Monday, December 13, 2004

chicks n guitars

well, it's the time of year where i begin to be bombarded by magazines wanting to sell me guitars and basses and amps, and sundry other shit that they are convinced i need, and i am not.

these are usually done up a little like those motorbike magazines, they have a full-page shot of the guitar/bass/amp/pedal/whatever with an extremely scantily-clad chica holding it, leaning against it, or what-have-you.

now, here's my beef: why the fuck can't they find hottie chicks to pose with the guitars that actually play guitars?!!? they always get some trashy ho who thinks it's rock and roll to hold the guitar firmly by the neck and body (usually down by the volume and tone knobs), and put a look on their face kinda like axl rose or any member of motley crue just after they have downed a fifth of jack, and stand with their pelvis and basketball-implant chest thrust towards the camera, a bikini-bottom so small that if it were a napkin at a restuarant, you'd ask for a larger one, and a "fender" t-shirt that has been cut and knotted so that it barely covers her rather sizable areola, and the trademark name has been reduced to "f--r".

i mean, don't get me wrong, i love cute girls as much as the next motherfucker, but if you're going to try and convince me to buy your guitar, couldn't you at least show the girl an easy chord, and tell her that you don't strum the strings with your palm and fingers splayed?

c'mon, there are enough hotties in the world of rock, country, and blues that actually getting models to stand around looking stupid with the guitars should be completely unnecessary. throw something tight on michelle branch, and hand her a gibson acoustic. pass avril a strat, and have her do what she does. i bet you wouldn't have to work very hard to convince sheryl crow to pose completely buck-ass naked, with the guitar slung in such a way that it covers the nasty bits. every member of the donnas, joss stone(i don't know if she actually plays guitar, but put her near one, she's hotter than any of the sluts they have posing in their mags!!), ani difranco(yes, i think she's hot in her own "weird haired homeless girl" kind of way), etc etc.

i know, i know, i should be so completely overwhelmed by cleavage, smooth skin, and overapplied make-up that i shouldn't even notice that the chord she is making consists of placing her hand, barbie-fashion (i.e., all my fingers are attached to each other, and don't bend at the joints) across the strings, but i can't help it. is it too much to think that the producers of these magazines should notice it, too? who knows, maybe i'm just big loser. (probably.)

darth sardonic


Post a Comment

<< Home