Friday, November 26, 2004

movie pr

first of all, hope everybody had a great thanksgiving. today's nugget of joy is from an old email is sent out to all my friends one day when i was sleep deprived and cranky.

okay, as we all know i have no life, and watch way too much tv. having said that, here goes. (plus, i'm just trying to put off cleaning the house, or as i like to call it, "my exercise in futility").
some new rules for movie previews: (all brought on by having just seen the preview for "anacondas: the search for new blood", or as i like to call it, "crap 2", for the hundredth time)

1) they're no longer allowed to have the voice-over say stuff like, "in a world where cheese is is more precious than gold..." or "in a world where cars are made of rubber and carpets grow on trees..." or "in a world where" anything really. even if they are attempting to be ironic or poke fun at other movie previews. it's been done, overdone, and done again. if they want to try something new, do it in a foriegn language: "en un mundo donde se cree que cantinflas es dios..." (it would be even funnier in, say, chinese, but since i don't actually speak mandarin, and any attempts to portray a mandarin-type fake preview would be highly racist, and i'm just not that guy, i had to stick with spanish--which is funny, as i can't recall in all the movie previews that i've seen in spanish (and it would be quite a bit more than you are actually thinking!), i've never heard "en un mundo donde" ever.)

2) they're no longer allowed to use trite movie phrases, such as "where the hunter(s) become the hunted(s)", or "fear(or "terror", or "horror") will have a new name(or face)" followed by the actual name of whatever Fear is going to change it's name to. FEAR: uh, yes, i'm here to change my name. COURT CLERK: oh, well, yes, just fill out these forms. what will your new name be, so i can just get it logged into the computer here? FEAR: oh, well, y'see, i'm kinda partial to jason(or micheal meyers, or freddy, or flipper). and for sequels, no more "this time it's personal".

3) they're no longer allowed to say something that sounds really deep or poignant or emotional or whatever, followed by the sound a record player makes when tossed across the room, followed by a duly ironic shot of some moron, doing something particularly stupid, with an exponentially dumber voice-over, said in the same i-take-myself-and-everything-around-me-way-too-fucking-seriously, fm radio disc jockey, game-show announcer voice that he was using just before your ears were assaulted by the scratching of a record needle across 60-grit sandpaper.

4) they're not allowed to reuse old movies anymore. come on, come up with something new. and that goes for story lines that have been horribly abused, i.e. the cinderella story, in all it's incarnations (most recently a real cesspool i see ads for that stars hilary "statutory-rape-wannabe-punk-boyfriend" duff), the affair-gone-terribly-awry storyline ("unfaithful", "what lies beneath"(though i'll admit that one broke decidedly new ground), and "fatal attraction"), the affair-turned-out-to-be-the-unrequited-love-of-my-life tale ("bridges of madison county", "the english patient"), and any holiday- or summer camp-related horror movie (i don't even NEED to begin listing all of those and their ilk!).

5) and finally, a special one just for movie theaters. recently i accompanied an old high-school buddy to a viewing of "alien vs. predator" at my local cineplex. it should be noted here that i have not gone to see a movie in the theaters since we had an economy. there, we viewed, or more appropriately, were assaulted, by a preview for an upcoming thriller called "saw". first, the images where hurled at us at a speed that would stump the very quickest of baseball players up at bat(and would drive the catcher about 9,000 feet back into the parking lot) and would beat every nascar at the brickyard 500 by about 20 laps, so that we were left wondering what we had just seen("is the movie about squirrels, the moon, blacktop?"), but the soundtrack increased in volume and distortion to a level where heads were popping like overstressed balloons in the rows and seats nearest the speakers, while those of us who survived spent the next two hours say! ing, "what? wha-haat?", even to the advertisement for dts, which doesn't say anything so much as show you all the cool noises that all 600 speakers that are cleverly hidden throughout the theater (i'm sure one was directly between my legs, and the other was speaking through my dr pepper) can make. we get it already, you've got the best recording equipment, you've got the best speaker surround sound system, probably in the universe, and you've got the loudest movie ever made. not that it makes any difference, as i will be watching everything forever hereafter with "closed captioning".

and, as a famous idiot not so dissimilar from myself once said, "stupid is as st"--no, that's not it, sorry--"that's all i got to say 'bout thaa-at"

thanks for yet another few minutes of your precious time,

darth sardonic

p.s. i will be using this in an upcoming manuscript, which i hope to turn into a book, that will be full of rants and observations and just stuff from life in general. it should be noted here, that in my house, when i say i am writing a book, i get the eye-rolling, "i'll-believe-it-when-i-see-it" look from my wife. if i had a dollar for every started and subsequently unfinished book, i could produce my own porn movies.


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