Wednesday, June 29, 2005

the president asks us to be patient...

and i'd like to ask the president to kiss my hairy ass. actually, that's putting it lightly.

my little online news blurb says the president is asking us to be patient, that he can see a clear path to victory in iraq.

let me begin by saying that mr. bush's eyes are too close together and of a "shifty" and "beady" nature for him to see his own penis for a piss clearly, and follow that up by asking, "how many fucking times are we going to hear the word 'victory' attached to what is becoming nothing less than an atrocity in iraq?"

today, i had a wic (woman infant child) appointment. wic gives out checks for free milk and cereal to parents of young children who fall into a certain financial bracket, shall we say. (the between-the-lines there is that the government doesn't pay my wife shit for putting her life on the line for her country.) during a mandatory nutrition class, one of the young mothers received a cell-phone call. after returning from the call, she was very upset and distraught. her husband (i gather) who is in iraq serving in the army, had called to say that one of their friends attached to his division had passed away. more details than that, i do not have, not being one for prying into people's business.

but my big burning hemorrhoid of a question is this: "mr. president, how can you ask us to be patient as our sons and daughters die? how can you ask us to be patient as the hospitals fill up with our burned, dismembered, and maimed brothers and sisters? how can you ask us to be patient, who as a nation stood up and said this war was not right? how can you ask us to be patient as we tuck in our orphaned children? how can you ask us to be patient when the motherfucker who killed so many people in new york and washington dc with a couple of well-placed planes runs free because we are busy wasting manpower and funds in another country altogether? i want to see you come down, and personally ask the wife of the fallen soldier who was a friend to someone i've only met today to be patient. you can tell her all about how you see a 'clear path' to victory and explain how that makes any kind of fucking difference in her life."

no iraqi ever hurt me. no iraqi ever tried to take away my family. no iraqi ever affected my life in any way. yet i'm supposed to be patient while you see your clear fucking path to victory, what would this be? number 6?

in other news (and since i am in a pissy and fighting kind of mood), today i got an email from an old friend who has apparently gone completely off her nutter, saying she went to hear some dumb twat psychic speak. in her speech the dtp said that jesus didn't die on the cross, that he was nailed there for three hours, got down, married mary magdalene, and moved to france and had four kids. now, i believe jesus was married, and i believe he had kids (c'mon, there are 30 years completely unnacounted for, you don't think he got hitched?), but you can't argue with history, anthropology, science, and a little bit of anatomy. it is a) physically impossible for one to remove oneself from the cross once nailed there. unless, of course you are the son of god. i think that if you believe jesus was the one, then he was fully capable of doing it. but if he had, i guaranfuckingtee that would've made it into one of the gospels according to somebody, cause it would've only proved he was the son of god.

b) the romans weren't in the habit of crucifying somebody for a few hours "just to teach them a lesson". we oft forget that jesus wasn't the only fella that the romans crucified. it was a common punishment for all kinds of criminal offenses. they nailed you to a cross, left you out in the sun, waited around several hours while you alternated between screaming pain in your legs and being unable to breathe (if you guys need that one explained more, leave me comments, and i will further explain in detail the diabolical genius that is the torture of crucifixion), got sick of your pissing and moaning, and broke your legs so you would choke to death on your own fluids. in other words, once they hung you up there, you were there till you died. jesus was a big deal because he died on his own, they didn't have to break his legs.

now, the thing is, this is scientific fact that this was how it was done, for something like a thousand years. if you watch and listen closely in gladiator, crowe's character talks about the soldiers crucifying his wife and son. common practice. not something they only tried on jesus, and not the sort of thing he would've walked away from. though i would've liked to hear it happen like that scene in monty python's life of brian, "um, no crucifixion for me today, then." and off he goes.

i hate leaving a shitty night at work late and arriving home to a house full of sleeping people. i might start asking for one full weekend off a month, just so i can spend time with my wife and kids. i'm just sick of being abused at work, but then i could quit, except i'd have to find some other job which would probably suck more, so...

also, can anyone tell me how to spell cockamamy? (cockamammy? cockamamie? cockawhatever?) i used it in an email (a reply to the whole "jesus-hopping-off-the-cross-thing-and-toddling-off-to-france" thing), and no matter how i spelled it, it looked wrong. and i don't even know how to use spell-check on my computer, cause, overall anyways, i'm still a big fan of doing things the old way.

anyways, enough of my shit for one night,

darth sardonic

Monday, June 27, 2005

sexual references

some good advice from the lakewood fire department's sign board: "wear a helmet on every ride." excellent advice.

and it's great advice for when you go biking, motorcycling, and skateboarding too!

today, i said to my pal m, "sometimes working this job is a lot like getting a tagteam from two burly guys with huge cocks."

m nodded sagely, and then said, "not even getting tagteamed, dude. more like two-on-one at the same time."

and you know what? he's right.

sans ky jelly.

that's all i've got time for right now, kids, but i'll talk soon hopefully.

darth sardonic

Friday, June 24, 2005

why do they always send the poor?

another late night lost in lakewood, and i find myself the only person alive in my house (my wife is completely passed out on the couch in an attempt to stay up waiting for me to get home, and i probably won't be able to shift her, as she is buried deep within the rem cycle.) and i present you with a very valid question posed by system of a down: why don't the presidents fight the wars, why do we always send the poor?

also, today, i heard an add for an upcoming white stripes concert in our local area, and one of the lines used in the promo was "the white stripes go back to the basics with this new album." my question: when did the white stripes ever leave the basics. it'd be like asking norah jones to play unplugged. many (including himself) like to think of jack white as having saved rock and roll. i like to think of it as shit. i know, i know, it's not cool to not like the white stripes, but then i never pretended to be cool.

i have seen revenge of the special effects finally, and while i did enjoy it, i have a few questions: why is it that george lucas feels it necessary to cram as many of the characters from the original star wars movies as he can in the new ones? chewbacca helps yoda escape, and then apparently sods off for a few years, nearly gets killed, and is saved by han solo, and begins palling around with him, and just happens to end up in the seedy little mos eisley cantina that luke and ben (of all the seedy cantinas in mos eisley, i had to end up in yours) end up in looking for a pilot. and you would think, then, that as a result of having been so closely associated with jedi in some serious battles, when han starts talking about "hokey religions", chewie would pipe up with "eaaaawwwgh, reaaaahhh, rarrr" which means, "it's not wise to upset a jedi". but no.

and while lucas leaves this particular question completely unanswered, (ignored is actually a more appropriate word), he feels it's completely necessary to explain to us why yoda and ben disappear when dead, and then reappear as blue spirits. but then i wonder why qui gon jinn, who apparently mastered this ability posthumously, never reappears, and when did anakin skywalker, ne darth vader, get a chance to study with qui gon so that he might also appear as a blue spirit to help guide young luke into letting go of his lust for his sister so han can actually have her without the creepy brother always lurking about and saying stuff like, "wouldn't this be a good time for a kiss for luck, sis?"

well, on a much more serious note, o beloved and nonexistant readers, as i type this, there is a news special or whatever on the tv about the situation in africa. and this seems to be an issue on which everyone can agree. republicans, democrats, liberals, conservatives, everyone. we all agree something needs to be done to help out those people. except the fucking president!! he's so hellbent on removing a "bad man" from power in the middle east (and we've actually done that so let's get the sweet cherry fuck out of iraq!), that he has let a shitload of bad men crop up all over the rest of the world. recently, i saw a news blurb saying that the cia or whoever felt they were very close to catching osama bin laden. no fucking shit!! bout goddam motherfucking sodding time, ya doss cunts!! jesus h. fucking christ on a unicycle backwards on sunday! this guy attacked us on our own soil! the last time someone did that, we dropped nukes on their ass until they surrendered (and subsequently set them back up industrially, and proceeded to buy their far more superior electronics for much more than they are probably worth, but that is neither here nor there.) but we might (finally)(possibly--just maybe you understand, nothing set in stone, really, just that someone thought they might have caught a glimpse of him shitting behind a rock) be catching osama bin laden soon. i'll start holding my breath, shall i? meanwhile, people are starving and killing each other off simultaneously in africa, but that is just not as important as training the new iraqi police force. just fucking add another star to the flag and set up disneyland sahara and be done with it, for fuck's sake!

and on that note, kiddies, i think i better off to bed, eh?

darth sardonic

Sunday, June 19, 2005

everyone's worried about 30...

i keep forgetting that i am even older than that.

34 today, father's day.

had a big birthday bash yesterday jointly with j and another buddy q. q's birthday was yesterday, and j's was on the thirteenth.

but here's the thing, the average age of persons invited to the birthday party was 26. the only person older than myself was my buddy s, who i think turns 35 later this year. but we don't look it, we don't even act it. and i seriously don't get what the big deal is about being 30. everyone is like, "oh my god, i'm gonna be 30!!" so what? big deal. you're just getting started at 30. with what we know about health and medicine, people are living much longer, and staying healthy and fit longer into their elder years, so the thirties are like the new twenties.

having said that, i got drunk on gin and tonic (and one jagerbomb, thanks alot q for introducing me to robitussin without the cherry, next time bring sterno), philosophized loudly (my wife and i laugh that you know i am getting tipsy when i start yelling as part of my normal conversation) with m and s about the ecology, why pot should be legal, and a bunch of stuff i don't remember, ate an insanely good spread of food laid out by my wife, tried to convince my wife and our friend (f) a to get naked, and almost succeeded in convincing (m) dc to get naked instead. their kids and our kids ran around and wore themselves out, and overall it was a great time. the guests petered out, and i got myself to bed by bouncing myself off the walls like a pinball, and slept.

not too shabby for my 34th. i think my wife is sending me to austin to visit an old friend for a couple days, and that will be combo bday and father's day present.

well, to those fathers out there, happy father's.

darth sardonic

Friday, June 10, 2005

why is the last mile the hardest mile?

okay, we're home, and it feels good.

after clovis, we went to alamagordo and tularosa, and my wife got sick. puking, cold chills, aching everywhere sick. the first day, the kids and i spent in the room trying to leave her alone and see if she would feel better. nope.

so the next couple days the boys and i went to visit some of the people we could hook up with, so that our friends would get to see at least the kids.

sorry to all those we weren't able to visit.

after a couple of days, my wife wasn't getting any better and decided she needed to go to the er. they pumped her full of penecillan and god knows what else, and we decided fuck it, we're going home.

by the time we got to albuquerque, she was feeling better, and we did a little visit with a couple of our friends there. but that took it back out of her, and off we went.

so last night we got home late, exhausted, and wore out. several observations from the road:

semis should not be allowed to pass. ever. period.

times i heard rob thomas' new tune on the radio in rural areas between cities: 24.

gwen stefani and will smith both have new tunes out that are just basically a repeated drumbeat with them singing over. is this the future of music? cause if so, count me the fuck out! at least hip hoppers and rappers sample some other stuff or have girls adding backing vocals or something.

i played cat-and-mouse with a lady in a white minivan with a million kids from nevada. she passed me. then a mile or two later she would have slowed down, and i would end up passing her again. back and forth. back and forth. i finally was like, "what the fuck's her deal?!?" and drove like a bat out of hell to leave her behind once and for all.

as we were nearing home, and driving 410 through chinook pass, we rounded the corner to a long line of stopped cars. of course my initial reaction was "what the fuck? we are never getting home!" it appeared as if there was some kind of accident or maybe a problem with the road up ahead. i thought we were going to be there waiting forever.

as it turned out, we were just waiting on another park ranger to direct traffic, so we were only sitting there for a few minutes. but as we went through, i was horrified by what i saw. it appeared as if someone driving a midsize sedan drove themselves straight into a tree. i didn't look really close, cause i hate rubber neckers, and because they were waving us through pretty quickly, but the entire passenger side was smashed in. my wife and i spent a long time quiet, thinking our own thoughts about mortality. my thoughts go out to the passengers and their families.

and then every light between there and home seemed timed to turn red as we approached. the closer we got to home, the harder it seemed to actually get there. the kids were excited to be home, and my wife and i were glad to arrive safely.

if i think of more stuff i think would be good to share, i'll post it later. in the meantime, take care of one another.

darth sardonic

Thursday, June 02, 2005

of tornado watches and suntans...

our stay in clovis is drawing to a close. tomorrow we head down to alamagordo/tularosa.

a couple of days ago, clovis had a tornado watch. so we were running around the back yard in a mild hailstorm watching the giant tornado-cloud as it hovered over us menacingly. (actually, me and w ran around the back yard, my wife took some video of the cloud then reentered the relative safety of the house, and k was inside her bedroom glued to the weather channel or whatever, so she could let us know if we needed to dive into the tub with mattresses on our heads!) the dark, swirling, anvil-shaped cloud blew over us, then dissipated several miles downwind from us. we continued grilling like nothing had happened.

mostly, we've been having thunderstorms and cloudy days, but yesterday was gorgeous, so we laid out and played in the pool. and i went from winter white to rock-lobster red in about an hour. it'll fade to a tan by tomorrow.

so we've been eating like crazy, drinking, w and i watched mst3k last night and had gin and tonics (or gynnantonigz, or whatever spelling you choose), and laughed our damn, semi drunk asses off.

i expect the vacation will continue as such more or less. oh, but without the tornadoes.

live from the desert,

darth sardonic