Saturday, November 28, 2009

facebook friends

i was chatting with a high-school buddy yesterday on facebook. again, how cool is this shit that i can reconnect with people i essentially blew off without a look back some twenty years ago and chat as if i wasn't a massive dickhead back then and just disappeared off the face of the earth.

very cool.

anyways, i added his blog to my "pals" list, and he posted a very eloquent bit about our conversation which i really dug.

i, for one, am not feeling particularly eloquent today, so i am foregoing the beautiful prose here.

what else has been going on in my life since last i posted something of worth on this little fly-speck on the world wide web?

well, let's see. this semester of school draws to a close, and i will be happy when it's done. it's not much fun to have four essays, two of which are term projects, and one of which is a final all due at the same time.

unless something major falls to hell between now and then, i will still be pulling a 4.0 at semester's close.

when this semester is done, i only have one more general education class and the rest are the technical/drawing classes, which i am quite stoked about.

about a month or so ago, as i was waiting for my turn to go in the parking lot of the college, i watched a lumbering low-brow mouth-breather of a kid get into his massive suv beside me, put his vehicle in reverse, and without so much as a backwards glance cave my passenger side door in in slow motion.

this is the second time in my life that some brainpan, someone who has lived their entire existence like an idiot mr magoo; surviving only by sheer dumb luck and the herculean efforts of others, has put their vehicle in reverse and backed into me without bothering to at least check a rearview mirror while i sat helplessly with my mouth agape in disbelief. i think i would be within my right to have clubbed both these morons (the lady who did it in alaska got out her car and actually said, "this is the second time this has happened to me!" (?!!!!?)) like baby seals, and the world might've been a better place for it.

but back to the story at hand: so my passenger side door is now more dent than door. and i am not exaggerating. the outside panel of the door actually met the inside panel of the door. the only thing that kept this kid from pushing my door even further in was at this point my car resisted the attack of his car, and he finally realized he was backing into something (yes, the synapses and reflexes of a well-trained ninja, this one.)

of course it is totalled. now, it still runs beautifully and everything, and with a replacement door on there, it would be fine again. but here's the rub, o my beloved non-existent readers, my droogs and only friends, my old interceptor has a seriously terminal case of cancerous rust, and ugly flaking paint to boot. so replacing the door would be like doing an elective nose job on a patient that has only a few months to live.

so i scrapped it and set about buying a new interceptor to replace the old one. so now i have a newer ('95, last one was a '93) silver (i know, i will paint it black with red trim someday) rust-free interceptor (you may know them as lincoln mark viii's, but i assure you, if mad max was driving the post-apocalyptic wasteland in the 90's here in the states, this is the car he would choose) with black interior that is nicer than the other's, and a moonroof as well. i am quite pleased.

the kids continue to do well and improve in school.

and not much else has really happened i guess. i am officially a published author, but i myself am completely unable to buy the book, as well as the majority of my friends and family as it is still impossible to buy the book from anywhere outside the uk. they insist they will have that remedied soon, so i will keep you posted.

darth sardonic

Labels: , , ,

Monday, November 23, 2009

Safty tips

Safty tip 1 Never StanD on a Swivil Chahr.

(i wonder laconically if this is from no. 1's personal experience getting into the halloween candy as i see the above sentence on a piece of homework. the rest of the "paper" is more standard fair: don't sit "wonG" on a chair, don't touch "ElatCraty" or you will most likely be shocked. then he finishes up with "StN4 NeVer Be a thieff." seems like good advice to me. the drawing of his thief has abnormally large ears and no mask, not sure what that means exactly.)

darth sardonic

Labels: , , ,

Friday, November 13, 2009

the unfinished work

my first novel writing endeavor is finally available. The Unfinished Work can be purchased for nine pounds sterling at you have to scroll quite a ways down the page, and it doesn't have any glitz or glam to make it stand out, but it is there o my beloved non-existent readers, my faithful tireless droogs and only friends. finally.

i am going to see if i can post the link in my sidebar as well and on facebook too and anywhere else that i can think of, but there you have it.

i'm honestly a still in shock a little lol.

darth sardonic


Wednesday, November 11, 2009

finally, a funny (well, i hope so anyways, guess i will find out from your comments) post about my kids...

"what are you doing?!?"

my oldest stands in the middle of the living room, watching wile e. coyote and roadrunner in their eternal struggle (a quintessential piece of both my wife's and my childhood onto which we have recently turned our children and to which they have taken a great liking, much to our enjoyment) with his recently-shorn head shining in the light leaking through the blinds (there was an "accident" between a pair of scissors and his bangs at school, the result of which was daddy with a set of clippers on the lowest setting on the front porch with the wind blowing away the tufts of liberated locks and daddy using a passel of his favorite words with his voice set to "stern") and fully a half of his arm crammed down the back of his pants.

"what are you doing?!?"

"my butt itches."

i hear my wife choke off a laugh behind me and turn to mean-mug her for one second whilst also trying to maintain my military bearing.

"does it itch on the outside? or between the cheeks?" she asks, as i marvel at the things we find ourselves saying as parents without a trace of irony that we would never have in our wildest dreams guessed we would ever say before having progeny.

he stands, round face blank and brown eyes wide, his shoulder nearly dislocated and (i can only figure in some sick and twisted inner room of my ridiculous imagination) his hand working overtime, and replies: "between."

more spits and sputters from behind me as i say, "well it just means you didn't do a very good job of wiping. come with me. and get your hand out of your pants!"

we march up the stairs, and he heads off to his bathroom, assuming of course that that is where i am going to aid him in fixing his situation.

"no, over here."

a look of wonderment crosses his face. it is rare that the boys get to enter our inner sanctum of a master bedroom, but he is about to cross the threshold of the holiest of holies, the master bath.

"now," i say, "just because you now know where these are, and because i am giving you one now does NOT mean you are allowed to sneak in here and use them willy-nilly. got it?"

"got it."

and i break out our special stash of medicated wipes.

he is still standing taking in what must appear, to him at least, to be the lap of luxury when it comes to toilettes: brightly-colored bottles containing a plethera of soaps, the nice towels, make-up, beard trimmers that look sleek and shiny like a muscle car, shelves lined with glass jars containing q-tips and make-up removal pads.

"drop your pants and sit on the potty."

it seems ludicrous to refer to such a porcelain shiny work of art as our commode with such a juvenile word as "potty" so it takes him a moment to comply.

"now, use this to wipe your bum."

he does, and then holds it out and looks at is as if he is shocked at what he has found.

"keep going, do a good job."


again, he seems surprised, as if he has discovered a small beetle in what would otherwise be an antiseptic and pristine hospital room.

"think you got it?"

"yes, i think so."

"toss that in there and wash your hands."

dreamy-eyed, he runs the tap and puts his hands under it, and almost giggles as i dispense some liquid soap that smells of lavender from an old-time apothecary looking bottle into his damp palm.

"what's that?" he asks in amazement.


"what kinda soap?"

"just pretty-smelling hand soap."

"oh, it is pretty."

"dry off your hands."

he giggles some more as he says, starry-eyed, "look at all the bubbles."

and indeed, there is a small pile of soap bubbles slowly popping and working its way down the drain.

"dry off."

who knows what stories he will relate to his younger sibling of what the bathrooms in heaven are like. who can guess what magical and fantastical things he can't even begin to comprehend currently dance around in his head. what avarice, what luxury, what dreams made flesh.

and all because a small bit of shit didn't get properly wiped up.

darth sardonic

ps, happy veteran's day to everyone. thanks to those that serve, regardless of what country you may have served.

Labels: , ,

Monday, November 09, 2009

ok i have fucking had it--scathing rant

before you read this post, read the last one i just left about the tea party express people. i just posted it because yet again these motherfuckers have spammed me with email surreptitiously asking me for donations. this post is also fueled by the hate-mongering i see on the news after the tragedy at ft hood and in general the kinda shit i have been hearing around this country lately.

ok, and here goes:

there is no "us" and "them." there is no "black" and "white." there is no "right" or "wrong." i have said it once, and will say it again and again and fucking again till someone puts a bullet in the back of my head, and if i have any pull with the big man spinning the galaxy, i will continue to say it in a spectral post-mortem voice from beyond the grave:

we are e pluribus motherfucking unum. "of the many, one." it's printed right on the fucking money next to "in god we trust" which every right-wing bible thumper will quite loudly and adamantly insist remains there and furthermore upon which our country (according to these zealots anyhow) was founded.

it doesn't say "of the many, one" in english, i might add, but in latin. as far as i know, we don't have an official language, but if we were gonna say we did, latin wouldn't be it. but there you have it, our very money is bilingual.

not all muslims are terrorists. not all terrorists are muslim (we seem to have forgotten in more recent years, but there have been all kinds of terrorists, some of which had no religious ties whatsoever). not all christians are assholes who think that everyone is gonna fry if they don't accept jesus into their hearts and return daily prayer to school and put a devout christian into the presidency and return this country to the bible-influenced world power that the founding fathers wanted it to be (oh and btw, the founding fathers wanted it to be e pluribus unum, not christian, or all white, or all english-speaking. the founding fathers wanted us to fucking compromise and get along. give a little, take a little.) not all people who aren't christian are bad people, or even misguided people, or even the kind of person whose values are that different from your own. not all conservatives are rush-limbaugh loving cunts. not all liberals are socialist subversive twats who are trying to destroy everything this country stands for. not all people who rally with the tea party express idiots are patriots. not all people who write scathing blogs denouncing the pocket-lining money-grubbing tea party express idiots are unpatriotic. not all soldiers are good. not all soldiers are bad.

we are e pluribus unum. of the many, one. remember? right after 9/11, when we were lost and confused and more scared than we had ever been since pearl harbor, the tv was running commercials geared towards uniting us as a country again. and people of all races and creeds would say, e pluribus unum. unless you are native american (and if you are, can i just say i am really really sorry for what the people who initially colonized this country did to you) then you are as much an outsider in this country as anyone who speaks broken english. only the native americans (i am including the native alaskans and hawaiians in that too) were here. everyone else floated, boated, swam, flew, scuttled, lied, stowed-away, rode bound in chains against their will in the belly of a ship, or in some other manner phanagled their way into this country. i don't give a fuck who you are, or what your color is: somewhere in your background, you have an ancestor who found himself/herself on the shores of this continent, scratching his/her ass and wondering, "what the fuck i do now?"

and i will say again, the problem with the country is this "us" and "them" mentality: the conservatives who think liberals are what's wrong with this country. the liberals who think the conservatives are what's wrong with this country. (an interesting side-note: in the start of this country, when george washington was president, the founding fathers were dead set against having "factions" or what we now call "political parties." so if you really wanna get down to the brass tacks of what the country was founded on, we'd do away with "conservative" and "liberal" completely.) the whites who think minorities are what's wrong with this country. the minorities who think whites are what's wrong with this country. the christians who hate the muslims. the muslims who hate the christians. the people who think that everyone should only and always speak english. the "patriots" who denounce the "unpatriotic" and vice versa.

and in closing, i would just like to say; if you buy into the "us" and "them" mentality, if you think that one specific group of people or beliefs are wrong and should be done away with or kicked out of our country, if you think you are "right" and everyone else who doesn't agree with your way of thinking is "wrong," then maybe you should find another country to live in. there are plenty out there that would probably agree with you, and where you would fit in just fine.

e pluribus unum, o my beloved non-existents, my patient and faithful few. this includes anyone who would work to make the united states of america a better place in some kinda way, regardless of what language they speak, what color their skin is, where and/or how they worship, and what traditions they choose to follow from some other land they left to join here in our melting pot.

and yes, it even includes the tea party express folks, who i sincerely hope honestly think they are doing a good service, though i just suspect they are your average run-of-the-mill capitalists making a fast buck.

darth sardonic

Labels: ,

and i redirected these guys into my spam folder...

i wasn't kidding when i said these guys would be glad to take your money. this time i just copied the whole goddamn email. oh, and if the video is supposed to put the fear of god in you then, well, something was seriously lacking. unless you're mortally afraid of guys with handlebar mustaches and baseball caps, or yellow "don't tread on me" flags, or giant metal barns where they hold livestock auctions. and i sorta resent the implication that because i aint emptying my bank account for these stupid fucking cunts that i am not a patriot. forget that i shook every one of the hands of the air force and army guys i saw at dfw who were on their way to iraq and tried not to choke up when i said "thanks!" wtf are these motherfuckers doing for their country? not a motherfucking shitlick thing. you know why? cause they are too busy rounding up our donations and driving to the next fucking redneck town to convince more stupid twats to part with their money in favor of some nebulous "cause" that clearly has shite to do with anything at all that affects any real person's life in any way.

Nancy Pelosi, Barack Obama and the liberal media keep insisting the tea party movement is irrelevant - and that it has fizzled. They think they can just conduct 'business as usual.' The video below proves them WRONG!

It's from the Tea Party Express rally in Branden, Mississippi last night. THOUSANDS of people packed the venue - it was an overflow crowd that packed the bleachers above spilled out onto the performing grounds of the Rankin County Multi-Purpose Arena.

Watch this video - and forward it along to every patriot you know who needs to see that our movement is growing and we are going to take our country back!



Please do what you can to come out and join us for one of the remaining Tea Party Express rallies - here's the schedule:

And you can help us make our final week of rallies even bigger, and help us defeat government-run healthcare by making a donation to the Tea Party Express.

Whether $25, $50, $100, $500 or any amount up to $5,000 (the maximum allowed contribution) we'd appreciate whatever donation you can make.

You can make a contribution - HERE.

You can also support our efforts by mailing in a contribution to our headquarters:
Our Country Deserves Better Committee
ATTN: Tea Party Project
770 L Street #1020
Sacramento, CA 95814