Wednesday, September 20, 2006

stupid titles, i can never come up with a good one...

last weekend we went to ikea, to buy a bed frame and a cd tower.

this is not overly significant, except that i have begun closing on friday nights at work to recoup some losses.

this is not overly significant, except that i don't even get out of work until 1:00 or 1:30 am.

this is not overly significant, except that i tend to be extremely tired and grouchy the next day.

now back to our regularly scheduled program:

as i said, we went to ikea to buy a bed frame and a cd tower.

ikea is easily 45 mins. to an hour away from where we live. we go, we wander through aisles of ultramodern sparse and spartan furniture that my wife and i just dig. we rub shoulders with seattle's elite. (i'm laughing here cause ikea perpetually seems to be full of people who are full of themselves.)

we pick up the bed frame. we bring it home. i begin assembling it.

at first, i let the kids help me. we laugh, we joke. i let them turn the wrench.

then my sleep deprivation combined with the increasingly aggravating nature of the completely wordless assembly instructions began to take its toll. for their own safety, i chased out the other family members.

then i get to the part of the assembly that i had been dreading: insert cylindrical metal piece with two perpendicular screw holes into opening in wooden slat. while battling gravity, and cursing heavily, maintain directional integrity of metal cylinder while holding two wooden pieces together and inserting screw with futile hopes that all lines up so screw may be properly inserted. sacrifice chicken. pray to umbooku. beg and plead that magic will somehow work and this time all points will align. it is easier to align all nine (or is it eight now? i heard some gossip that we are no longer accepting pluto as a planet. frankly, the very thought of pluto not being included seems to tear asunder the very foundation of my belief system. i feel like i have been lied to all these years. by astronomers, no less. anyways.) planets than to align these three points. and you have to do it 7 more times!!

as i fumble with this, sweaty and bedraggled, i imagine tall nordic workers laughing in uproarious manner at the yank as he battles a seemingly simple task.

like a bubble rising in a bottle of maple syrup, a thought surfaces in my mind:

something is not right here.

i can't figure out what it is, entrenched as i am in what is sure to be a duel to the death with white birch and polished metal.

oh well, back to the task at hand.

again, another maple syrup bubble:

we are missing the slats that cross from one arm of the frame to the other and upon which the mattress is designed to sit.

this particular murky bubble surfaces at about 4:30.

as i continue to struggle with the frame, and bellow at my kids in a voice that i am sure resembles the moo of a cow now, the wife hurtles north back to the store to find out that the slats are sold seperately, because if you have a box spring (which we do not), the slats aren't necessary. however, nowhere was this posted so the more plebeian, middle crust shopper might know, and purchase said slats before returning home and assembling said bed frame. apparently the richer people who usually frequent ikea just know.

so the ring of tall, blonde, blue-eyed figures laugh even harder now, pointing at me and slapping their knees or each others' backs at just how clever they are.

the wife arrives home, the slats are laid down in the now completed bed frame. the mattress is placed, the already-asleep occupant intact, and a gin and tonic is consumed.

and all is well with the universe.

darth sardonic


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