up in front of her face and making a loud whiny noise will protect her from a hundred empire-state-sized robots, and a male lead who spends most of his time expostulating about how cool he is, and the rest posing like some kind of gq ad. it was horrible, and i quickly found myself doing mst3k, making fun of it. it's too bad mst3k is off the air, cause they could do sky craptain and the world of boredom and it would be so hilarious that i would probably simultaneously shit my pants and shoot dr pepper out my nose. my one question when the movie was over was this: why would the criminally insane bad guy with the god-complex put termination sequences on board his doomsday/genesis machine rocketship? if he was convinced this was the future, why would he make it so that somebody inside the ship (which is supposed to be unmanned) could shut it down? huh? am i the only one who caught this? is it in case pvt 1st class stanley nuttbutt gets homesick? "ah just cain't leave mah ma!!" damn, this movie sucked.

i've decided that when my kids get older, i'm picking one day a year where i change the channel or volume on the tv repeatedly while they are watching a movie, whine and cry uproariously at everything they say to me, and climb all over them when they are trying to eat or rest or sleep. i promise not to enjoy it as much as they seem to enjoy it now, but it needs to be done.

anyways, this kind of stuff marches through my head like a macy's day parade (complete with giant underdog and shrek balloons) on a nearly constant basis, and now i have somewhere for it to go. hopefully, you guys have enjoyed it, and i'll pass more of this along again soon.

darth sardonic


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