Friday, April 14, 2006

commit kind acts of randomness

why is it on the days when i wouldn't care, no cars come dangerously close to running me over, but on the days when i'm loving life and everything, i nearly get in three ugly accidents?

i mean, it can be raining, i could be hunched over the wheel, eyes gummy with unshed tears, fucking begging for god to bitchslap me, and not a swerving semi in sight.

but the sunny day when i sit up straight, smile, whistle the horn section to the impression that i get, and every fucker that crosses my path wants his bumper strategically placed in organs i kinda need for the quality of life to which i've grown accustomed.

and everyone wonders why i'm so wry.

i am a superhero to my kids. they think i can fix anything, that i make fish crackers magically appear with the snap of a finger, and i do the little "yay, buddy" jig when they get a gold star from school. however, any one of these things not come through, and i am a prick as fast as you can remove a pair of black, horn-rimmed glasses.

no. 2 has the coolest physical therapist. today she busted out a whoopie cushion for him to stomp on, getting him to stand on one leg while doing so. hilarity ensued. boy, does she have my kids pegged or what?

does anyone remember the star wars spoof, hardware wars? my kids have found my copy and watch it incessantly. it's only 20 minutes long. it was funny the first 8

hundred times i watched it!

the pizza place i work for has this kind of propaganda-ish thing they do. when the driver is leaving the store, he/she says, "driver out" followed by the time it took for the pizza to go from a hunger pang to out the door. everyone in the shop is supposed to call back, "buckle up and drive safe" i guess the idea is that if i hear this five thousand times in three hours, it will somehow come true. some of my responses have been:

yeah, if a car doesn't mow me down in the parking lot.

geez, i never thought you guys cared.

they love me, they really love me!

no way, fast, crazy, and unbuckled for me!

if you guys insist, followed by heavy sigh.

the word you're searching for, o my droogies, is anyWAAAAAYZ.

darth sardonic


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