Thursday, October 28, 2004

if i made a movie

it's been the kind of day where i get bombarded by weird, non sequitur stuff all day, and now i've got an outlet...

if i made a movie, it would star steve buscemi, luis guzman, and joe pants as the lead guy roles. these guys get supporting roles up the yin yan, but i never see them in lead roles, and i think it's about fucking time. it would star heather graham, gwen stefani, and kate beckinsale as their girlfriends. these girls all appear on my "top 5 list", and most definitely would need to be in my movie(lets face it, making this movie and trying to get these ladies to be in it would be the only chance i would have of being in the same room with them, let alone get the opportunity to proposition one of them. and lets face it, i wouldn't probably have sex with any of them even then!!). kate beckinsale is only a "flavor-of-the-week" on my top 5, but she needs to be in a movie that doesn't include vampires and werewolves.

instead of blowing up houses and wrecking cars, every scene of major destruction would be replaced by a dialogue bit that would read: "in the next scene, there would've have been a three car pile-up involving a crown vic police car, a 66 ford mustang, and a 93 volvo wagon. these vehicles, rather than be destroyed, have been donated to the richmond family, of tallahassee, fl, the jackson family, of cincinatti, oh, and the kowalski family, of mobile, al, respectively."

at one point, it will appear that we have lost one of the main good guys in a fire or a freak accident, but you think he may still be alive to appear in the end of the movie and save the day, but sadly, he will actually be dead, and unable to help out his pals in their moment of need.

consequently, the bad guys will win. the good guys will have five minutes to save the day, but because they lost their comrade earlier, it will take them 6 to do whatever it was that needed to be done, and will lose. sorry, just trying to make it like real life.

OR: good can win, but so much horrible shit will befall the good guys, and that they will subsequently have to overcome, that you will feel utterly drained when they finally difuse the nuke or whatever. i.e., guzman will lose an arm and an eye. both buscemi's legs will be broken, and he will suffer a concussion. joe pants is dead. and he was the one with the pliars, so guzman will have to chew through the red wire to the bomb with his teeth! now, wouldn't you agree, maybe we were better off with evil winning?

and finally, somewhere in there, i want one of those "post-party-clean-up-as-the-parents-are-coming-home" scenes. you will see the parents pull into the drive. buscemi says, "shit, man!" this is followed by montage: mom gets out of car. shot of pants pouring cement to fix broken sidewalk and cracked foundation. dad straightens tie as he undoes seatbelt. guzman is rapidly washing mt. everest pile of dishes, all of which are growing penicillin. guzman is wearing dewrag and frilly apron. dad takes mom's hand as they start up walkway. buscemi is at car dealership negotiating replacement of dad's one-of-a-kind, pristine car. they have one that is an exact match. close-up of dad's hand on doorknob. buscemi, guzman, and pants leaping onto couch and grabbing video game controls. door opens, and buscemi says to parents as they enter door, "what took you so long, man?"

now i've really gotta run, i've gotta do my own little parody of the above paragraph before my wife gets home, cause i want the house to gleam, and i want to be in my chair with a book, looking like that's all i've been doing all day.

oh, and if they'll let me, the movie will be titled, "fustercluck", or maybe just "fuster", or, if not, "letters from the inner circle of hell", or maybe "fuzzy bunny larks about in the happy woods", i'm not sure.

darth sardonic

one more thought on gay marriage...

just a quick one folks, something that just occured to me and i don't wanna forget it.

the main reason that people are against same-sex marriages is that homosexuality is a sin, right? isn't adultery a pretty big sin too? why isn't any legislation being levied against men and women who have sex out of wedlock? or against married people who have affairs?

simple, most of our politicians would be doing hard time, that's why. probably even dubya (i'm not implying he sleeps around on his wife, but i bet somewhere along the line, he had sex with some people he wasn't married to!!)

so i think we should quit being such fucking hippocrites, cause again, you can't latch on to part of a dogma and accept it, without accepting the whole kit and kaboodle.

darth sardonic

Sunday, October 24, 2004

20 more reasons to hate bush jr.

okay, before i get started, let me just say that if you haven't figured out by now that "tomorrow" means "sometime before the week's over", then welcome for the very first time to my blog, and maybe you should read my back catalogue a little. to my faithful readers, yeah, i may not do it as quickly as i like, but i will do what i say.

again, writing credit does not go to me on this one, these are taken verbatim from the liner notes of "rock against bush vol. 1", with my own sarcastic comments appearing in parentheses.

21. bush jr. is the first president in u.s. history to enter office with a criminal record(!!!!!!!)
22. bush jr. has set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest a leader (10 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind.
23. he slashed funding to the violence against women act. (what a fucker!)
24. he has invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of one billion dollars per week.
25. he appointed charles pickering, a notorious segregationist from mississippi, as a federal judge and suspiciously did so on martin luther king day. (and i think dubya could grow himself a little toothbrush mustache, maybe wear some khaki uniforms...)
26. bush has spent over 100 billion on iraq, leaving states to face the largest budget crises in decades and forced to cut off public services; now with the federal deficit at a new high bush jr. wants to award more tax breaks to the wealthy. (it's okay though, cause all us losers thrown into poverty by dubya can join the military and get sent to die in iraq. yay!)
27. under new bush legislation (the clear skies initiative), power plants are allowed to emit triple the amount of highly-toxic mercury into the environment. (i like how they called it the "clear skies initiative". talk about your cruel irony. somewhere, bush is laughing his ass off.)
28. bush jr. failed to protect 3 million acres of the tongass national forest from logging. the tongass has the highest concentration of bald eagles on earth and has already lost 700 square miles to logging with 33 more logging permits pending. not even the sanctity of our endangered national bird can compete with bush campaign contributions provided by the forest industry. (shit, man, bush would drive up to ground zero, lower his britches, and piss on the memories of all those lost people if it would gain him a few more dollars!)
29. he is on pace to have taken more vacation than any president in history, including a 28-day vacation right before 9/11. bush jr. has taken 6 months of vacation in you know anyone that gets 6 months of vacation? (according to us news, in the first eight months of his presidency, 42% of it was spent on vacation. when one tv reporter said that numerous americans didn't understand how he could take so much vacation, he replied, "well, i guess they don't understand the meaning of 'hard work'". nope, guess not. i gotta actually do something for eight hours a day, five days a week, to get a measly week a year of paid vacation, if that!)
30. he pulled out of the kyoto agreement on global warming, which had been agreed upon by 178 other countries. (piss on ground zero for money, remember?)
31. bush jr. is endorsed by fundamentalist pat robertson who claims that god told him bush will win re-elelction and that "it doesn't make a difference what bush does because god is blessing him". bush keeps some great company, but keep in mind robertson was also the nitwit that blamed the 9/11 attacks on gays and suggested that we "nuke" the u.s. state department. (wonder if robertson would feel that it made no difference what bush did if bush was fucking robertson's wife? or his son?! i think he might not.)
32. he set the record for most executions by any governor in american history. 152 in total; some of whom were mentally disabled. (that's our president bush, "fuck everybody!")
33. has repeatedly stonewalled the public investigation into 9/11. (that's because they would find out he has business ties to the bin laden family, and that a company the board of which he chairs was one of the few that stood to profit from 9/11! more on that "tomorrow")
34. bush jr. declined to fully fund the aids initiative after promising to do so. the final cuts the resulted were over $2 billion. (but, in all fairness to bush, this is the kind of bullshit that politicians do.)
35. he still suggests that homosexuals are "sinners" and is pushing legislation that would forbid gay partnerships and deny fundamental civil rights on a national and local level. (maybe you buy into homosexuals being "sinners"(i don't), but then you would have to agree that murderers, thieves, and liars are all "sinners" also, right? so tell bush, "let he among you who is without blemish cast the first stone." (jesus christ). fuckin' two-faced hippocritical prick! (darth sardonic)
36. choked on a pretzel and nearly lost his life while seated in front of a tv. (would that he had lost his life--no, wait, scratch that. that would've put dickhead cheney in charge of this country, and he's no better than dubya.)
37. bush jr. has gone to great lengths to prevent investigations of his friends at enron and halliburton. more time and money was spent investigating the monica lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. (all i can say is: WHAT THE FUCK?!?)
38. bush jr. has set the record for the fewest amount of press conferences by a president since the advent of television. (spent too much time choking on pretzels in front of one, i guess. what the hell do we pay this guy for, anyway?)
39. responsible for a 521 billion dollar budget deficit--less than 4 years after inheriting a 200 billion dollar surplus. (and if it wasn't for bin laden family money, this guy would've run every business he owned into the ground, so we're really surprised that he fucked up our budget?)
40. he has made repeated attempts to legalize oil drilling in the national wildlife refuge. (the long and the short of it is, bush jr. is just a fucking asshole who is a moron, a horrible business man, and an egotistical prick with a god complex, who tramples on everything that most of us hold sacred or important.)

"tomorrow" heh heh, i will get into what can only be described as bordering on a conspiracy theory between the bin ladens (though in all fairness, not osama himself) and bush and 9/11.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

20 reasons to hate bush jr...

i cannot accept writing credit for these, they are taken verbatem from the the liner notes of "rock against bush vol 1."(i'll add smartass comments in parentheses)

1. the national debt under bush jr. has increased so drastically that the average american's estimated share of national debt will be an astronomical $24,000--compared to $500 when dubya first took office.
2. under bush hr. there are now 43 million americans with no health insurance.
3. responsible for an unemployment rate of 6%. there are now 9 million people out of work in america--3.3 million more than when bush took office.
4. he cut healthcare benefits for war veterans. (this one really pisses me off. he sends young men and women off to die in a useless war, and benefits for the ones who come home tore up are cut to almost nothing!)
5. bush jr. deserted his unit during vietnam and was reportedly awol for over a year from his assigned unit: the texas air national guard, or as it's referred to by other military outfits, the "champagne division". (i have the skinny on this one, he was suspended for failing to show up for a mandatory physical exam. but cocaine was illegal then, and they might've noticed, right? also, supposedly, he was campaigning for his father. i should run for office of some kind and convince my wife's unit i need her help for a year. i may not win, but i would definitely catch up on sleep, and i hear aruba is nice this year...)
6. despite a 13% unemployment rate among those aged 16-24, bush jr. proposed to eliminate youth opportunity grants--a program that provides job training to the nation's youth. a $225m program in 2002 is now being done away with so bush can have more money for iraq.(bush is for the family, yeah right! fucker!!)
7. he cut funding for 375,000 low income college students and reduced pell grant amounts to such a severe degree that it effectively caused 84,000 students to no longer be eligible for pell grants. pell amounts have been overall reduced for 1.5 million's safe to say that the bush daughters aren't eleigible for financial aid, so this won't affect the opulent lives of anyone bush jr. may know. (but it affects the lives of numerous people i know!)
8. withdrew from the international criminal court.
9. first president in us history to refuse united nations election inspectors (during the 2002 u.s. elections).
10. all-time u.s. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
11. the bush administration had twice as many fbi agents fighting the drug war than fighting terrorism prior to 9/11. even after 9/11, more than 2,000 fbi agents are wasting their valuable time assigned to the war on drugs.
12. his proposed "free trade" agreements would result in the loss of u.s. jobs to foreign markest and the exploitation of third world workers. (someone once sent me a forward about kerry being tied to foreign jobs through the heinz corporation. yeah, well, my shirts, turns out, are made in mexico and indonesia, as i imagine most of your clothes are as well. an interesting point is that dubya owns stock, and sits on the board of a multinational conglomerate that was one of the few companies that stood to benefit from 9/11. cheney is the president of another.)
13. john ashcroft. (omfg! i could go on and on about this fucking two-week-old fuckstain, and his disregard for the lives of others in foriegn countries, foriegn policy, or anything not related to the bible or dubya. this boy is one of the worst offenders for making u.s. citizens look like we are above any law or protocol in this world, because god will vindicate us. woa, sounds a little like osama bin laden and the al queida, huh?)
14. he has takend 11 official executive actions to undermine reproductive long will it be before a woman is stripped of her right to choose? (don't ya know? in the bible, women are only baby-machines, and are subject to their husbands wants and desires at all times.)
15. failed to fulfill pledge to get osama bin laden "dead or alive" (didn't even send enough troops. turns out there's more cops in manhatten than troops in afghanistan. and he could've detained bin laden family members in the us after 9/11, for questioning, but sent them home instead--matter of fact, there is so much shit related to this that i will need to dedicate a blog to it alone.)
16. wasted feceral resources on a pr trip to baghdad where he staged a thanksgiving meal at 6 am with troops that were screened based on their political affiliation. and the turkey? it was a prop. (!!!--oh, he's talking about the thanksgiving dinner being fake. i thought he was referring to our president!)
17. his refusal to fire--or even reprimand--lt. general jerry "our god is bigger than their god" boykin. perhaps it's because boykin said of the president "george bush was not elected by a majority of voters in the united states. he was appointed by god. he's in the white house because god put him there." (apparently al gore is the antichrist)
18. after sending troops off to die in an unjust and unprovoked war, he still has yet to attend any soldiers' funerals.
19. his shameless nepotism for the rich and powerful. elizabeth cheney (daughter of ol' dick) got hooked up with a cool gig at the state department where she was in charge of the $129 million middle east partnership initiative and then was moved over to daddy and uncle dubya's campaign payroll.
20. he dropped his dog on its head.

more tomorrow.

spread the word, something needs to change, and quick!

darth sardonic

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

the bachelor life

well, okay. the title is a little misleading, for two reasons: 1) if i was really living the bachelor life, i would probably not have kids, which may seem like a minute detail, but wait and see how it plays in. and 2) if i was really living the bachelor life, i would be out nearly every night trying to get laid. (i know, it's gross, but let's face it, the majority of us think about that very thing, or something related, an incredible amount!)

so, actually, it's more like i'm living a temporary bachelor existance with some of the fun things surgically removed.

and now that you're completely lost, "let me splain. no, there is too much, let me sum up."

my wife left for a couple days to portland to be with her sister(hey, sarah jane, glad everything went well!), while she had surgery to remove tumor(see for more info).

of course, i am missing her terribly(she comes home tonight), but before she leaves, i say, "cool, i'll use the extra time to get the house all clean, do laundry, and hang some more pictures(we're very nearly done unpacking and putting everything away, yay!), and by the time you come home, everything will be clean and polished and shiny like a new quarter."

this may still, possibly be the case.

i spent day one thinking, "i've got two days, no mad rush." so she left that night, and i ended up staying up until after ten with my boys, who will not sleep. then i sleep for roughly two hours, after which no. 2 wakes up, screaming, wailing, thrashing, and i have to rock him and hold him for two motherloving HOURS, during which, no. 1 wakes up, and would normally climb into bed with me, only i'm not there. i spend part of this time trying to drop off a now-asleep no. 2 in his crib, but every time i try to get out of the room, his eyes fly open, and he looks at me as if to say, "leave this room and i'll fucking freak out!"(and yes, my kids, when they talk in my head, cuss. so did both the cats i owned. more than i do even. i'm not sure why.). finally, we are returned to sleep, and the no. 1, who got the most sleep, wakes up at 8:00 am.

now, i have a theory. if you get two hours of sleep, and get woke up for a half-hour, get two hours of sleep, and get woke up for a half-hour, and get two hours of sleep, you would think that should be six hours of sleep, right? well, my theory is, and i'm hoping to get a government grant to prove it soon(and why not? they give money to looney bastards to see which mattress better absorbs the impact of a bowling ball, right? or how much red kool-aid a certain lab rat must drink before it dies of cancer, or embarassment at having wet its pants so copiously), that each hour before the sleep pattern gets interrupted counts for only 15 minutes of actual sleep. based on that theory, i got about 3 hours of sleep the first night.

which means i didn't even get out of my pj's yesterday until about 6:00 pm. it also means i didn't get shit done, until about that same time. add to that that the first day i managed to eat lunch and completely forget dinner, and yesterday i didn't eat or drink anything except copious amounts of coffee, until six.

at six, it was like i looked around, and snapped out of my funk, and was suddenly infused with a big shot of crystal meth. can you be infused with a shot of crystal meth? i don't know. never tried the stuff. i don't like running around all energetic under normal circumstances, why would i take substances into my body that make me be energetic and wound up? well, cept coffee, but i can control that. and i can quit any time.

i know, i know, I KNOW, just fucking get on with it, darth!! yeah, i know.

so, on what i like to call "nervous energy", i lifted myself out of my seat, got dressed, ran around cleaning up while constantly making fun of whatever was on tv to myself and for no one else's benefit (i do that when i'm so tired i'm wired), and made myself dinner. sloppy joes and creamed corn. nothing but the very best of bachelor food for me and my brood. essentially, i got the house to a point where today, i should be able to accomplish whatever is left to do. i also got the kids to bed a little earlier, though, as it turned out, this didn't really matter, as no. 2 still woke up alot.

but today i'm gonna knuckle down (or knucklehead, you decide), though i'm obviously still tired, as you can see from the rambling, stream of concious manner in which i have written. and if i don't finish everything i wanted to accomplish, i'll at least get close before my wife gets home. i'm already dressed, as a matter of fact, and in clean clothes, too!!

deep breath, and say "anywaaaaayz!!"

and a bajillion dollars (cause you guys don't even try and play these games with me anymore unless you can google the answers, ya losers! just kidding. i suck. sorry.) to the person who can guess the movie reference in this blog.

darth sardonic

Friday, October 15, 2004

gay marriage

remember, becoming canadian is an option.

this past weekend, my wife and i went down to portland to spend time with my sister-in-law, and mother-in-law. i saw a huge amount of bumper stickers that said, "one man, one woman, yes on 36". i guess measure 36 is an amendment to oregon's constitution making same-sex marriages illegal.

now, the biggest arguments against gay marriage that i have heard have all been religious, and not, i might add, a representation of the majority of all religions, just the "moral majority". (and if i was linda richman, i would say, "the moral majority is neither moral, nor the majority, discuss!")

the sad-but-true is that this is a civil rights issue. once upon a time, women were not allowed to vote, african americans were not allowed to vote, they weren't even allowed to drink from the same water fountain.

gay couples (and i know a few, and they've all been married longer than the majority of marriages in christian churches that i know of) only want the same things that my wife and i have come to think of as our rights as a married couple. if i pass away, all my insurance and belongings etc automatically go to my wife. it's not something she will have to fight for, she's considered my next of kin. if one of my friends m and g passes, god forbid, and they own a business together, who gets it? under the current thinking, i'm not sure that the other would get what they were due. medically, my wife can make decisions on my behalf. legally, my wife can make decisions on my behalf. my wife and i get a discount on insurance because we're married. marriage is little more than a legal document, really, when you think about it. now, i know, the christian right-wingers are running around saying that marriage is an institution of god. maybe so, but which one? people were getting married in japan while the isrealites were still making bricks for the egyptians. people were getting married in india, and i'm pretty sure their gods could give a rat's red ass about homosexuals, matter of fact, i think it was encouraged if it was the thing that gave you pleasure. so which god, since people have been getting married for as long as we have had recorded history, with disregard for geographical location or religious preference?

and not all religions feel the way christians do about homosexuals. not even all the christian sects feel that way. so why would we make a blanket decision based on one religious way of thinking? this country was founded on seperation of church and state, and if we toss that away, we will find that we are like the countries of the middle east(i pick that comparison, since those are the people we're currently being told to hate--when we're not hating gays).

and now let me tackle the last argument, that marriage is a "sacred and ancient" union between a man and a woman. read your bible. how many wives did solomon have? when abraham's wife wasn't bearing him a son, he had sex with her handmaid. this happened alot actually, in the old testament, which is the same part of the bible that is most against homosexuality(there are only a couple of references in the new testament, and none of them are quoted from jesus himself). you can't pick parts of the bible to agree with, and throw the rest out. if it is going to be your rock, then you gotta stick by it. the problem is you don't fcuking read it! you let a pastor, or preacher, or reverend, or whoever, who is no doubt a little power-mad, tell you what he sees, and you take his word for it. but i digress. not only is marriage a cloudy, and unclear thing in the bible, it is a nebulous thing if you follow it through it's "ancient" history. royalty frequently married first cousins to keep the bloodline pure. this is currently illegal. many men throughout history (not just the aforementioned old testament prophets) have had more than one wife. this is currently illegal in our country as well. in greece, young men married themselves to older, wealthier men to learn a trade. in great britain, there is a looney fucker i saw on the news who is married to his horse! so if you're going to talk about the sacred and ancient edifice of marriage between a man and a woman, then you only make yourself look like an idiot to those of us who know a little history.

and how is my marriage lessoned, or affected if someone who lives in another town, or across the street, or even right fucking next door wants to marry someone of the same sex? their marriage has fuck-all to do with mine. so i say, let them be happy, and if getting married will make them happy, then by god(and yes, i said "by god"--who would like us all to be happy!), let them! it's not hurting me, or you, or anyone else for that matter.

and that's all i've got to say 'bout that.

darth sardonic

Thursday, October 07, 2004

new music sucks, part two

i have liked the radio station known round this area as "the end" since they got their beginning. i have faithfully listened anytime i was back within reception area.

until now.

recently, "the end" made a music declaration, or some such nonsense. one of the manifesto-like statements says "we will play all the good songs on an album, not just the hit singles." okay, here's why that one isn't true. the only song i know by interpol is "slow hand". the only songs i know by the killers are the two that get played and played and played on the radio. if i hadn't seen a concert of the yeah yeah yeahs on tv, i wouldn't know any of their other songs, besides the "they-don't-love-you-like-i-love-you" song.

another of the declarations states, "we will not keep playing the same songs over and over again." aaannnt! wrong! we're sorry, the answer we were looking for was: the other day, i had occasion to spend roughly six hours listening to the radio in the car. in that six hours, i heard interpol's "slow hand" twice. i heard the new(boring) song by the killers, twice. what's funny about that is recently they wanted us, the listener, to vote on the songs we wanted to hear on the end. so they played their entire catalogue, in alphabetical order, back-to-back. 1200 songs. that's right, ladies and gents, your ears and eyes do not decieve you. 1200 fucking songs! and apparently not a good one in the bunch, because they had to break a rule of their own constitution to play two new songs twice within a six-hour period.

what i find even funnier is, as they played those 1200 songs, i heard songs i love that i've rarely or never heard on the end. "stamp" by hagfish. those fuckers have a copy of "stamp" and aren't playing it more?!? "bela lugosi's dead" which is, of course, the only song they have by bauhaus. the only joy division song they have is "love will tear us apart" and they don't play that one nearly enough. i didn't hear anything by new order, and lots of stuff by depeche mode that they never play. they have a handful of smiths tunes, but i only hear "how soon is now?" which is, in my opinion, not one of the better ones. so they have all this good music, and we get an hourly dose of pearl jam, nirvana, alice in chains, and/or soundgarden. now, don't get me wrong, i love all those bands, alot. but, c'mon, man, when you've got songs ranging all over the alternative scene, and you call yourself an alternative station, then play them. it should be noted here that they have nothing by fugazi or minor threat, only one song by ministry, nothing by front 242 or skinny puppy, jesus and the mary chain, midge ure, the exploited, and only one song by black flag.

and nearly all the new music they play sounds like coldplay. end of story.

but i happen to know that there are bands out there that are good. that are influenced by the old alternative bands. that, at least in my worthless opinion, are the future of alternative music. bands like thrice, poison the well, atreyu, taking back sunday, and the mother of all cool-ass new bands, thursday. yet these guys get absolutely no air play on the end at all!

so, no, not all new music sucks, but, to paraphrase matt dillon's character in "singles", i ask, "where is the 'jeremy' for our time? where is the 'new dawn fades', the 'smothered hope', the 'she's in parties' of our youth?"

well, the answer can be found within "understanding in a car crash". or "cigarette machine" (tee hee, i couldn't resist!)

darth sardonic

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

new music, and why it sucks...

recently, a song came on the radio (for those of you as know, we listen to "the end"--which must mean "the end of good music", but more on that later.), and i turned to my wife and said, "hey, isn't this a new song by keen? no, wait. uh, snow patrol, right? no, uh uh, hang on, train. wait, no, five for fighting. nope, that's not it, it's gotta be modest mouse, right? right?"

my wife turned to me, gave me "that look", and said, "it's coldplay."

of course it is. now, i have already established that i kinda like coldplay. and it should be further explained that i like the respective songs that each of the aforementioned bands gets played on the radio. i even own a whole album by one of them(fifty bucks to the person who correctly guesses which, and coldplay doesn't count, they are actually my wife's cd's--and yes, i know that i still owe a blog where i expound and extoll(is that even the word?) the virtues of sarah jane and nico for having successfully googled codiene, i'm getting there eventually!)) but everyone sounds kinda like coldplay, which i have already said sound to me like watered-down radiohead.

now, there is a fucking band! remember "creep"? that jicka-jicka distorted guitar?! but not just that, underneath those earbloodying chords, there was a pretty melody, sorta sad, and a little angry. if you bought the album and listened to it, you found out in the original, he wasn't saying "you're so very special", he was saying "you're so fucking special" badass! he wasn't whining about how badly he sucked and how awesome she was, he was pissed about it! and if you listened to the whole album, it was all like that, beautiful, sad, angry melodies, layered in angry distorted guitars. there wasn't a bad song in the bunch. now, as for "the bends" and "ok computer", well, they're not bad, they just don't have it like "pablo honey" did.

now everybody sounds like these guys. or like they are unsuccessfully trying to sound like these guys. and that is the beginning of why new music sucks.

but it is later than i thought, and i must go out and smoke my nightly cigarette and toddle off to bed, so tomorrow i will tell you why "the end" is more like "the end of good music".

night all,

darth sardonic

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


my wife and i have a love/hate relationship with ikea. we love the furniture, we love that it's easy to transport, that you can buy decent(if not extravagant, at least decent) furniture there cheaply, and in most cases, we love the furniture. (some of that shit is just too modern and angular and sparse even for us!)

but as a general rule, we hate the people there.

now, i don't mean the workers. they are always very friendly and helpful, and remind me alot of myself. i mean the other shoppers.

sunday we went, because we needed a few things for the new house, and could get something we'd be happy with and could afford there. we barely get parked and already i feel it washing over me like a hot wave of anger. the shiny black accord that has just pulled into the space beside ours vomits its occupants. they consist of: two girls(i say girls, cause they looked not a day over 15, both of them), sized 0 and 2, respectively, one dressed in a kickin' little hoodie from ambercrummie & felch and jeans that were hanging onto her ass for dear life(as well they should, for they were barely on her hips at all--the space created by the sheer lowness of her waistband completely smooth and flat), and flip flops that probably cost more than my entire outfit, her little french-manicured toes making me want to yakk. the other dressed in a nicer ensem, black button-down top and matching capris. 0 and 2 both looked to be pressed from the same mold, blonde highlights, matching light lip gloss, it just looked like they wanted to not look exactly the same, so one dressed up, the other down. the other two occupants of the car also appeared to be pressed from a similar mold. two one-year old girls(yes, the two 15 year-olds with flawless tummies apparently are either babysitting someone's kids and dragging them shopping to ikea, or they were actually moms) with matching ponies on the top of their head, and polished skin. yes, polished skin. these kids shone like fucking waxed apples. and they had not a drop of drool on them, or a speck of dirt, or a wiff of poo or pee. i nearly lost my lunch again when i hear the little babies' names: brittney and haley. gag. i am actually jamming my finger down my own throat as i type this. (which makes it pretty hard to type, actually, so i'm gonna stop)

so i turn to my wife and say (because, apparently, in another life i was either a woman or gay), "is it okay to hate those two?" to which my wife replied, "oh, absolutely".

and this became a running theme throughout our shopping. wife: "is it okay to hate her?"(indicating middle-aged european-looking woman(who's probably never been to europe!) wearing a goofy scarf knotted around her neck) me: "him?"(indicating twentysomething guy with a beard carefully tailored to look scruffy, and carhartt pants and t-shirt that have never seen a grease stain or paint drop or sharp, snagging nail) wife: "her?"(lady in sunglasses, taller than chewbacca, talking on cell phone in italian. i think her name was anne (either Nerexia or Noying, you pick--my vote is on nerexia, i could've snapped her in half with my bare hands)) me: "them?"(mom-and-daughter team. daughter looked like she bought one of everything at hot topic, and tried to wear most of it that day. mom wearing too-small, unseasonable top to better accent her phd-enhanced cleavage--and i don't mean she had a phd, i mean the person who enhanced her cleavage does)

and so our shopping experience was enhanced by some simple people watching. i recommend you get together with some of your favorite friends, go someplace where there's sure to be plenty of fodder, and go to it. you'll feel better when you're done.

we did.

darth sardonic