Wednesday, October 20, 2004

the bachelor life

well, okay. the title is a little misleading, for two reasons: 1) if i was really living the bachelor life, i would probably not have kids, which may seem like a minute detail, but wait and see how it plays in. and 2) if i was really living the bachelor life, i would be out nearly every night trying to get laid. (i know, it's gross, but let's face it, the majority of us think about that very thing, or something related, an incredible amount!)

so, actually, it's more like i'm living a temporary bachelor existance with some of the fun things surgically removed.

and now that you're completely lost, "let me splain. no, there is too much, let me sum up."

my wife left for a couple days to portland to be with her sister(hey, sarah jane, glad everything went well!), while she had surgery to remove tumor(see for more info).

of course, i am missing her terribly(she comes home tonight), but before she leaves, i say, "cool, i'll use the extra time to get the house all clean, do laundry, and hang some more pictures(we're very nearly done unpacking and putting everything away, yay!), and by the time you come home, everything will be clean and polished and shiny like a new quarter."

this may still, possibly be the case.

i spent day one thinking, "i've got two days, no mad rush." so she left that night, and i ended up staying up until after ten with my boys, who will not sleep. then i sleep for roughly two hours, after which no. 2 wakes up, screaming, wailing, thrashing, and i have to rock him and hold him for two motherloving HOURS, during which, no. 1 wakes up, and would normally climb into bed with me, only i'm not there. i spend part of this time trying to drop off a now-asleep no. 2 in his crib, but every time i try to get out of the room, his eyes fly open, and he looks at me as if to say, "leave this room and i'll fucking freak out!"(and yes, my kids, when they talk in my head, cuss. so did both the cats i owned. more than i do even. i'm not sure why.). finally, we are returned to sleep, and the no. 1, who got the most sleep, wakes up at 8:00 am.

now, i have a theory. if you get two hours of sleep, and get woke up for a half-hour, get two hours of sleep, and get woke up for a half-hour, and get two hours of sleep, you would think that should be six hours of sleep, right? well, my theory is, and i'm hoping to get a government grant to prove it soon(and why not? they give money to looney bastards to see which mattress better absorbs the impact of a bowling ball, right? or how much red kool-aid a certain lab rat must drink before it dies of cancer, or embarassment at having wet its pants so copiously), that each hour before the sleep pattern gets interrupted counts for only 15 minutes of actual sleep. based on that theory, i got about 3 hours of sleep the first night.

which means i didn't even get out of my pj's yesterday until about 6:00 pm. it also means i didn't get shit done, until about that same time. add to that that the first day i managed to eat lunch and completely forget dinner, and yesterday i didn't eat or drink anything except copious amounts of coffee, until six.

at six, it was like i looked around, and snapped out of my funk, and was suddenly infused with a big shot of crystal meth. can you be infused with a shot of crystal meth? i don't know. never tried the stuff. i don't like running around all energetic under normal circumstances, why would i take substances into my body that make me be energetic and wound up? well, cept coffee, but i can control that. and i can quit any time.

i know, i know, I KNOW, just fucking get on with it, darth!! yeah, i know.

so, on what i like to call "nervous energy", i lifted myself out of my seat, got dressed, ran around cleaning up while constantly making fun of whatever was on tv to myself and for no one else's benefit (i do that when i'm so tired i'm wired), and made myself dinner. sloppy joes and creamed corn. nothing but the very best of bachelor food for me and my brood. essentially, i got the house to a point where today, i should be able to accomplish whatever is left to do. i also got the kids to bed a little earlier, though, as it turned out, this didn't really matter, as no. 2 still woke up alot.

but today i'm gonna knuckle down (or knucklehead, you decide), though i'm obviously still tired, as you can see from the rambling, stream of concious manner in which i have written. and if i don't finish everything i wanted to accomplish, i'll at least get close before my wife gets home. i'm already dressed, as a matter of fact, and in clean clothes, too!!

deep breath, and say "anywaaaaayz!!"

and a bajillion dollars (cause you guys don't even try and play these games with me anymore unless you can google the answers, ya losers! just kidding. i suck. sorry.) to the person who can guess the movie reference in this blog.

darth sardonic


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