Sunday, January 29, 2006


my mom's fourth husband was a widower that she married when i was older and had been living on my own for some time.

my first impression of him was that he was a grumpy old codger who liked things a certain way and grumbled whenever his routine got changed. he smoked like a chimney, and watched tv incessantly.

over the years, we developed a mutual respect. despite being a curmudgeon, he took good care of my mom, and made sure she had what she needed and wanted. he was genuinely concerned for my well-being, often insisting on a call if i was going on long trips to make sure that i had arrived safely.

we would watch reruns of murder she wrote, and he would tolerate my smart-ass mst3k commentary, and sometimes even laughed at my jokes. we discussed politics and the day-to-day. our mutual respect developed into friendship.

when i had children, a new side to lloyd bloomed before my eyes. he loved to receive high fives from my little rugrats, he smiled and laughed at their antics. he would pull them up into his lap and sit with them. there was a twinkle in his eyes when they were around.

lloyd passed away early saturday morning. i took the news well, since he had been ill with one thing or another for a very long time, and i honestly was surprised he had lived as long as he had.

but today, no. 1, in his cute little four-year-old voice, eyes wide and innocent, asked, "where's grandpa?" while we were at my mom's house, and i have not been the same since.

lloyd, i know you are well, and i know you are with theo, and i know you are happy. i hope you know that you are missed.

darth sardonic

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

cause ya gotta have the drums

so things are going pretty well with the band (bout time i posted something positive, yeah?), and my buddy p likes to come over and play on the drums, and i improv stuff on the bass. jazzy kinda stuff, or slap/pluck.

now, in the good ole days of playing by myself (that was by myself, not with myself, i still do that), my wife used to hate when i did slap/pluck (i can hear her now, "i didn't hate it, i just didn't really like it." yeah, she hated it.).

more recently, she says, "no, i kinda like it now, now it makes sense, it actually sounds like something. you've really improved." now, while i have improved, and will continue to improve, my slap and pluck has not changed whatsoever. because the other day when p was not over, i was doing slap/pluck, looked up, saw the wife with that look on her face, and said, "it's not really that i have improved, it's that ya gotta have the drums."

"yep" she says.

ever notice on the winnie the pooh stuff that it is just kanga and roo? now, tigger would, of course, be the first choice as roo's daddy, but since roo thinks of tigger as a brother, and kanga treats him like another son, i'm thinking no. but i did notice that roo resembles piglet just a little. now, who would've ever guessed that the shy little quiet one in the hundred acre wood would be the one to hook up with the only female in the area? must be bi, too, since i am more or less convinced that he and pooh are a couple. eeyore was always my personal favorite. i like to answer people's greetings with, "thanks for noticin' me." in my best blue depressed donkey impression.

how is it that 99.9% of the time i can walk around the house without any problem whatsoever, but that 0.1% of the time, i beat the holy hell out of some ultrasensitive part of my anatomy (head, elbow, toes)? how come i never bump my ass on some hard projecting piece of furniture? i think i could handle that.

it has occurred (sp on that one?) to me recently that i am oddly popular with the females at my work, especially the jailbait ones. er? i don't get this at all. i am the only guy there who is married, besides the general manager, there are others who are much better looking, and i'm old enough to at least biologically be some of the girls' father. maybe it is just the old high-school nerd me that doesn't get it, but i don't get it.

b? do you even read any of this? you said that if you saw the letter b, you would know it was you, but somehow i doubt you even come here. and eventually, i will need sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs back. thought i would just throw that in here just in case you do visit, now you're famous.

ok, enough for now i guess, and hopefully i will glean more from life as i pass through it sort of half-assed and mostly three sheets to the wind on sleep deprivation and caffiene.

darth sardonic

oh, and as an aside, we've changed our name from the dry hump all stars to anti-zen. has a little better ring to it. but dry hump all stars is fucking brilliant, someone should use that.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


ever get the feeling like everything is falling to shit all around you and you're too fucking stupid and sedated to even notice?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

thoughts for the new year

okay, i guess i am officially quitting smoking. everyone, and i mean everyfuckingbody around me is quitting, and i guess it's a sign from god, allah, mother earth, or whomever runs the show out there. so i smoked the last one of the pack i bought for new year's eve last night, and now it is official. so why the fuck did i want one so horribly bad earlier today? i can go literally months without one, but the instant i quit, i'm feenin hardcore.

i guess i picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. heh heh.

which makes me wonder why there are some things we never say we're quitting? you never hear, "i'm quitting driving. it's bad for the ozone, and i could die from it." how bout "i'm quitting breathing. all's i gotta do is make it through the first few minutes, and i'm outta the woods." nobody ever says, "i'm giving up talking. this is the last thing i am uttering." or "i'm done with computers. that's it, i'm so addicted to em, and i really just need to stop."

you never see any new year's resolutions like, "i am going to piss off absolutely everyone i talk to on an hourly basis." or "i'm not showering this entire year." i know from personal experience that after four days in the summer (longer i would guess, in the winter), even i am unable to withstand the funk that comes off of my body. my whiskers start to drive me nuts around that same time as well.

my resolutions, such as they are, are simple: i will start exercising on a daily basis as soon as no. 2 starts preschool (should be next week, yeah!!), and practicing the bass on a daily basis, and the drums as well. the guitar as well, but the main focus will be bass and drums.

am working on drawing, and saving money for, my next tat. artistic piece on the back. whee. gonna cost me a small fortune, but hey, it will be worth it.

also, i wonder why it is that when you're the happiest, things also get you down the most? someone wanna explain that one to me? been a fucking grumpy bastard most of the day. followed by bawling my eyes out to the terminal. yes, that's right. lots of sleep tonight hopefully. all the holiday late-nights and booze catching up with me, my droogs and only friends.

on that note, i will leave you. more news soon.

darth sardonic