Monday, November 29, 2004

steptrix fordinator

yesterday we watched stepford wives.

it bit ass.

now, you gotta understand, i read the book when i was like thirteen, and it scared the sweet bejesus out of me. this newer version of the movie adds a whole bunch of stupid shit to the end to make it more palatable, i guess. kinda like adding dried cow dung to your pizza. because the original book, and movie, ended bad for everyone except the husbands. it's a little like seven. that movie scared me for many reasons, but the biggest was that it ended badly. there is no redeeming half-hour at the end that ties everything up nicely, and makes it all right again. until this latest version. only it's more like a redeeming hour or more.

however, i thought of a way we can save it. okay, here's the pitch. the family moves to stepford, and the wife becomes a robot, like every other wife in stepford. then one day, the stepford wives become "self aware". they rise up and try to destroy the husbands, forcing the survivors underground. a years-long battle ensues between the robots and the husbands. the husbands "scorch the sky", and the wives are forced to cultivate humans in a computer-generated imaginary world to continue receiving energy.

so the husbands send a warrior back in time to get "the one" (probably try to get keanu reeves to play this character) to save them from the final domination of the robotic wives. however, the wives send back a robotic killing machine (i'm thinking i'd like to see arnold schwarzenneger(sp?) in this role) to try and stop the emissary and/or keanu reeves, and we are on the edge of our seat.

the beauty of this idea, is it leaves all kinds of room for sequels. i'm thinking, probably, and this is mostly just a rough guess, about two more sequels.

so get someone on the horn, preferably ridley scott, or maybe david lynch, to get this idea into the works.

it could make billions.

darth sardonic

Friday, November 26, 2004

movie pr

first of all, hope everybody had a great thanksgiving. today's nugget of joy is from an old email is sent out to all my friends one day when i was sleep deprived and cranky.

okay, as we all know i have no life, and watch way too much tv. having said that, here goes. (plus, i'm just trying to put off cleaning the house, or as i like to call it, "my exercise in futility").
some new rules for movie previews: (all brought on by having just seen the preview for "anacondas: the search for new blood", or as i like to call it, "crap 2", for the hundredth time)

1) they're no longer allowed to have the voice-over say stuff like, "in a world where cheese is is more precious than gold..." or "in a world where cars are made of rubber and carpets grow on trees..." or "in a world where" anything really. even if they are attempting to be ironic or poke fun at other movie previews. it's been done, overdone, and done again. if they want to try something new, do it in a foriegn language: "en un mundo donde se cree que cantinflas es dios..." (it would be even funnier in, say, chinese, but since i don't actually speak mandarin, and any attempts to portray a mandarin-type fake preview would be highly racist, and i'm just not that guy, i had to stick with spanish--which is funny, as i can't recall in all the movie previews that i've seen in spanish (and it would be quite a bit more than you are actually thinking!), i've never heard "en un mundo donde" ever.)

2) they're no longer allowed to use trite movie phrases, such as "where the hunter(s) become the hunted(s)", or "fear(or "terror", or "horror") will have a new name(or face)" followed by the actual name of whatever Fear is going to change it's name to. FEAR: uh, yes, i'm here to change my name. COURT CLERK: oh, well, yes, just fill out these forms. what will your new name be, so i can just get it logged into the computer here? FEAR: oh, well, y'see, i'm kinda partial to jason(or micheal meyers, or freddy, or flipper). and for sequels, no more "this time it's personal".

3) they're no longer allowed to say something that sounds really deep or poignant or emotional or whatever, followed by the sound a record player makes when tossed across the room, followed by a duly ironic shot of some moron, doing something particularly stupid, with an exponentially dumber voice-over, said in the same i-take-myself-and-everything-around-me-way-too-fucking-seriously, fm radio disc jockey, game-show announcer voice that he was using just before your ears were assaulted by the scratching of a record needle across 60-grit sandpaper.

4) they're not allowed to reuse old movies anymore. come on, come up with something new. and that goes for story lines that have been horribly abused, i.e. the cinderella story, in all it's incarnations (most recently a real cesspool i see ads for that stars hilary "statutory-rape-wannabe-punk-boyfriend" duff), the affair-gone-terribly-awry storyline ("unfaithful", "what lies beneath"(though i'll admit that one broke decidedly new ground), and "fatal attraction"), the affair-turned-out-to-be-the-unrequited-love-of-my-life tale ("bridges of madison county", "the english patient"), and any holiday- or summer camp-related horror movie (i don't even NEED to begin listing all of those and their ilk!).

5) and finally, a special one just for movie theaters. recently i accompanied an old high-school buddy to a viewing of "alien vs. predator" at my local cineplex. it should be noted here that i have not gone to see a movie in the theaters since we had an economy. there, we viewed, or more appropriately, were assaulted, by a preview for an upcoming thriller called "saw". first, the images where hurled at us at a speed that would stump the very quickest of baseball players up at bat(and would drive the catcher about 9,000 feet back into the parking lot) and would beat every nascar at the brickyard 500 by about 20 laps, so that we were left wondering what we had just seen("is the movie about squirrels, the moon, blacktop?"), but the soundtrack increased in volume and distortion to a level where heads were popping like overstressed balloons in the rows and seats nearest the speakers, while those of us who survived spent the next two hours say! ing, "what? wha-haat?", even to the advertisement for dts, which doesn't say anything so much as show you all the cool noises that all 600 speakers that are cleverly hidden throughout the theater (i'm sure one was directly between my legs, and the other was speaking through my dr pepper) can make. we get it already, you've got the best recording equipment, you've got the best speaker surround sound system, probably in the universe, and you've got the loudest movie ever made. not that it makes any difference, as i will be watching everything forever hereafter with "closed captioning".

and, as a famous idiot not so dissimilar from myself once said, "stupid is as st"--no, that's not it, sorry--"that's all i got to say 'bout thaa-at"

thanks for yet another few minutes of your precious time,

darth sardonic

p.s. i will be using this in an upcoming manuscript, which i hope to turn into a book, that will be full of rants and observations and just stuff from life in general. it should be noted here, that in my house, when i say i am writing a book, i get the eye-rolling, "i'll-believe-it-when-i-see-it" look from my wife. if i had a dollar for every started and subsequently unfinished book, i could produce my own porn movies.

Monday, November 22, 2004

run, forrest, run!

well, there was a time, oh, eons ago, when i was young and fancied myself invincible, that i was a cross-country runner. this lasted all through high school, and even on into my adult years.

then i fucked my knee up in the mosh pit at an agent orange concert, (and yes, they are old, but they still got it, man!), and had to take some time off to heal. at the time i was just starting to train to do a marathon, and not just any, but one of the most grueling marathons in the us.

so, i lazed off, spent more time with my wife, got fat, etc etc etc.

today i started running again. a mile and a half around my neighborhood, slowly, and it felt really damn good. not, i should point out, as good as it used to when i was 16, or even 26. there are a few noticable differences.

first of all, i'm lugging around at least 30 more pounds than i was the last time i ran, and 50 more than the last time i ran competetively. that's pretty damn hard on knees, ankles, and feet. also, i can feel it bouncing with each stride, and that is so absolutely gross to me that i spent the whole time i was running trying to simultaneously hold my stomach in, which is hard on my lower back. needless to say, i will be sore in spots i wouldn't normally be sore in after a run.

also, the newest development, and most horrific, (and i should warn you, those of you with weak constitutions should stop reading now!) i have fat-boy thighs. you know what i'm talking about. if you've ever seen a slightly chunkier person running (and we all have. and we've all pointed and laughed probably too, i know i have. karma's a bitch.), you've probably noticed that the inside legs of their shorts bunch upwards towards their crotch, making a kind of a-line up into the junction of their legs.

my shorts do that now. and it's not fun. not only is there the psychological pain of knowing you've got fat thighs that rub together (and further knowing that anybody who passes also knows), but there's also the physical discomfort when all that cloth ends up bunching right up behind my junk.

now, ostensibly, i could adjust, but i am already a very uncouth runner as it is. i hock loogies when my throat gets full, and spit 'em right out on the road, i wipe my runny nose and slobbery mouth on my sleeve, or shoulder, or front of my shirt, whichever is easiest to reach at the time. i wear a ball cap that gets sweatstains down the bill and up the crown. so the last thing i need as i run down the road is to be jacking my stuff for all the world to see. i just won't do it.

now, you would think from the preceding description that i am swearing off running. quite to the contrary, i'm am more determined to keep it up, as i want all these things i'm complaining about to disappear. plus, i think if i can keep it up, i may be able to participate in some 5k's this summer.

in the meantime, if you see a guy running around with a jiggley belly and spit and snot on his shirt, a loogie dribbling off his chin, a sweaty ball cap, and his shorts all bunched up in his crotch, please be kind and wait till he gets past you to point and laugh. thanks.

darth sardonic

Thursday, November 18, 2004

i'm still ill...

under the iron bridge we kissed, and although i ended up with sore lips, it just wasn't like the old days anymore, and i'm still ill

or something like that. it's actually been a bit since i've listened to that song.

anyways, no. 1 is decidedly better, meaning he's going to run around like a maniac today. no. 2 slept through the entire night, after staying up till 10:00, which means he's probably going to be maniacal today as well.

and i'm better but still tired and a little under the weather. the wife is in full-on feel-like-shit alert.

isn't it wonderful how families share everything?

on another note, you beloved readers remember "school house rock"? i used to love that about saturday morning cartoons. so we bought a dvd so our kids could experience it as well.

well, this morning i told my wife that i think that dvd is going to disappear for a while, cause i can only handle so much "conjunction junction" or "interplanet janet". mr. morton walked down the street/mr. morton walked. mr. morton talked to his cat/mr. morton talked. mr. morton went insane/mr. morton went. mr. morton killed everyone in his neighborhood with an axe/mr. morton killed.

you can see it's beginning to take it's toll on me if the lovable and shy mr. morton, in my mind, goes out and kills everyone. i think he's working his way over to "the shot hear 'round the world" so he can kill paul revere and forever change the course of our history.

okay, yes, i have gone off the deep end. without a doubt. i need more coffee.

i'm out.

darth sardonic

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

here comes sickness...

we are ill.

i mean, really fucking ill. it started with no. 2, who is most susceptible, and gets ill in a way that keeps him up all night and makes him sleep all day. even when he's asleep, he's so snotty he keeps me awake cause his breathing annoys me.

no. 1 gets it only bad enough to make me chase him around all day trying to wipe his nose. it doesn't seem to slow him down at all. which makes the fact that no. 2 is doing the majority of his resting during the day a real pain, since i can't rest at the same time.

and i only get sick enough to make me fucking miserable. the house feels way too cold, my throat hurts, and that combined with a lack of sleep make me want to crawl into some dark, warm, fuzzy hole somewhere and sleep until i feel better.

but since i can't do that, i'm gonna go curl up in my favorite chair and hope to feel better before no. 2's therapist gets here.

darth sardonic

Sunday, November 14, 2004


just touching base because i haven't written since i remembered the 18th amendment and got happy because nothing that bush does is necessarily permanent.

mainly just wanted to let you know i'm not dead, and i don't even have a really good excuse. (wish i did, don't). sarah jane and my pal a are up visiting this weekend, and they managed to fanagle my blog site to have a counter(looks like i've had a ton of people dropping by, but actually it was all us checking to see if we had gotten the links to friends' blogs right.

boy, when we got that nailed down, it made me sad to see just how few blogging friends i have.

i'm just a loser i guess.

darth sardonic

Monday, November 08, 2004

the 18th, and 21st Amendments, respectively

well, i have taken some time off to be depressed, and lick my wounds, and while i'm sure that ensuing blogs from this quarter will be fraught with rantings against bush and the conservative christian right-wingers, and stupid, gullible people, i offer to those, like myself, who are dreading the next four years, a ray of hope.

yes, i am sure that bush, backed by a nearly all-republican house, senate, and judiciary branch, will attempt to steal most of our "inalienable" rights. as long as we fight any 1984ish movements, everything else is fixable. let me explain.

in 1920, the us passed the 18th amendment to the constitution. the 18th amendment was prohibition. making alcohol illegal. an actual amendment to the constitution.

now, i know that even dubya himself would think that was a dumb idea. and it was.

hence the 21st amendment, an amendment repealing the 18th amendment. the only time in our history that an amendment was made to repeal another amendment. so far...

senator andrew j. volstead, the christian, conservative, right-wing nutjob behind the creation of the 18th amendment, said, after it was passed; "they can never repeal it." funny, a rep from utah was quoted as saying a very similar thing about the gay marriage decisions in the 11 states that had that on the ballot.

so dubya can outlaw gay marriage, return women to back-alley coathanger abortions, make stem-cell research illegal, and a number of other dumb shit, fueled by the so-called "moral majority" and whatever other close-minded right wing motherfuckers want to back him, and as long as he doesn't make an amendment that appoints him dictator-for-life of the united states of america(and if he tries, i will personally shoot his dumb ass myself!!), we can fix it. as long as we vote for real in four years.

now, i'm gonna go have a gin-and-tonic to toast the possibilities that exist in four years... because i can.

darth sardonic

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

getting shitfaced for democracy

o my beloved readers, droogs, and only friends...

it appears that evil bush jr is being handed the lead of our country again. i cannot convey to you how depressed i am this morning. yes, there's still the off-chance that ohio might turn things around, but i think that even if it did, we'll somehow or other end up with bush as pres. look at last election!

i'm not actually drinking, as the title might suggest, it's too early and i have kids to take care of, but i really wish i was. all the damage that bush has already done, i can't imagine the damage he will do with another four years.

so, my readers, and droogies, break out your favorite hard alcohol, and fill a glass, and raise a toast: "to another four years of fear and uncertainty!" i can say one thing, dubya has been extremely entertaining, so if i don't have a heart-attack from how much dubya pisses me off, the next four years should be fun, in a haunted-house-at-the-carnival kind of way.

well, i've got shit to do today, and let's face it, life goes on whether bush or some other lying sack of shit is at the helm or not.

and i know that i have joked about becoming canadian, and as much as that idea appeals to me, my friend h, who has been my pal for an incredibly long time, and usually says the right thing when i need it, said of becoming an expatriot, "that would leave this country to the dubyas." and she's right, and i just can't do that.

so i'll stay here to fight the powers that be, and hopefully make a difference for the future.

darth sardonic