Wednesday, January 17, 2007

american idol seattle

i got home from work, and my wife is watching the american idol auditions that occured here in seattle.

i loathe, and i mean loathe, anything american idol related. i hate simon and his "i'm not being rude but..." followed by something even i wouldn't say behind the safety of this blog. i hate paula abdul and her drinking problem or pain meds or whatever thing it is that makes her act strung out in at least half her interviews. i don't hate the other guy, but haven't even bothered to learn his fucking name.

and out of all the contestants on all the shows, they only one that has done anything long-lasting was kelly clarkson. and i will cop to liking her music. fuck yeah.

now, though, i actually know why i despise american idol so much. and if you saw it, you know exactly what i am talking about.

if not, let me break it down for you, darth sardonic style.

now, let me begin by saying that you will never see me on an american idol audition, or any other audition of similar mettle. here's why. i am a shitty singer. yes, i have been told on occasion that no, i am not really that bad, that i actually sound good. most of the time when i am playing a song and singing it at the same time. but still, not nearly the chops to be on some show. on top of being ungifted in the singing department, i have a modicum of dignity.

ok, so, the difference between me and the people i saw on the show: a) they showed up to the audition, and b) they don't possess any dignity whatsoever.

because, o my beloved non existant readers and droogies, even though my vocal talent is seriously lacking, i could probably sing better than nearly everyone i saw. (i saw the black jailbait with the cute smile, and she really had it.)

and i was sitting there at the commercial, and felt as if a surgeon had told me they were going to need to remove my arm, and then left to go find four burly guys to hold me down as the hospital was out of anesthesia. cause, my pals, i knew it was gonna hurt. i knew it was going to be so painful that i would have to leave the room. i nearly threw up.

and there i was, and it was as if i had just witnessed a violent and bloody train wreck and then was witnessing the obviously strung out conductor arguing with authorities that he couldn't possibly have been strung out cause it had been a full 20 minutes since he had drunk a fifth of tequila, down the last of the shroom tea, and then smoked up all that rock, and the crack whore he was with told him it would be completely out of his system after five minutes.

and why, oh, why, my beloved mates, do all these contestants feel like they must overdo the song like mariah carey trying to channel whitney houston, only times one thousand?!?

does no one just sing, anymore?

well, i don't know if you would call it that, but i just sing.

darth sardonic



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