Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Friend In Need...

When my life fell to shit around me, and I was too lost in the questioning why, the one guy who was really there to help me pick up the pieces and figure out where their new place would be was Jay (not his real name). Two or three times a week, Jay was 'round my tiny cell-block apartment, helping me hang pictures, taking my mind off of things, telling me to quit overthinking shit, and when he noticed I was drinking my evenings away, offering other solutions.

There was no kidding one evening where Jay brought over his acoustic bass, a bunch of sketch pads and pens and pencils, a big CD binder full of his movies, and I can't even tell you what all else to keep me occupied for a time without the added enhancer of alcohol.

A few months later, while I was alone, and feeling low, I watched Reign Over Me. An amazing movie, Adam Sandler's best ever. Something clicked in me in the course of the movie, and I realized that Jay was my Don Cheadle. The guy who was always there to stop me from being self destructive.

And because I am at the point in my life, O my beloved non-existent reader (only because Google says you are, mind you) where I say what I mean without worrying too much about how it will be taken, I tell Jay, "You are my Don Cheadle."

And because his is, in fact, my Don Cheadle, he knows what I am talking about.

There's been a few situations, as you can imagine, where reminding him in public that he is my Don Cheadle might come across as gay. And I feel bad. Cause the dude is just making sure I am ok, and shouldn't be thought of as homosexual as a result. He's just my best friend. (Which brings up a topic to be addressed in a post for another time, O my beloveds.)

So I see an advertisement for the latest Iron Man movie, and I get reminded that Don Cheadle plays Robert Downey Jr's sidekick.

So I tell him, as we walk down the beach, that I have a new meaning for Don Cheadle:  Iron Man's sidekick (not, btw, that Jay is a sidekick by any means, and also I am so fucking far removed from anything remotely resembling a superhero that the idea is completely absurd!), and fuck me gently with a chainsaw if Jay doesn't turn to me and casually say:

"I'm Ok with the Reign Over Me Don Cheadle reference."

I pray that all of you who stumble across this bit of shit tangled in the world wide web are as lucky with your friends as I am.

Thanks for playing along,

Darth Sardonic

PS-I want all my exes to quit fucking telling me how proud of me they are.  You know who's proud of me? Me!! That's fucking who's proud. You guys are just hangers on! Maybe someday I will see myself clear to explain what has happened and where all this vitriol comes from, but don't hold your breath O my droogs and only friends.

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Friday, April 19, 2013

Dear Diary

(I know, the title is stupid, it just seemed appropriate)

My wildest fantasy is to find a woman that loves me for me, and settle down. I know, but we ARE talking fantasy.

And while we're talking fantasy, fuck Nicholas Sparks, fuck Channing Tatum, fuck John Cusack. You want a guy who will stand in your yard in the driving rain holding a boombox after you dump him? Not me sister. I'll be piss drunk in my bed wondering what the fuck I ever saw in you in the first place, and how I allowed myself to hit this low spot in my life.

And figuring out how best to get past you, cause all I ever did was love you, and apparently that wasn't enough.

Constantly, all around us, we are bombarded with this idea of happily ever after. Prince Charming. Honey, I am the closest you'll ever get to Prince Charming, and I drink too much and am a bit of a bastard. Deal with it. Disney and that fucker from Coldplay are laughing all the way to the bank.

I'll tell you something, o my beloved non-existent readers that have truly become non-existent (and I know, cause Google is nice enough to tell me how many views I get and which posts are viewed), I've explored my sexual fantasies to great extent at one point in my life or another, and the truth is, nothing beats that connection I might have with just one woman who loves me the way I am.

N guys like John Cusack and any leading character from any Nick Sparks bit of shit just don't fucking exist, ladies. Sorry to be the asshole that breaks it to you.

Have a good one,