Sunday, July 09, 2006

riddle me this...

why would a beautiful woman go to the trouble of shaving her legs and not bother with her armpits? if you wanna be granola, let everything grow. the armpits are such a small patch of skin, the legs are vast. maybe i'm just and idiot. ok, change "maybe" to "probably".

i must be getting older or the tellers at my local supermarket are getting younger. told the wife, "12, 13, that one down there with the lip gloss, 10" i'm beginning to wonder about child labor laws around here.

overheard a conversation today between a pretentious neo hippie jetsetter chick and the aforementioned hairy-pit/shaved-legs girl where pnhjc says, "i've been craving meat lately" (i am under the impression that she is a raw veggies vegan or some other such load of tripe. or not, i guess, in this case). wanted to lean over and say, "that's because we're fucking omnivores, you holier-than-thou twat!! we're meant to eat flesh. the whole purpose of eye teeth is to tear meat (dogs, cats, the like). come talk to me when we've got babies that are born with only a double-row of molars. in the meantime, have a medium rare steak."

which brings up two very important points. i may have talked about these before. who knows? more importantly, who cares? point one: veggies have feelings too. not sure where i read about a study to test reactions to stimuli in plants and vegetables. they hooked up electrodes to carrots and sundry other comestibles and got some sort of biorythm baseline, and then shocked the fuck out of them. yes, the little needle/pen thingies went apeshit. they yelled at them. again. seems like cabbage is extra sensitive, gets all teary when you mistake it for lettuce. anyways, the point being, despite the fact that they don't have eyes to look longingly at you with, or mouths to make mournful sounds with, when you violently rip a carrot from it's natural home of the soil, wash it under scalding water, slap it on a cold plate, and bite enormous hunks out of it's flesh, the entire time it is screaming, "what the fuck have i ever done to you, you fucking overzealous greenpeace treehugging bitch?!!!!?" so i move that we eat soil. seems to work for plants. oh, wait, there are living microbes in the soil that might not appreciate being masticated and introduced to the harsh environment of the stomach. plastic might be a good alternative food source.

the other point is this: back in the day, before everyone got hip to how cool the south american tea, mate, is, the only place i could find it was health-food stores. so i've got requiem for a dream-esque jared leto guy telling me the reason i am so unhealthy is because i eat meat and veggies that have not been raised organically. excuse me? is that your hair falling out in patches? are your eyes sposed to be that sunken?

he tells me he takes vitamin supplements. maybe you wouldn't fucking need to if you ate like a fucking human being. you can't just turn your back a few million years of evolution.

and another thing (after i did my diatribe about veggies being creatures with feelings too, and the whole eyetooth thing), so fucking what if they are genetically splicing fish genes into my tomatoes to make em shinier (they aren't, this is a bit of scare-tactic organic fertalizer), i eat fish still. so if you made me a halibut filet and stuck tomato slices on top, would that not be the same fucking thing?

so, tonight for dinner, the flesh of lesser dumb beasts with a side of screaming greens.

darth sardonic


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