Saturday, December 15, 2007

it's not your fault you're worthless...

rick, of kill cupid, (and linkable through my pals list) has their first video up on his blog. i rather like it. wife said it was "too angry" for her. but if you're so inclined, check it out. if it is, like my wife, too angry for you, check out some of his mp3's, "decency" is a little more mellow and easy on the ears.

jamie's blog has disappeared again. if you recall, she disappeared. then she reappeared, but the last post was dated august 2nd. now she has disappeared again. considering her condition, i am a bit worried. i am loathe to take down the link, because of the apparent finality that doing so bears. for me, and within the confines of this (unimportant, insignificant) little blog, removing her link is almost like saying she never existed at all.

in a strange way, even though it really doesn't lead to anything anymore, leaving it there is like saying "someone saw you, someone knew you, someone cared. you matter."

which makes me think, something that has been rolling around in my cranium like a pea in a boxcar lately, why is it, when we are clearly so tiny in the universal scope of things, do we fight to make such a big splash?

the universe is vast. incomprehensibly huge (i think i am channeling both monty python and adam douglas right now, hahaha. which seems to ease the solemnity of where this post seems to be heading--and i will warn you, i am spilling it as it comes to me. it either might be a massive epiphany, or it might leave me with even more questions when it is done, i make no promises). the universe is, plainly put, beyond our ability to ken.

so from the vastness of space down down down to a single individual sitting in front of his computer with his dorkboys on and his hula-girl pajama bottoms.

i know that i am a fragment of a thought. i know that the earth, in the grand scheme of things, is maybe an electron inside an atom. then there are billions of us individuals crawling around this electron's surface, growing, eating, fighting, fucking, loving. and dying.

but we seem to spend the time we are granted (again, a whisper when one thinks of time in a geolithic sense, or when one dives into the immense depthless ocean that is eternity) fighting tooth and nail to make our presence felt.

i listen to punk music. the very basis of which can be boiled down to: i will not conform. i will fucking live! i watch movies that lend themselves to thinking how important the mark we leave behind is; how important life is (i've been thinking alot lately, for whatever reason, of the tenets presented in the movie bladerunner: how an angry and destructive android, at the final moments of his existance, could reach out a hand to his nemesis, because suddenly life, in and of itself, was more important than anything else).

here's the thing: universe is space. infinite space. and what is infinite space? well, i am no philosopher, and i am not trained in the arts of deeper thinking, and i do not have a phd from a well-respected university somewhere important, but to me, infinite space seems to be made up of varying sizes of finite space. how do we chop up finite space? with walls, real or imaginary. and some of this infinite space is made up of finite spaces confined by the walls of our brainpans, o my beloved non-existant readers. however small, in the grand scheme of things, the spaces within our skulls are still part of space.

and within the finite space of our skulls, we are gods. in my head, i am a god. (well, ok, mostly. a demigod, maybe. or a pretty important under-angel. anyways, i digress.) within the space contained by my melon, i am the most important thing. because, frankly, within my cavity, if i cease to exist, so does everything else around me. for me, anyways. you see what i am getting at? this is why i warned you i am no philosopher.

and as a result of my own importance (sorta) within my bean, that importance seeps out to those who are also important to me; family, friends, this dumb little blog, etc etc etc. and that, o my beloved droogs and only friends, is how we become significant in the walloping big, fucking interminally huge universe that will eventually swallow us all to whatever oblivion we choose to believe in, by the lives we touch. by the importance of our existance within the scope of other existances. this is how we leave some legacy that spreads like the ripples of a pond when the fish has already disappeared from view down the gullet of the heron.

and that, my dear, patient, beloved, and significant, o so fucking significant non-existant readers, is why jamie's dead end link will, most likely, be remaining for a very very long time.

darth sardonic

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12 Comments:

Blogger Belle said...

Well, according to Kant, you are the most important being in the universe, because without you, the world as it is perceived by you will cease to exist. At the same time, your perception of the world can only approximate reality, so does your view of it really matter?

Read Kant. It is very soothing :)

Bel

10:35 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

lol belle, it sounds confusing as fuck, but fun. thanks, i will try and give it a tackle some time.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Krissie said...

It's great if you see the hugeness of space and your own existence the way you do. But to me, when I think about it, and I do and often, it only makes me feel like I could lie down, refuse to eat, drink, breathe, eventually die and it wouldn't matter one single bit. Is it strange if it's a comforting thought?
My mistakes don't matter because they just don't. My uselessness doesn't matter because it just doesn't. And thank God that it is so.

12:17 PM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

well, krissie, other than several of us would miss your presence, i think you have a point. in the grand scheme of things, our mistakes count for little if nothing. i would, however, keep you in my pals list indefinitely as well.

and i'm telling you your not allowed to lie down and refuse to eat and drink. got it?

2:44 PM  
Blogger Krissie said...

OK, OK... No need to yell.

*making mental note: must not tell Darth when I decide to refuse to eat and breathe*

2:00 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

lol krissie, i dig your sense of humor.

7:47 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

it's good to know that somewhere we flutter like a butterfly across someones unconscious and conscious mind, and in that moment we matter.
pxx

11:50 AM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

beautiful pixie, exactly.

3:11 PM  
Blogger wakeupandsmellthecoffee said...

Yeah, Pixie, that's a great thought. By the way, Darthman, tag, you're it. See my blog.

12:23 PM  
Blogger zirelda said...

Do not go gentle into that good night... love that poem.

A counselor once told me I was lucky becuase I knew I was nothing. And that sounds bad but it isn't. I'm simply not trying to be a big fish and know that I am not much more than an electron in this big world. My existance will not have much impact I think.

I never read Jamie's blog. Now I wish I had.....

2:48 PM  
Blogger Sparx said...

Ah, well put indeed. Everything matters though, doesn't it? Everything and everyone matters and everyone counts. Borges said something like 'for all we know, every ant is considered sacred by God' (I am misquoting but cannot be arsed to walk to my bookshelf to double check this...)

3:19 PM  
Blogger darth sardonic said...

wuastc-ty, and i will get right over there to check it out soon, i have to do a post about work today!

z-i like it too. mostly, the sentimentality, the idea that i will go hard. but, at the same time (my bucket of contradictions), i won't fight against fate. i guess i just want to feel like i have left a mark. and if for nothing else, i feel i will have made a mark with friends and family.

sparx-i agree, i feel that everything is important. i also feel the the loss of things, if not preordained or predestined, is at the very least, expected. so the ants (and sundry other creatures) that i have killed, god was expecting their loss, and their death (how trite and silly this may sound, but oh so true) taught me respect for life, and so not all is a loss.

yeah, i know, i am the most confusing and insane person to talk philosophy with, cause essentially i think it all serves a purpose, hahaha.

9:28 AM  

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