it's not your fault you're worthless...

rick, of kill cupid, (and linkable through my pals list) has their first video up on his blog. i rather like it. wife said it was "too angry" for her. but if you're so inclined, check it out. if it is, like my wife, too angry for you, check out some of his mp3's, "decency" is a little more mellow and easy on the ears.

jamie's blog has disappeared again. if you recall, she disappeared. then she reappeared, but the last post was dated august 2nd. now she has disappeared again. considering her condition, i am a bit worried. i am loathe to take down the link, because of the apparent finality that doing so bears. for me, and within the confines of this (unimportant, insignificant) little blog, removing her link is almost like saying she never existed at all.

in a strange way, even though it really doesn't lead to anything anymore, leaving it there is like saying "someone saw you, someone knew you, someone cared. you matter."

which makes me think, something that has been rolling around in my cranium like a pea in a boxcar lately, why is it, when we are clearly so tiny in the universal scope of things, do we fight to make such a big splash?

the universe is vast. incomprehensibly huge (i think i am channeling both monty python and adam douglas right now, hahaha. which seems to ease the solemnity of where this post seems to be heading--and i will warn you, i am spilling it as it comes to me. it either might be a massive epiphany, or it might leave me with even more questions when it is done, i make no promises). the universe is, plainly put, beyond our ability to ken.

so from the vastness of space down down down to a single individual sitting in front of his computer with his dorkboys on and his hula-girl pajama bottoms.

i know that i am a fragment of a thought. i know that the earth, in the grand scheme of things, is maybe an electron inside an atom. then there are billions of us individuals crawling around this electron's surface, growing, eating, fighting, fucking, loving. and dying.

but we seem to spend the time we are granted (again, a whisper when one thinks of time in a geolithic sense, or when one dives into the immense depthless ocean that is eternity) fighting tooth and nail to make our presence felt.

i listen to punk music. the very basis of which can be boiled down to: i will not conform. i will fucking live! i watch movies that lend themselves to thinking how important the mark we leave behind is; how important life is (i've been thinking alot lately, for whatever reason, of the tenets presented in the movie bladerunner: how an angry and destructive android, at the final moments of his existance, could reach out a hand to his nemesis, because suddenly life, in and of itself, was more important than anything else).

here's the thing: universe is space. infinite space. and what is infinite space? well, i am no philosopher, and i am not trained in the arts of deeper thinking, and i do not have a phd from a well-respected university somewhere important, but to me, infinite space seems to be made up of varying sizes of finite space. how do we chop up finite space? with walls, real or imaginary. and some of this infinite space is made up of finite spaces confined by the walls of our brainpans, o my beloved non-existant readers. however small, in the grand scheme of things, the spaces within our skulls are still part of space.

and within the finite space of our skulls, we are gods. in my head, i am a god. (well, ok, mostly. a demigod, maybe. or a pretty important under-angel. anyways, i digress.) within the space contained by my melon, i am the most important thing. because, frankly, within my cavity, if i cease to exist, so does everything else around me. for me, anyways. you see what i am getting at? this is why i warned you i am no philosopher.

and as a result of my own importance (sorta) within my bean, that importance seeps out to those who are also important to me; family, friends, this dumb little blog, etc etc etc. and that, o my beloved droogs and only friends, is how we become significant in the walloping big, fucking interminally huge universe that will eventually swallow us all to whatever oblivion we choose to believe in, by the lives we touch. by the importance of our existance within the scope of other existances. this is how we leave some legacy that spreads like the ripples of a pond when the fish has already disappeared from view down the gullet of the heron.

and that, my dear, patient, beloved, and significant, o so fucking significant non-existant readers, is why jamie's dead end link will, most likely, be remaining for a very very long time.

darth sardonic