Saturday, May 21, 2005

i would make a very bad boxer

even if i had rippling muscles, and a pug nose and cauliflower ears, i would still make a crappy boxer. here's why: boxers always bad mouth each other or go on and on about how much they are going to hurt the other boxer before the big match.

in my inimitable, self-deprecating manner, when asked how i predict the fight would go, i would reply with: "well, larry the mad bomber's a pretty insane fighter, my goal is to remain upright for about 10 to 15 seconds." or "i have a lot of respect for harry the machine gun, so hopefully i won't get my ass pounded too bad."

the same with being a pro wrestler. no amount of stupid hair cuts, make-up, and ridiculous tights would change the fact that when roddy "the mangler" dorkknob tells me he is going to drink my blood from my freshly-liberated, still-beating heart, i would have to reply with "ouch. sounds painful. did you pick that costume out yourself? could someone call the 'fab five'?"

you see, i'm just not into trash talk, unless i have actually proven that i have what it takes. if i were to be entering a competition with someone who talked a lot of shit the first time we got together, and then i subsequently pounded him like a narc at a biker rally, then i would talk a bunch of smack. but it would all be related to how badly i whomped him last time.

i would make a lousy superhero also. the first thing i would do would be to bust into the white house and put that bastard behind bars. ever notice that superman never killed anybody? (well, at least when i was a kid watching "super friends") that's cause killing is wrong. hence, dubya needs to go away for a long time. truth, justice, and the american way? strike one, two, three, dubya, you're out! also, let's say i come upon a man robbing an old woman. i begin to "nab" the bad guy. then he says, "hey man, i just got laid off from my job at chevrolet, and my kids haven't had anything decent to eat in three weeks, and my wife is turning tricks to keep us in food and clothes. and this lady was married to daddy warbucks, so she's got some to spare."

i'd say, "c'mon lady, hand it over, this guy's fallen on hard times. his fucking kids are starving for fuck's sake."

in a sort of related story, i was thinking about samuel l. jackson. (i know, i know, it doesn't seem at all related right now, but bear with me.) now, there's a bad ass. pulp fiction, die hard with a vengeance, jackie brown. he even managed to make formula 54 watchable. he's a takin-no-shit kind of bad-ass motherfucker. so the last couple projects he has been involved with have been more family-oriented: the star wars movies, (still haven't seen the revenge of the artist formerly known as anakin yet) and the incredibles. (aha, now we see the connection, darth) and i was thinking, "he even manages to be a bad-ass when he's saying, 'honey, where's my supersuit?'" just an all-around tough bastard. i like that. though i would like to see him lean over to yoda and say, "you don't quit talking like you're fuckin' strung out on somethin', i'm gonna shove my lightsaber up your motherfuckin' ass!"

i think his character from pulp fiction would give darth vader a run for his money. ole george better not let mace windu have a crack at vader, cause i almost wouldn't buy it. i guess we'll see.

say "what?" again, motherfucker!

darth sardonic


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