Wednesday, March 29, 2006

laughter followed by introspection

the other night my mom was over for dinner, and she and p and me and wife are hanging round the table and sharing stories, and my mom tells some story in which she used the word "cock". yes, cock.

i don't remember much about the story cause i was so busy choking back the laughter. this is the first time i have heard my mother use the word cock, and while none of us are prudes, it was just a smidge weird.

so she finishes her story, and some time passes, and i say, "i'm still just wigged out to have heard my mother say 'cock'."

i stand up to place my glass on the counter. p and wife are chuckling. in the split second it takes all of us to do this, my mother says, "well, what did you want me to say, 'dick'?"

i am on the floor. wife is crying and snorting. p is all teeth and squeezed-shut eyes. mom is rolling and dabbing at her eyes.

we play some card games and mom goes home. wife says, "i think your mom really needed that. it is the first time she's really cut loose since lloyd died."

and for some reason that gets me to thinking. i spent a week after the lloyd blog bawling at the drop of a hat. for my own father, i only cried at the funeral. wherein lies the difference?

and i think it is the kids. i hate to say it, but so much of what i feel is a reflection of what i see in their eyes. my father passed before either of them were born. i believe he has seen them, and thinks they are lovely, but they don't know him. they got to hang out with lloyd, who i may not have hand-picked as the grandfather of choice, but then again, he was pretty fucking good with them. i've also spent countless hours and days and weeks being confused or agonized by my relationship with my father, even before he passed, and i think that train had left the station.

lloyd, on the other hand, was still a friend, and we had been there alot at the end.

and again i hope i can be the kind of dad my kids feel they know. the kind of dad that they can talk to about whatever thing is going on in their life, even if they feel i might disapprove, or that it might be wrong. the kind of dad who is always there, and can always be counted on.

and in my last post, credit for "dicey" goes to c (now you're famous) and credit for the "whom" statement goes to sj. changing the world one word at a time.

darth sardonic


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