Wednesday, February 08, 2012

i'm not perfect, but i'm not an asshole...

o beloved non-existent readers, thou stalwart and strong, o tried n true. if you're still coming around this irradiated little bit of rusty tetanus nail in the grainfield of the world wide web, then maybe it is time you stopped.
because the story i have to tell today will not be a happy one. it will probably, in your minds; if i could presume to guess in advance what you might think of me, negate almost everything i have said in the past in this blog. i don't think it does, but i cannot for the life of me imagine that any of you who might still stumble past here on occasion would walk away from today's post thinking anything but "how could he have written all those other things?"
but first, a story. the wife and i are out one night with friends at a local nightclub, and i had been wanting to try a rob roy, so i ordered one, in my inimitable fashion. shortly after ordering, i went to the bathroom, and when i come back, my wife is livid.
turns out, the bartender brought a roy rogers instead of my scotch and sweet vermouth. turns out that in my absence, when my wife discovered the error, she said i was an "asshole" and that i could never order something "normal" n that she was sorry. all this to the bartender. or cocktail waiter. or whatever the fuck he is. the dick who shoulda brought me a fucking rob roy n not coke n grenadine. that guy. turns out, she calls me an asshole to my face a few more times for having ordered a fucking drink at a fucking bar. a place where, if the guy was unsure as to what was involved in a rob roy, he could've looked it up.
of course, i told her in no uncertain terms that i was in fact not an asshole for having ordered a drink in a bar that the waiter fucked up. i questioned her need to make excuses for me to a guy who obviously wasn't very good at his job or at best was having a bad night. a guy we don't know. a guy to whom we owe nothing. her reply was, "i'll just go wait in the car until you're ready to go home."
o my beloved non-existent readers, my droogs and only friends (who, no doubt, will no longer be my readers nor my friends after today), this started me thinking. this set into motion a chain of events that are irreversible and irretrievable.
because this isn't the first time something like this has occurred, and when i started thinking about it, i came to the conclusion that at least 60% of just who i am annoys the fucking shit out of my wife. she tells me all the time, in ways similar to the incident with the bartender.
n the more i thought about it, the more i thought: "i'm not really happy. i'm comfortable. i'm here because i have been here for so long." my wife and i had become like roommates, and, i might point out, roommates where one does all the work n the other complains that more isn't done.
and the fact that i am not home all day to do all the work has also brought all these events to a head. and the final result is that i no longer want to be with her. n i am honestly not sure why she has stayed with me so long either.
i'm not perfect. i can be a tool. i can be a dick. i am a moody fucker. i have a knack for saying something with the best of intentions but in such a way that it appears to have the opposite meaning. but i bust my ass to do my part in a relationship. n yes, i expect some things in return. n i believe i was being made to feel bad for expecting something in return for my hard work. i have a lot to offer. i'm a sweet guy, a good guy, a nice guy.
and i won't be taken for granted.
now, obviously the kids are still the most important thing in my life. my boys. my lego-building, video-game-playing, intelligent and handsome sons, who i frequently feel unworthy to father. it pains me to no end what this decision might do to them. but to be the kind of father i want to be, i need to be able to hold my head up high, i need to be happy. i can only hope someday they will understand that i didn't just do this for me, but for them as well, and that they will always be the most important thing in my life and that i love them dearly. i can only hope that someday they will forgive me of all my shortcomings.
if you feel the need to turn and walk away from this blog without ever looking back, i won't blame a single one of you. if you want to stick around, i've been a spotty poster at best, n i have no idea what the future will hold in terms of suitable writing material and laughs as of old.
darth sardonic


Wednesday, February 01, 2012

not dead

dear beloved non-existent readers, i am not dead yet, just busy with work n life. soon, i promise, i will write a post worth reading. though i can't imagine why any of you still stumble by this dirty clump of prechewed gum on the highway of the world wide web.

darth sardonic